Hang in there, it is tough at times. You do sound like you have a head on your shoulders and know what it is you want and don't want, that is good.
I think in many ways swinging is like other areas of social life in that 95% of the people you are not going to be interested in and it will take a little leg work and snooping around to find the 5% that does work for you but they are definately there. Chemistry is a big thing and it really does help to follow your gut instinct. And speaking of gut instincts the female half's instincts are always much more attuned and accurate than the male half's so default back to hers if there is ever any disagreement
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Don't give up on the clubs too soon. I am not a big club person either but it works. There is no substitute for meeting and talking to someone face to face. You will know more about them and how you feel about them and how they feel about you in a matter of minutes there than you can with weeks or even months of emails and IM. Just go into it with the idea that you are there to meet people and that the vast majority of them you will not be interested in or they won't be interested in you but keep in mind that it will only take one couple or even one person to make the night a fantastic night and those people usually are there, you just have to find them.