Hello all~
First time poster here. Sorry in advance for the length. I've lurked for quite a while, though, and to this point have never really seen an issue like what I'm having. I've been in the lifestyle since 2000 or so, and met a lot of really great people- in my honest opinion you'll never find a group of more open, friendly folks than you will in a community such as ours. You guys are just a lot of fun! I always feel accepted and welcome when going to a club or party that's frequented by fellow swingers.
Anyway, I met a girl outside of the lifestyle 3 years ago. We fell in love & got married, and have been hitched pretty happily for 2 years now. She was aware of my swinging background before we were engaged (I mentioned it on our 3rd date- honesty is always the best policy, you know?), but had no desire to participate in it herself. At the point where I got married, I thought this was it: I've found the woman of my dreams and my swinging past is exactly that- the past.
We're pretty adventurous sexually. I've taken my wife to swing clubs in Indiana and Ohio, and it really opened her eyes when it came to the lifestyle- she agrees with me that swingers are a fun group of people, and feels completely comfortable going around topless or nude at any of the clubs we frequent.
Herein lies the issue: she's fine with going to the clubs, fine with showing off her bod, but when it comes to sex she insists it's in a private room, and will not consider the possibility of getting others involved. So really, it's not swinging per se. It's an opportunity for us to dress provocatively, dance and have sex in an exotic location. This works great for her, and I respect her boundaries. I'm happy being with her, too, but at the same time I can't help but miss how great it felt to be in a group situation!
I miss chatting with fellow swingers online and flirting. I miss that incredible thrill when you leave your house for a rendezvous at a bar, either for a first-time meeting or to hook up with old friends. I miss that little awkward moment when everyone starts taking their clothes off prior to getting all hot & sweaty. I miss all of it!
So what do I do? Cheating on my wife is not an option- I love her & plan on spending the rest of my life with her. I've tried to just keep my mind off the whole concept of swinging, but it doesn't work: once you've tried it, and know how good it can be, something like that is impossible to just drop out of your life. I'm sure you folks know what I'm talking about.
To me there's a set difference between making love with my wife and having sex with friends. She doesn't see it that way: to her, intimacy is something to be shared between the two of us, and that's it. This is a basic fundamental difference in our views, and I don't know as though there can be any middle ground there. My choices seem pretty limited: it's either live with my life as it is now and grow more and more frustrated with the situation or seek counselling with some kind of sex therapist. That's the route I'm thinking hard on right now- not only might it help me get some kind of handle over my sexual urges, but it also shows my wife that I'm serious about resolving this whole thing.
This takes an approach I'm not really comfortable with, however: I don't see swinging as "wrong" by any definition of the term, and if a counsellor I'm seeing tries to portray it as such, then I'm gonna have some problems with him/her. Like I said, folks in the lifestyle are great people- my issue is that I miss it and my wife is not into it at all. Any advice anybody might have on this would really be helpful- I'm not sure how to proceed here.
Thanks for listening! Feel free to email me with any advice you might have!
Rob
decadentfun03@yahoo.com