[The Fuse]

Long post ... fair warning.

I think I know what peoples' opinions on this situation will be, but my judgement is admittedly clouded, so I'm throwing it out there to see what comes back. I've seen a lot of threads on swinging with friends, but haven't seen the situation I'm presenting.

Mr. Fuse and I have a longtime friend, H. I am very close with him. We've known him for sixteen years. For fifteen of those years, he's been trying to get me to sleep with him. For about twelve of those years, he's been married to someone else we're both friends with. He knows it's not going to happen, because the answer has always been a resounding "NO", with no caveats. I love H in spite of this, for other reasons having to do with his character, as a dear friend. H is partly joking when he talks about sex with me, but partly not.

H's wife is a nice woman, very cerebral, quiet, and hardworking. They are a good match in many ways, but not sexually. She is pretty well un-interested in sex. They were in their twenties when they got together, and she had never even kissed anyone prior to that. Amazing but true. No religious upbringing influence, just a lack of interest. Her whole family seems the same way. She obviously loves him, and does try to accomodate him. She's not uninterested due to spite or some other negative emotion. But she appears to have a low libido, and can't muster the desire he needs.

H, on the other hand, is extremely into sex, and knew about this problem going into their marriage. He is still happy in the marriage, and has never talked about separating or anything like that. However, he feels "entitled" to pursue sexual relationships with other women, and would definitely have a secret affair if he could. I've told him that I consider this a seriously wrong attitude -- he's not entitled to cheat. He deserves sexual validation as much as anyone, because he is a great husband. He is sweet to her, loves her, cares for their daughter, cares for her aging parents, cooks dinner, cleans house, and works part time. He still tries to have sex with her, but the times they do are few and far between.

As far as I know, he hasn't had an affair. He is not into casual sex -- he wants an affair, with all the emotions that would go with it. He feels unappreciated, not desired, and dismissed sexually at home, and wants validation so badly it's palpable. I told him point blank, years ago, not to tell me if he has an affair, as I would feel obliged to tell Mrs. H. Mr. Fuse knows about everything.

H and I have an affinity for each other. I am not the only woman he's pursued, but I'm definitely the main one. I have suppressed any desire I feel for him. I just don't let it out. It's there, though.

Before Mr. Fuse and I started swinging, I would simply not have considered doing anything with H. Cheating was not in the cards for me, and I wouldn't have enabled him to do it either. H "knows" that I would not have sex with anyone but my husband. Now, I have this guilt (that I admit is misplaced), because I'm having sex with several other men, still can't be with him, and of course he still thinks we're monogamous. I'm dying to tell him about our adventures, because we've always shared so much, and he is so open-minded. But that is out of the question with him tied up in knots the way he is.

Yesterday over lunch, I guess I just wasn't routing what I was saying through the sanity filter. He was saying his usual stuff about sex together. I said that if Mrs. H would be okay with it (ha ha), that I would ask Mr. Fuse... of course H "knows" that Mr. Fuse would never approve of such a thing. It was definitely in the context of a joke, but of course there is that grain of reality in there. Oops; that should not have been said. It's just so hard to remember certain things are secret with close friends!

Mr. Fuse and I talked about it last night. We're concerned that in the unlikely event that we had a threesome (or even less likely, a swap, which would be great if Mrs. H were interested), H would become too needy and demanding after the first time. We trust them to not "out" us or anything like that. I have no idea how Mrs. H would react, because sometimes people surprise you. I would definitely need to speak directly to her to get her approval, if H said she did approve.

I am afraid that the experience would only increase his dissatisfaction with his sex life at home and make things worse for him, not to mention endangering our friendship. On the other hand, it could be a wonderful experience and an ongoing good thing in all our lives. It could deepen our friendship going forward and give him the validation (and the sex) he wants, which could lift a big burden in his life.

I'm well aware that this would not be "swinging" or "playing" like we do with our swing partners. H is not getting what he needs at home. That makes this different than our swinging encounters, where a couple is having some adventure together in addition to a satisfying one-on-one sex life.

So go ahead, tell me I'm crazy.

Please.

Reading the above, it appears clear that we shouldn't explore this... but like I said, my judgement is clouded. I want it to be workable and make everyone happy. Set me straight.