[intuition897]

I haven't read any of the other posts yet, because I want to keep thing clear in my head and not forget to mention everything I'm thinking.

First of all, welcome back to the board. Glad to see you! You really don't need to convince us that you're open-minded. Being open-minded does NOT mean being permissive or necessarily agreeing with what we do. It just means that you are giving an idea its day in court. If you can't agree with it, you just can't, and belittling yourself for not doing a cannonball into a pool you have no interest swimming in just doesn't make sense. I'll mention more about that in a minute...

Originally Posted by Babysteps

He approached me about this for the first time about 9 months ago, ( when I first registered here, lol). My INITIAL reaction? DEVASTATION! I was practically comatose for well over a week! Now, don't get me wrong, I am VERY openminded sexually, but this suggestion was just a little over the top for me. I came here to this site trying to learn, trying to understand, DESPERATE for both!

Hoo boy, does THIS sound familiar! You sound like me. I was pretty hurt and very confused that he would ask this of me, but then I discovered that he wasn't actually asking anything of me; he was offering me a pretty unique and selfless gift.

Originally Posted by Babysteps

I don't judge, and I CAN understand many aspects of this lifestyle, there are many positives, but there ARE negative aspects as well.

It might help us to better understand where you're coming from if you can tell us what you feel the negative aspects are. Most of us you're hearing from think swinging rocks. For example, my idea of swinging's biggest drawback is that no one out there understands it, and it's really difficult to find friends who don't get pissed off at you when you can't sympathize over their husband's wandering eye. We just don't 'get' jealousy anymore, why people make such a big deal of it. Now to me, that's a drawback. I'm on here as much as I am because I've found a little pool of like-minded people, and it's too bad we all live so far apart.

Originally Posted by Babysteps

He KNOWS my feelings towards the 2 of us becoming involved in the lifestyle, ( knowing me like he does I'm actually very surprised that he even approached me about it, but I'm glad that he shared his thoughts with me). I love this man TO DEATH, we're very connected on many different levels.

It's probably because he thinks so much of you that he mentioned it. He wants an honest relationship with you, and this is an expression of his love and trust in you. Seems backwards, but it's true. Men who are successful in the lifestyle are lacking something alright: a big ego. It's a bit like they're saying, "My wife/girlfriend is too much woman than any one man has a right to keep all to himself. She's too awesome to be kept caged up. I'd rather see her in her natural habitat than keep in captivity." Your man is a purist. He sees you in a way you don't yet see yourself: as a woman who commands sexual attention and respect, who leaves a trail of spent men in her wake. He sees you as a goddess and he just doesn't feel that he has a right to manage your sexuality for you. He doesn't even want to. He wants you to take it back and use it. If you really are unhappy to be given back the freedom to do as you please, you just need to explain to him exactly why.

Originally Posted by Babysteps

WHY AM I SO OPPOSED TO GIVING THIS A TRY?? In a nutshell I'll TRY to express my thoughts and feelings. I AM WAAAAAAAAAY TOO EMOTIONAL, too much of a "romantic", so to speak. When he makes love to me, I get soooo HOT, as in "temperature" hot, in my pussy, ( sorry to be vulgar, but I'm just saying it like it is), and soooo WET! I can't feel the significant "change in temperature", but HE CAN, he says it feels like somebody has spilled a hot hot cup of coffee in his lap. My body responds to his actions this way because of what's going on in my head, and also what I'm feeling in my HEART for him. Put me in a situation where a DIFFERENT man is doing the VERY same things to me.......and my body WOULD NOT respond in the same way. Because there just wouldn't be the same things going on for me in my head and heart. ( God, I hope that made sense!?) And don't get me wrong, I DO understand the difference between "fucking" and "making love". There's a time and place for both.

It sounds a bit like you know how to separate love and sex, but you just don't want to. And that's cool. When we were actively swinging, we noticed the same thing. It just isn't possible for us to "make love" to our swing partner like we do with one another because there's just nothing there! It's just fun friction. But the fun of non-emotional sex with other partners isn't enough for me to want to get into the lifestyle. I love knowing that Mr. intuition is out there being his sexually voracious self. He's just too good to keep all to myself! So I get the satisfaction of knowing he's an awesome lover, is able to please other women and leaves them asking me "Does he have a brother?" One of the things I love about the lifestyle is knowing that any other woman can "do her worst" in an attempt to steal Mr. intuition from me. Her most potent weapon (so she thinks) is her sexuality. But instead of ensnaring Mr. intuition's heart, he just says "Thank ye ma'am."...and so do I. There's just no way for sex to screw up our marriage anymore, and that's a pretty good feeling.

Originally Posted by Babysteps

Now I KNOW how much he loves me, and theres no doubt in my mind how much he enjoys our activities in bed, ( well, maybe that's not quite true, I guess in fact I've come to question JUST how much he enjoys me in bed, because of this swinging issue).

This isn't boredom or dissatisfaction with you. It's a bit like playing with a Lego set. You guys have played with the Lego set you've got for a while now, and you're running out of new things to build. But the creative juices are flowing and he's got a few ideas about new configurations...if only he had an add-on set to add to the Lego set you've got already...Or more hands, mouths, etc. Wow, can you imagine that? Just think of all the possibilities! It's like taking something that 2D and making it 3D! It's not that he doesn't have fun with just you (after all, you two have the coolest Lego set going). He's just thinking that this amplifies the fun you two have together. But if it's just not fun for you, then that defeats the purpose.

