The Swingers Board - View Single Post - She crossed our limitation of soft-swinging and had intercourse

Larry & Michell · 01-06-2007, 12:27 PM

I'm using this board as some sort of therapy for myself;

Everything I'm saying here I've said to Michelle, in all this same detail.

Yesterday I wanted to find a way to hurt her back. Not just once, because that would just make us even, so I wanted to hurt her twice, so she could really know how I feel. I know how sick and twisted that is. I hated being in that place. It hurt, and then it hurt some more. She told me I couldn't love her if I wanted to hurt that way. I disagreed. I wouldn't care, I wouldn't hurt if I didn't love her. Like I said, I know how sick and twisted and dark my heart was. I told her that over the phone in the morning.

We spoke later that day. I didn't want to hurt her anymore. I just wanted my own pain to go away. I don't know how to make that happen. I told her that since, to a large degree, our lives revolve around the club, since this all happened in the club, I think if there is any possible healing for me, I think it would have to involve the club. I said that I don't know if it will make me feel better, help the pain, but without some kind of making things "even", I don't think I can ever move past it. The fact is I don't know if it will help. I'm saying I need these activities like a doctor making a diagnosis. I feel no pleasure or excitement in saying them. I don't even think I want to do them. But I don't know if its possible for me and Michelle to get back to where we were without it. But let me say now that I'm not doing this to hurt Michelle. I don't know if it will make a difference. But I don't think I can move past this without it. Its like Terry Bradshaw used to say in the huddle "You might lose with me, but you can't win without me".

I had dinner at my house with my daughter and mother last night. I invited Michelle. She came. It was tough. Later that night, Michelle and I sat on the couch. I cried on her shoulder so much. And then I cried some more. We made love. But it still hurts.

I woke up this morning angry. So angry. I walked her to her car after breakfast. I told her that all I felt was anger. We're planning on going to the club tonight. Kind of like going for radiation treatment. Thats how much I'm looking forward to it (luckily I fake things pretty well - you should have seen me in business meetings this week). I told her maybe she doesn't want to do this, to deal with me this way. I don't even know if it will make a difference. But like I said before, without it, I know we can't win. But I told her how angry I was. (I much prefer straight out aggression to passive-aggressive behavior). I told her she really might not want to go through this with me. She wants to try. My heart is so dark. Just pain, anger. I hate being me right now.

01-06-2007, 12:27 PM	#20 (permalink)
Larry & Michell Active Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 16 Location: Florida Status: couple	Re: Too Much Happenned I'm using this board as some sort of therapy for myself; Everything I'm saying here I've said to Michelle, in all this same detail. Yesterday I wanted to find a way to hurt her back. Not just once, because that would just make us even, so I wanted to hurt her twice, so she could really know how I feel. I know how sick and twisted that is. I hated being in that place. It hurt, and then it hurt some more. She told me I couldn't love her if I wanted to hurt that way. I disagreed. I wouldn't care, I wouldn't hurt if I didn't love her. Like I said, I know how sick and twisted and dark my heart was. I told her that over the phone in the morning. We spoke later that day. I didn't want to hurt her anymore. I just wanted my own pain to go away. I don't know how to make that happen. I told her that since, to a large degree, our lives revolve around the club, since this all happened in the club, I think if there is any possible healing for me, I think it would have to involve the club. I said that I don't know if it will make me feel better, help the pain, but without some kind of making things "even", I don't think I can ever move past it. The fact is I don't know if it will help. I'm saying I need these activities like a doctor making a diagnosis. I feel no pleasure or excitement in saying them. I don't even think I want to do them. But I don't know if its possible for me and Michelle to get back to where we were without it. But let me say now that I'm not doing this to hurt Michelle. I don't know if it will make a difference. But I don't think I can move past this without it. Its like Terry Bradshaw used to say in the huddle "You might lose with me, but you can't win without me". I had dinner at my house with my daughter and mother last night. I invited Michelle. She came. It was tough. Later that night, Michelle and I sat on the couch. I cried on her shoulder so much. And then I cried some more. We made love. But it still hurts. I woke up this morning angry. So angry. I walked her to her car after breakfast. I told her that all I felt was anger. We're planning on going to the club tonight. Kind of like going for radiation treatment. Thats how much I'm looking forward to it (luckily I fake things pretty well - you should have seen me in business meetings this week). I told her maybe she doesn't want to do this, to deal with me this way. I don't even know if it will make a difference. But like I said before, without it, I know we can't win. But I told her how angry I was. (I much prefer straight out aggression to passive-aggressive behavior). I told her she really might not want to go through this with me. She wants to try. My heart is so dark. Just pain, anger. I hate being me right now.