Welcome to the board trini. I get the feeling you probably won't be staying long, though, from the tone of your post. Not that we don't want you here!
I just get the feeling that this whole swinging thing might not be your bag...baby.
I'd be interested to know how much experience he's had with it, and in what capacity. As a single guy? Did he have a swing partner? It makes some difference.
Whoah. Holy crap. This is a serious obstacle, and it's one that you need to resolve in your own mind. I can tell you why I don't think it's a big deal, but it doesn't do you a damn bit of good if you don't believe it in your heart of hearts. It sounds to me like you're confusing love and sex, which has about a 99% rate of ocurrence in newbies. Every swinger needs to deal with this very real issue. What are your beliefs about love and sex? Is sex the ultimate expression of love? Can sex be good without love? Can love exist without sex? What does it mean when you are attracted to others? Does it mean anything at all? Should it matter?
My husband and I have done full swap both in the same room and also in separate rooms with our swing partners. After our friends went home, I couldn't keep my hands off him and vice versa. I would kiss him with the scent of this other woman on his lips, and with her perfume on his clothes and her lipstick on his cheek, and maybe a fresh bite mark on his shoulder...and I couldn't get enough of it. He was just so...
alive! Alive and real. He was sexy. What more proof did I need? It was all over him! Other women were turned on by him, obviously, which turned me on to him all the more.
The secret is that I just have no question about what he thinks or feels about me. He has made me understand that these other women, while very sexy, just don't have anything that he would ever want to leave me for. They can't offer him anything more than some good sex. I can offer him that, too, and a lot more.
You thought wrong. Welcome to reality. He IS attracted to other women, and he probably DOES fantasize about screwing them. Like, ankles-over-the-ears-screaming-like-a-banshee screwing them. And he wouuld to enjoy it. If you can't put that image in your head without your heart breaking,
DO NOT get into swinging. Swinging is recreational sex. If you hold sex as a sacred bond between you, swinging is
NOT for you.
It sounds like you got fed that fairy tale about some handsome prince sweeping you off your feet and how you would love one another so much that the attraction to others would just disappear. Well guess what? A wedding band on your finger and some pretty words don't erase your nature, and it's your nature to be a sexual person. And his, too. Some people do choose to express their love by remaining monogamous because it's less complicated and it a conscious choice they have made in the best interest of their marriage. We choose responsible
non-monogamy as an expression of our love, and it has been wonderful for our marriage. It's just a matter of what is right for you both as a couple.
You sound just like me several years ago. I had these same ideas about love, sex and marriage (and now look at me
). I had a tough time getting over the thought that he valued me so little that he could pass me around like a chunk of meat to other men he barely knew. I felt that this was a great deal to ask of me, to ask me to degrade and defile myself just so he could fulfil some selfish fantasy. I mean, really!? What the hell was I anyway? Some blow-up dolly?? I was hurt and angry. I am NOT some fucking TOY!
After a long time of thinking this and never really telling him how I felt about it (more about communication skills in a second...) we finally cleared the air. He was surprised to know that I felt that way. He finally explained it to me. He wasn't
asking something of me; he was
giving me a gift! He was trying to find a polite and inoffensive way to return my wedding gift to me: my sexuality. This was him telling me that he didn't want me to cut off a piece of myself like a grisly sacrifice. He loved me too much to ask that of me. He fell in love with all of me, and that included my sexual vitality. He loved my flirtiness and adventurousness. My gift to him was to kill that for him so no other man would ever have it. The trouble was that he would never see it again either. Not really. Just like you don't appreciate the sun without a little rain, when you take away the means for me to prove that no other man can have that one part of me that is reserved just for him - my heart - my marriage vows lose their meaning. So this is our marriage vows in action. When I have sex with another man, that's me saying, "This other man can borrow my body, and he can do nice things to it, and I can enjoy his company...but he is not you, and I love you. This other man will never have this part of me that you have so completely in the palm of your hand. And I love you and thank you so much for giving me the chance to prove this to you."
I'll tell you a secret. These "issues" are not outside of yourselves. They are only as big as you want to make them. If you believe that his wanting other women is a big deal, then it is, and it will end your relationship...because you allowed it to. The other option is to be realistic about it and accept that he will still be attracted to other women...but it's up to you to decide whether that means anything to your relationship or not. Don't listen to others outside of your relationship telling you that it "should" matter.
Does it matter to you? The truth may surprise you. Then again, it might not.
Again, this is up to you. It's just my opinion, but it seems to me that you're standing in your own way. You've decided that it is unacceptable that any man of yours would ever want someone else (because that would mean you're "not enough", right?). So...rethink that line of thinking. How willing are you to change your mind? I think I get it. By marrying him but never swinging, you feel he is essentially "settling for less" with you. This would make you feel degraded, and that's never good. If that's what you're thinking, then I applaud your not getting married until that's sorted out. That shows some serious integrity. Never let go of that because if you ever DO decide to swing, you'll need that kind of integrity.
I would suggest that you let your fiance read what you've written. Have you discussed any of this with him? Does he realize you feel this way? Degraded? Second best? Unloved? If he loves you, knowing you feel this way will just make him come undone. He'll want to set you straight, and tell you, show you, just how much he loves and respects you. Give him that opportunity. Tell him how you feel.
I hope this helps some.