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Originally Posted by zidanemonkeyboy Hey, I'm new here and new to this lifestyle, and I have a few questions about my situation.
A few months ago I told my girlfriend that I was interested in the swinging lifestyle. She didn't seem to have any interest at the time, and told me that she would never do something like that. But that was that, and I dropped the subject, after joking around and setting a basic rule system. Like, always use protection and ask my permission before hand, that sort of thing. But she still wasn't interested, which was fine by me.
Just last week we went to a party at a hotel and got drunk with a bunch of friends. Both of us were very intoxicated and having alot of fun, eventually every one went back to their rooms and my girlfriend and I had a little "after party" in our hotel room, a quiet way to end the night. A little while later, and a few drinks deeper, I couldn't stay awake any longer, and passed out.
In the morning I was awoken with a start and a sad looking girlfriend with a long face saying "I've done something bad hun" I immediatly knew what she had done, and said it was okay, but asked if she had used protection. And to my surprise she hadn't. I was quite upset. And even though I told her it was okay, I felt as if I had been cheated on. Later, after my hangover subsided, I got curious and started asking her questions and all that. Eventually she told me that basically it was okay for her to see other guys, but not okay for me to see other girls.
Why do I feel hurt?
Why does she think it's okay for her to see other guys and not okay for me to see other women?
Does it sound to any of you that we are ready for this type of thing?
I'd greatly appreciate responses.
- dk |
Sorry, dk, but she's definitely not ready for the rigors of swinging, and if you can't see why, then neither are you. My guess? She doesn't understand the lifestyle, doesn't understand how people can do it and still live with themselves. So she likely resents you for asking her to "sully" herself in this way. What she needs to come to understand is that you're not asking her to dirty herself for your sake. You're not taking something away from her. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Although thoroughly understanding WHY she did what she did may dull the sting of it somewhat, you have every right to feel hurt and angry. YES, it was cheating...and blaming the alcohol is a poor excuse. NO, it's NOT fair to be asked to live with her double standard. Sometimes it's okay to offer your partner a little breathing room by temporarily reining one's self in while allowing her complete freedom. This is just lovingkindness. But it is NOT okay for someone to demand that you restrict yourself simply because she values her own comfort over the fair treatment of another human being. The giving and receiving of a gift loses its meaning when that gift becomes an expectation.
This seems disastrous right now, but it can be healed. First things first: go get yourselves a barrage of STD testing and rule that out right away. Then start talking and don't stop until you're so sick of talking that you want to just puke. Dig deep, and aim for the painful stuff. That's where your trouble lies. This ls like having to jack up the foundation of a house; it's a painful, messy, tiring job, but once it's done all the doors swing smoothly and the windows open and shut with ease. You'll wonder why you lived so many years with the creaks and groans of a malfunctioning relationship when the solution was staring you in the face every morning when you woke up.
You should both read as much as you can here on SwingersBoard. Try getting started and the FAQ for starters. Then use the search feature (drop-down menu above) to search for relevant keywords, like "jealous(y)" or "cheating" or "guilt(y)". Use what you find as a springboard for discussion.
Good luck!