Originally Posted by Babysteps

Like I said before, I'm VERY open minded, I'll try just about anything, as long as it's with HIM, I trust him, and I know that he's only interested in seeing MY enjoyment! I can't believe that he could stomach seeing me do the things that I do with HIM, with another man. And as for me, IF we were ever to do this, ( swing ), I'd have to SERIOUSLY squash down alot of feelings and emotion, to see him play with another woman, even though in my head I'd know it was just a "fuck".

Okay, do NOT do move forward if you feel this way. His whole point is to see you enjoying yourself and feeling more liberated. He doesn't want you to martyr yourself for his sake. Trust me, the sex-with-other-women thing is just not as important to him as you're imagining it is. If he's anything like Mr. intuition, it's just a nice plus. If he knew that you would be hurt by seeing him with another woman, I would sincerely hope he would never do that. He can stomach seeing you with another man because what he sees is you...not the other man. I love to see my husband doing the same things to another woman that he does with me, because it almost seems like an out-of-body experience. I'm standing back watching, knowing the sensations this other woman is feeling because he's made me feel them too. But it's fascinating because she reacts completely differently than the way I do. And she looks different than me. It puts his sexuality into context so to speak. Apply person A to person B you get one reaction. Apply person A to person C and you get another reaction. Same action, different reaction. See what I mean? Probably not. Anyway, the bottom line is, it's a turn-on for me. Afterward, the other woman is all out of breath and saying, "My God, how do you keep up with him??" And I just get to elbow her in the ribs and say, "Told ya he was good!"

Originally Posted by Babysteps

I can't wrap my mind around the "relationship" aspect of swinging. That's relationship as in the one that 2 couples have together. I'D FEEL LIKE JUST ANOTHER PUSSY, yaaaa, a piece of meat, to be USED.

I don't mind it. Not at all. I guess the difference is that I don't expect anyone to wine and dine me. You don't have to butter me up; I want sex too, so why don't we all just cut to the chase? I realize that my involvement, personally, between a couple has nothing to do with me and everything to do with enhancing their own relationship. It's not that they don't care about me, or respect my feelings or needs. It just means that they expect that I'm not going to rely on them to validate me as a person. The fact that they open their bedroom door to other people does not reflect at all on the other people. It just means that they find you attractive...and you fit their fantasy very nicely. Actually it kinda gives me a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that I can help another couple out this way. They've only got so many hands, mouths, pussies and dicks. Sure, I'll lend them a hand! Literally!

Here's a shocker: to other happy swingers, you already ARE just another pussy! They just haven't had sex with you yet. And by that, I mean that you are part of the rest of the world outside of their relationship with one another. There's inside, and then there's outside. You're on the outside of their relationship and always will be. That guy's not being cold. He's just giving you all that he has to offer you, which is respect, courtesy, kindness...and honesty. He has no love to give you, so if you need to feel loved to enjoy sex, swinging may not be much fun for you. You're better off recognizing that now and saving yourself from making a big mistake.

Originally Posted by Babysteps

He makes references to it, ( swinging), occasionally, not often. The last time he did, we were in bed, I was SERIOUSLY wrapped up in what he was doing to me, he had his hand on my pussy, ( sorry again, lol), and he made some sort of reference to possibly "SHARING", I can't remember the exact sentence, or context, but there was no doubt as to what he was implying. I SHOULD HAVE stopped things right there, approached him about it, in my head I was thinking......"Is he out of his f**king mind, bringing THAT up, at a time like this!?!!!!????) But like I said, I was seriously enjoying myself at that moment, and chose to let it go, (yaaa, no self discipline here! lol).

No big deal. Just let him know that right now you're not quite "getting" the lifestyle and you just can't get turned on by that. You appreciate that he's trying to share with you and be honest with you about his fantasies, but this is one that you just can't get turned on by right now. Maybe not ever.

Originally Posted by Babysteps

Ok, wrapping this up now! IT IS KILLING ME THAT HE HAS THIS WANT/NEED THAT I CAN'T HELP HIM FULFILL! I'M DYING INSIDE. I want soooo badly to open my mind to the potential pleasure involved, the new experience, ( I'm very curious by nature, and usually WELCOME new experiences). He has made me question a large part of myself, my sexuallity. He has made me feel very SEXUALLY SQUARE.....and BELIEVE ME, I'M FAR FAR FROM THAT!! I'm actually very close to saying, "Ok, I want to try it, I'm all over it, I HAVE TO DO THIS!".....just so I could say, been there. done that, didn't like it, so can we now please put this behind us?? OR, I could say, "I can't, but if you ever have the opportunity, go for it!"

I could keep going, I have more, ( if ya can believe that!), this can be a very difficult issue to discuss with others, your all I have, so let me hear your thoughts!

Although it might be tempting to do that cannonball/bellyflop thing I was talking about earlier, you'll regret it. If you value you relationship, if you value your sanity, do not force this. It's supposed to be fun. If it's not, you're doing it wrong. I personally believe that this is something that is within reach for just about anyone, and it's just a matter of clearly understanding it. I'd let your boyfriend know that you're having a really difficult time understanding how this is supposed to be a turn-on. Ask him to explain it to you, exactly how and what turns him on. Talk your faces off. Ask him to start off with very tame fantasies. Don't jump right into swinging! Try flirting with the waiter or the sales associate at the electronics store. Try dressing up sexy and go to the mall or something. Have him let you know when he notices someone eyeing you up. It's just fun! It's just play! Don't assume the worst; just trust him and...play!