From now on I'll keep my personal written therapy in a journal in a safety deposit box...
After Michelle left yesterday, she called me about an hour later. A couple we had previously had a great time with called us and asked us if we wanted to hit the beach with them. Now the truth is, I did want to get back to a "good" place with Michelle. So I thought it would be a good idea to do some fun, normal stuff (normal for this board anyway). Something I've read concerning psychology, if you make an effort to act happy, even faking it, it actually affects how you feel.
Despite how what I wrote sounded, I would have never "used" another couple to get even. Its just that in the group sex environment of the club, its not hard to have a situation where one party could "get some" and the other not, without anyone's feelings being trampled on (and since Michelle didn't think that what she did was that terrible, it really shouldn't bother her the other way around, right?). And I had no intention of using the couple we were seeing during the day in any way for any payback. And I told Michelle I wasn't putting any restrictions on her; we like this other couple alot, and the truth is that all I really wanted is for my pain to go away; I didn't want to get anyone else involved in our problems. And since I really do want to get back to where Michelle and I were, that would include seeing this couple again. So anyway, we had an awesome day, which turned into an awesome night at the club with them and some other couples we knew (really awesome).
Michelle said a way to push aside bad feelings and memories is to replace them with good ones. We definitely started that yesterday. And I'm out of that terrible angry place I was. (And BTW, to whoever thought I might get violent, I get violent all the time, but its in a ring, with gloves, mouthpiece and rules (and then its usually me taking the beating
). I haven't hit anyone outside of that environment since high school, and there's zero chance of it now, not when we're talking strictly emotions). And to the comments of me wanting to control her, or the situation, I don't think its too much to ask that a rule like "no intercourse" be stuck to, or discussed before it happens. Because the truth is, with the right couple, I'm pretty sure I'd have no problem with full swap. With this other couple we were with, I enjoyed seeing her please him, and him her. I even get into it verbally (do that to him, touch her there). I feel pretty safe in saying that if they (other couple) wanted to go full swap, I'd be great with it. So its not just seeing her with another guy that killed me so much, it was the circumstances. She was way too wasted and out of control. There's something about that that made it so bad. But I do trust her. While she might not feel that what she did was that terrible, she obviously knows how I feel about it, and I know she won't let it happen again. I don't think thats trying to control someone. I think its respect for the feelings of the person who you love.
So anyway, to those of you following this saga, this is pretty much the end of the story. I am so glad this other couple called us yesterday. Honestly, I believe it was fate, or some positive karmic force (we've only seen them once before, its not like we get together every week), but it helped the healing process so much, its almost like it can't be coincidence (I'm a pretty spiritual guy in some regards). What happened still stings, but today, the main movie playing over and over in my head is last nights amazing, friendly, fun orgy, and I'm sure after more time passes, and more good times are had, the bad night will just feel like a movie that I saw a long time ago, didn't like, and don't even think about very often.
I know the way I expressed my very strong emotions really shocked some people. Considering that I really was trying to make it work, isn't it better that Michelle really knew what I was feeling? How can you get over emotions like that if you don't acknowledge them, and share them with the person you love (and a bunch of strangers on the internet). I needed her to know what I was feeling, as ugly as it was. How else could she ever help me to get over things, assuming she wanted to try, which, painful as it was for her, I'm so thankful she did. I told her that I didn't know if I could get past it, she might be putting herself through more pain for no reason. But I did tell her I would try, its what I wanted. I'm so glad she didn't just say "its your problem, deal with it, and call me after you do." If I could have pretended that it didn't bother me that much, it would have come out eventually, at a totally inappropriate time, where it made no sense and I could see her saying "Where the hell did that come from"? Now its truly over. It still stings some. But I won't ever be throwing it in her face. I did ask Michelle last night early on to just please be careful with my heart (I'm such a girly-man). I'll probably say that to her every time we play. Thats not so bad, is it?
So all's well that ends well. I'm really not a psycho. Michelle and I went home together last night, both of us happy being with each other. No one else got hurt or used, I think we even made a bunch of other people smile, and no animals were hurt in the making of this production.