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Originally Posted by fun4Ds yes we are going to seek some counseling its been very depressing .we have swinger friends but we have been on a major lifestyle break. this is not something you can talk to family about maby other swingers. mrs fun has been very supportive with a lot of love notes on the table. may sound kinda strange but we are kind of making a few jokes from time to time. like the day of the party mrs.fun said i may be in for a big surprise.well it certanly was a surprise. we thank you all for the support |
Perhaps it is worth to say that what happens to us today IS AS INTENDED by your abuser as it was the original abuse itself. The abuser is perfectly aware of this effect, and rely on all your current feelings as a preventive measure against being reported (both to the authorities and to the social circle where he/she moves).
Even when I suggest you to do something about it, and that I believe that doing something about this, even when painfull and risky, is a way to help you two put this behind, I will not blame on you if you doesn't want to. The abuser is the only one to blame here.
Having my own experiences correlatied to the abuse's victim role, I've been there. I believe I know what you feel. In this abuse you don't recollect what happend, but think of how you'd feel if you were able to recollect it, I mean, people doing things to you while you're deprived from the hability to stop them. I bring this point because it have to do with your guity feelings.
It uses to happen to the victim that, besides the implications of a rape, they recollec enjoying some aspects of the activities he/she was forced to do. For example, a victim of a rape may feel phisical arousal for an intercourse, or even cum, which makes things even worst, because this leads to wrongly conclude that if there was something enjoyable for the victim it would make his/her "share the responsability" for the abuse, as if what define something as a rape were not alone the violence and the forced act, but the "reward" that ony the abuser is supposed to have. Something like "if I felt pleasure, then to some extent, i've been asking for this to happen".
Even when you don't recollect what happend, this scenario correlate with yours because you went to a swinger party seeking for sexual enjoyment, at least for the "to some extent, i've been asking for this to happen" tought.
One of the most difficult parts in the victim's healing proccess is to be able to set appart the arousal or the pleasure involved from the responsability for what happend. To be able to say "yes, I phisically enjoyed being done this or that, this is natural and not my falut, so I hate EXLUSIVELY my abuser and not myself". And I guess something pretty close to this happens to you today, you hate yourself because you were seeking for having sex with strangers, disregarding the main fact here, which is the TERMS under you were up to do it.
Sex has nothing to do with this. The rape is defined by the process by means of which the abuser TERMS are being imposed, overriding by force your own TERMS, even to do the same you'd agree to do under your own terms.
To recognize and internalize this fact, and to diferentiate this from the involved sexual desires require a hard and painfull process that MUST be supervised, and requires an objective perspective to ensure you achieved this goal.
It is because of this that you two need counseling. There's nothing wrong with you two, there's no fault from you.
As it was told before, REMEMBER the people in this forum feels symphaty for your two, and that we're here for you.
I invite you to drop me as many private messages you want to vent off and/or just talk, now and along your healing proccess. Do NOT isolate yourselves, people support is and will be a valuable resource for you two. Don't hesitate to use this resource at will.