[Chicup]

Originally Posted by 2jersey

We read a lot of online profiles, and it seems that many include some sort of reference to ‘friendship’. Typical examples include: “we are looking for new friends” - “seeking friends with benefits” - and the ever popular “friendship first, and let’s see what develops”.

Anyways I'm SURE at some point we had friends first in our profile. I think its the newbie way to say 'We just don't want this to be about dirty sex!' (lies!) and 'we want to make sure you are 100% safe and not wierdos' (not a lie). With some people who are not ‘ready’ to swing, its an escape to ‘see’ the lifestyle without playing, with others like us when we had it, it sounded good but we still had sex the first ‘date’. For us it’s a red flag on the profile, and if its pared on say Swing Lifestyle with ‘mild/moderate’ we will pass that profile by, on the other hand if they have it and they have ‘wild’ and seem to be ready to play in the profile then we may be interested.

We must admit, we’re into swinging for the sexual adventure, and developing true friendships is low on our agenda. On the other hand, we screen couples for compatibility by considering whether they have the personal qualities which are consistent with the attributes of our vanilla friends.

To illustrate a point: We’re happy when we meet a couple, like them, and have sex with them. If we have multiple encounters with a particular couple, we might develop a mutual fondness and respect. But, to be blunt, if/when the sexual activity has permanently concluded, the relationship is over (thus disproving the notion that we were ever true friends).

We are the same way BUT before you say never, you haven’t had your swinger type friends very long. Most of the couples we have been with would fit the above, but we also have a couple that we have been together with for five years now. If the swinging part of our relationship stopped we would most likely still be friends and still do stuff together (depends on why it stopped of course).

In our profile we state: “ 'Friendship first' is a very nice sentiment, but it doesn't reflect our approach to swinging. We seek compatibility and comfort first, sexual activity next - and friendship may develop over time.”

Perhaps most people who say they are seeking friendship have views which are similar to ours, but they are less literal in their use of the word ‘friend’? Maybe we are scaring away some high quality people by including the aforementioned friendship reference in our profile? Perhaps we are being hypocritical by including friendship qualities in our screening criteria, while denouncing the idea that we might develop immediate and lasting friendships? Maybe it’s just a slow day and we have nothing particularly important on our minds?

You are being blunt, direct, and honest, and maybe you are scaring away new couples by seeming to ‘vet’ like. As a newbie couple we shied away from vets who we thought were to ‘into’ swinging. Our approach to the lifestyle is the same as yours, our approach to friendship in it is the same too, and we find the ‘friends first’ to be a bit comical in retrospect, BUT we state it a bit differently. We approach it from the other end, we state (and I’m not sure of the exact wording) that “We don’t expect to be friends first but we are looking for socially compatible people”.