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How can he stand to see me fucking other men?
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There are a lot of posts on this board where guys answer this question, often with lively discriptions
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I've treated men like toys using them when i see fit and then disregarding them without a thought.
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True or not, you are being hard on yourself for what you are feeling.
These past experiences are just that: past experiences. Did they work for you? If given the same situation, would you do it again? Use them to help you decide what you are going to do now.
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I also believe it all stems from my own insecurities.
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I think you have hit the nail on the head... believe me, I'm generally insucure my self, thats how I how know, like the saying goes; "it takes one to know one".
I dont think I could say it better than Intuit did, you just need to decide if you are totally on board with this relationship, even with the specter of swinging in the background. And yes, I remember you saying that is part of why you started this thread, so I will do my best to answer...
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All my closest friends have always been men....My FH has alot of women friends
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Look, by the sound of it, both of you could have any person you really want for a life partner, right? So I will ask you what I asked myself many years ago: Of all the people you could have, do you still choose your FH? Like Intuit has been saying, only you can answer that question. Just because you have misused, or walked away from, relationships in the past, dosn't mean you have to do the same with this one. You question your value to your husband-to-be, and you say girls come to him all the time, but the fact is he still chooses you for his life partner. Whats that say about your value to him?
As for the swinging, if you read this forum for a while, you will realize that its like Intuit said, the issues are what you make of it. Maybe this will help, and maybe not, but here's an analogy I once came up with to help me navigate the feelings of love and intimacy as they are connected to sexual expresion/experience. Suppose that 'flowers' = 'sexual ectasy'. There are two types of people, those that like gettting flowers, and those that like having flowers. Thats to say, even though both enjoy flowers very much, some believe getting flowers is a prerequisit to having them and enjoying them, and place value on the receiving, or use the act of recieving to judge the people involved in giving them flowers. But the others dont care, as long as they accept those giving them the flowers, it dosn't matter who is doing the giving. For them its all about the 'having': either they like what they have, or they dont. Its not that they dont love those giving them flower; its that they love the givers all the more for making sure they have flowers to enjoy. I hope you have followed this. My wife used to be the type that liked "getting flowers", but then she got older, her drive perked up, and now she likes "having flowers". And even though we aren't swingers, sex has since improved quite a bit, with alot of the old jealousy fading away. Im bringing all this up becuase it may turn out that way for you.
I also get the feeling from you posts that things are going kind of fast for you. I dont know what to say about this. Maybe some one else will have some useful advice. But I'm glad to hear that you are at trying to think carefully about it.
... My 2 cents....
I wish you the best!