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Originally Posted by VanHlebar Ok...time for me to put myself out there yet again on here to see if I can get some help from the collective. 
As I have posted here a few times, I seem to have some issues at times with the little guy wanting to be ready to play at times. MrsVan and I have been in the lifestyle now for almost a year and we have had our fair share of experiences and I would have to say that we are both very comfortable in the lifestyle. Our very first experience I have already posted about here on the site, but let's just say that it was extremely bad and ended with even MrsVan and I not being able to make love for a couple of weeks as I had some serious issues.
Well, lately this has been occuring more frequently with a particular couple and I think I may have figured out what might be my problem. I have discussed this a little bit with some other friends, but in every scenario, I have a very serious fear of being left out. I don't mind watching if I choose to sit back and watch, but being forced to watch because I am being left out is just plain not good. MrsVan is aware of this fear and we both do our best to keep this from happening and usually talk about this before and after a playdate. I think this fear of being left out might be what causes my issues. I have a tendency to worry about being left out so much that I really expect it to happen, and we all know the old saying that if you worry about something long enough it will happen.
Case in point is this couple that we met back just before Thanksgiving. This is a great couple that we both really are attracted to and they are local. Sounds silly, but this has been a huge issue for us as we just haven't had any luck finding any good couples local. There is great chemistry between the husband and MrsVan and between MrsVan and the wife. I get along fine with the husband and I am really attracted to the wife. And there is the rub, she doesn't seem to be very sexually attracted to me. When it was just a threesome with her husband, her and me things were great and there was alot of sexual energy between us. Whenever it's the four of us, none. She doesn't give back anything to me at all. No oral, no touching and the only kissing is if I am the one to initiate it. After our latest playdate I had a discussion with MrsVan on the way home and I decided it was time to just ask it straight out. So I have sent an email to the couple and plainly asked if there was a sexual issue between the wife and myself. I explained that we are all adults and in this for enjoyment and if there is an issue just speak up. No big deal we just all move on and call it quits. The ball is now in their court and we will see how they respond.
The issue that I have now is that after two fairly rough experiences like this, where I am being sort of left out on the sidelines, how do you get beyond that? I truely am starting to believe that my issues may stem from my fear of putting myself out there and then being left on the sidelines. MrsVan does a wonderful job of attempting to direct attention back towards me during play dates, but when you put yourself out there for a playmate and nothing is returned, it is rough. Anyone been through anything like this before? How did you handle it?
Sorry for such a long post folks but I needed to get it all down while I was thinking about it. 
-Van |
Hi Van,
My thought is that the woman might be submissive with men. She might be dom or sub with women, but with men she might be too shy to start anything, and needs and wants the man to be in control.
I know for me, especially when it is the first time with a couple, I like for the man to be in control. I can be dom or sub, but don't always want to be the one in control.
She might be self conscious herself and gets a sort of stage fright when the clothes come off and she is expected to perform with another man.
Something that I have come to realize just today that also might have something to do with it, is kissing.
I find for myself that kissing is an emotional act. It seems to be the one thing in a relationship that can bring people even closer because of the passion involved
I don't want to kiss men other than my boyfriend now. I have only realized this today, and have been swinging for about a month. I knew I had some issue with the kissing but couldn't put my finger on what it was. I don't want to get attached to any other man besides my boyfriend. I don't want there to be any more emotions other than friendship and a fun time having sex and enjoying each other. Kissing can mess that up and stir up more things than you want to feel towards someone that isn't your husband, finance', boyfriend, partner, etc.
This might just be something that she feels also..
She also might sense your fear and it makes her not feel as comfortable with you. Do you have any worried expressions on your face? Are you relaxed and smiling? I know it is hard for me to feel attraction to someone's personality if they are unsure about themselves or so worried about it all that they can't be themselves and act naturally around others very well.
I am not saying that any of these things are true. They are just ideas of what (might) be going on. I sure hope you and your wife find what you are looking for and can resolve the situation with the couple you had become friends with.
Erin