I agree with what others said before, but I want to dig deeper on what Julie said.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Sentinel Hello all~
My choices seem pretty limited: it's either live with my life as it is now and grow more and more frustrated with the situation or seek counselling with some kind of sex therapist. That's the route I'm thinking hard on right now- not only might it help me get some kind of handle over my sexual urges, but it also shows my wife that I'm serious about resolving this whole thing. |
Both objectives are valid ones, however they may not be compatible. It's calls my attention you wording, portrayng what so far you expressed as a missing feeling as a
sexual urge, because this is what opens the door to the interpretation that there could be
something wrong about
you in the swinging context (which differs from
something wrong about swinging).
One important disctinction we make is that we swing because we can and NOT because we NEED TO swing, and if we ever feel we do it because we NEED to do it, then we'd have to reconsider the whole thing as a symptom of something odd inside our relationship.
So, back to you, your choice (perhpas unconscious) for the word "urge" implies a NEED or a craving, more than
just a matter of taste or liking.
This is the sort of "slips" a therapist would catch in the air, and even if a swinger-friendly, portray this particular case as potentially
wrong. And even more important than the portrait itself, he may be
right about this, at least as being the
fundament for that difference with your wife that you called
fundamental.
If I got this impression just from your post, from how odd it sounded to me the use of the word
urge, I think it is possible that your wife could be already feeling there is something odd as well, just from hearing you talk about your previous experiences and your current needs, and from your choice of words, and for someone who valuates the intimacy the way she does, this could be way more than enough to trigger a miriad of fears about the relationship and your commitment, because at some point, it seems to me you're putting in the same level your need for swinging and your need for her and for the relationship.
So, back to your objectives for such a counseling, it seems to me the second one, make your wife understand how serious this is for you, ends up being uncompatible with the former one. It actually express your desire about
her being the one giving up and changing her mind, and you desire about
not being you the one giving up and changing your mind.
It seems to me you're looking for a polite way to make an ultimatum. Your whole marriage would be deppending on
her choice about this, and now, I purpose you the exercise of get in her shoes. Do you really believe she will ever give up this way? If she does, she'd be giving up the whole relationship with you, it'd be as important for you,
and for her, as
just having fun with other people.
So, my advice here is, seek for such a counseling (ensuring the guy is swinger-friendly) but make this second objective explicit. Tell the therapist this about your choice of words, the
urge, and ask him/her to focus on this feeling of you.
It isn't your wife the one who needs to understand the meaning of concepts like
intimacy or difference between love and sex, but
you two who needs to explore the basements of your current relationship and ask yourselves several questions before even thinking of swinging. Just a few I may think of right now, from your post:
Does she have the chance to fulfill your sexual needs, your
urge? If she doesn't... why? She may feel unfit to do it, and if so, it's because of something she
lacks of? If so, then by engaging in swinging she may be risking to
loose you in the expert hands of someone
more fit.
I hope this give you the same clue I got here, that perhaps the
fundamental difference you both have isn't about theoretical concepts of love and intimacy, but about something that could be going on right now, in your everyday life, and if I am right and it is there, is very likely that it is interferring in your relationship, even beyond the "to swing or not to swing" question, and for sure afecting the question's outcome.
Ultimatelly, I believe that the only chance she have to give it a serious tought about swinging would be possible AFTER you turn this
urge into
just a matter of taste, i.e., after she's reasured that you put her and the relationship in first place, something that your
urge may not be allowing you to do today.