Quote:
|
Originally Posted by JustAskJulie So what you are asking is how to tell your wife you want to cheat on her... or would that be how to get your wife's permission to cheat on her?
Either way, if she's not on board, it's not swinging! That doesn't mean that she has to swing or be willing to swing but she does have be cool with what you are doing. That said, as havefuninsun said, if her sex life sucks as bad as yours, she may be all for swinging with you. If she just wants to get you off her case about your lousy sex life she may also be on board.
Long story short. This isn't about telling your wife you want to have sex with other people, this is about the two of you discussing how bad your sex life is and what you'd like to do to fix it. You explaining that you are unfulfilled and giving her a chance to actually talk to you (and you listening) about what may be going on with her. It's entirely possible that her lack of sex drive has nothing to do with menapause and everything to do with a lack of desire for you. |
Dito! I couldn't agree more, Julie! I have a sneaking suspicion that the culprit lies in this statement:
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by midnightplayer I had numerous affair 25 years ago, but have been faithful ever since. |
Call me crazy, but I would be decidedly less passionate about a man whom I thought was "settling" for me. You say you've been faithful for the last 25 years? If you had been faithful for
50 it wouldn't matter one whit to me if I felt that you were begrudging me your fidelity! I don't want to be resented by my partner for any reason, and I'm guessing neither does he. How much healing ocurred after this bout of affairs? Did you and she resolve this? Did she fully forgive you for it? Did you fully recognize the enormity of what you did to her? Were you really sorry for it? And if you did, and you were, did you make sure she knew it? How much was left unsaid between you?? I'm guessing quite a bit because...
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by JustAskJulie ...All I can think is how said it is that you've been married for 30 years and you still haven't learned how to talk to your wife. |
You say you won't divorce her. I guess that's your prerogative, but I personally don't believe in prolonging relationships that do not enrich our lives. Why do you want to remain married? For convenience? Legalities and financial reasons? Religion? Because that's the way things "should" be? Because it would be uncomfortable for everyone involved? Because you would feel as though you had somehow failed?
JMHO, but I think that if you're not willing forego talking with your wife and you are skipping right to the part where you are taking matters into your own hands, you have already failed your marriage. A couple I know were married for nigh on 30 years. They were never happy with one another. One day, he asked his very caustic and ill-tempered wife, "What is WRONG with you??" "What's wrong with me? Do you really want to know? I mean do you REALLY wanna know??" He said yes, so she told him. It took her 3 days to pour out 30 years of pent up frustration and anger. He asked her to stop, please, he couldn't stand to hear any more. But she said no, you asked me what was wrong. You deserve to know, and by God, I'm NOT going to stop talking to you. By this point their marriage was already dead. It was both their faults.
I think rather than handing down your sentence on your marriage, perhaps you should consider giving your wife a chance to give HER input...or are you scared? I would be, if I were you. There's a very distinct possibility that she doesn't like being married to you and feels trapped. If you asked her to marry you again today, would she do it? If she was free and clear, and had every right in the world to turn you down, what do you have to offer her that would make you worth marrying again? That wasn't a put-down, but an honest question every married person should ask him or herself.
Put it to your wife this way, "I'm not happy with our marriage. I love you, but I am very unhappy with the lack of passion in our marriage. So unhappy in fact that I am seriously considering going outside of our marriage to find something that I have every right to expect
INside our marriage! Out of respect for you as my wife, I felt it is only fair to bring this matter to you to give you the opportunity to work together with me to find a better solution. Are you willing to work with me? Or should we just stick a fork in this marriage now - because, baby, if you don't work with me, consider this marriage done!"
How far gone is TOO far gone? That's up to the two of you to decide. 30 years, man. That's an entire lifetime for some people. That is a shitload of time that you have wasted of one another's lives, and of your own lives, too! That's why I disagree with the idea of prolonging dysfunctional marriages simply because they don't want to get a divorce. Let's say you have a disease and your life can be expected to end in 10 years. During this time, you won't have any symptoms, but the end comes quickly and in only ten short years. Now let's say there's a drug you can take that will prolong your life to 30, maybe 40 years, but there's a catch: the drug will make you depressed, tired, weak, and generally sick the entire time. What would you choose? If this was a marriage instead of a disease, what you are suggesting is the 40 years of living an unsatisfactory life. Why? Because someone "in the know" told you it was the "right" thing to do??
Whatever you do, I wish you and your wife luck. I'd suggest attempting to rebuild your marriage, though you'll notice that your good time together is 30 years shorter than it could have been had you only laid things on the table sooner. Mr. intuition and I wasted the first 9 years of our marriage in this way, and it breaks my heart every time I think of it. All that time, there was this other lonely person standing right there in front of me, looking for exactly the same thing: someone he could trust enough to love completely.
Best wishes to you both, and welcome to the board.