We all have our demons, trini. Sounds like you've found out the names of yours. And it sounds like maybe swinging could be something in your future. Your distant future perhaps, but the potential is there. It's just a matter of sorting out some stuff first. It sounds like you understand the importance of having your head in the right place when it comes to swinging.
I don't know about bad karma when it comes to insecurities, because I just feel that insecurities are a matter of - quite simply - not knowing any different. Now if you were being a real asshole about something and you knew it and you did it anyway...well then I guess you can expect karma to bite you in the ass for that.
But if it's because of fear, well then it's just a matter of educating yourself and getting things straight in your head.
Are you a love junkie? My mother-in-law is. She loves the whirlwind romance and the dopamine high you get when love is fresh and new. Then she gets bored with her men and starts looking for excuses to dump them...because the high has worn off. I've lost track of the number of times she's been married. This is a real problem for some folks because they are unable to get beyond that "settling in" phase to where they develop the really good stuff: genuine love and attachment. Real love is seeing someone with the stomach flu, puking into a toilet at 3 AM...and holding her hair back for her. It's getting pissed off because he left the lid off the damn toothpaste again. It's bills and kids and messy houses and meddling in-laws and jobs that suck...and the real love is where you stand together in the middle of this mess "resting" in each other. You know. Putting your head against that spot on his chest (
your spot), and him with his lips kissing your hair. And you stand there like that for even just a few moments. And you're rested and ready to take the bullshit of life on again. It's knowing every dirty rotten thing about your partner and not just loving them in spite of it...but loving them FOR it. You don't care what they can do for you; you just want to do everything for them. You stop caring about what happens to your own life, and you only want what is best for him. Infatuation gives you a buzz like a drinking a couple of pots of coffee. Amps you up, gives you a euphoric energy, and yes, increases your stress level...but you like it. Love makes you feel like a still, quiet lake. At peace finally. Finally things are clear to you, and you get a happiness - a contentment - that you just can't explain to those who have never felt it themselves.
I sure hope you stick around. It would be nice if FH would come and read some of this thread, too. I'm a little concerned that he doesn't want to communicate about this. That's a big red flag for me. Be sure to let him know that you can't build a marriage on uncertainty...and he's not exactly helping matters out in that respect.