You're in a very tough spot John. But unless you want to just kiss your relationship goodbye, do NOT concede to this. This concerns me:
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Originally Posted by JohnUK I may not have made it clear. I don't want to be with anyone else and she doesn't want me to be with anyone else either. But she would try to understand and let me (with difficulty) if that's what I wanted. So she's not too selfish in that respect. She knows it's tough for me but she's trying to be honest with how she's feeling. |
Neither of you are mentally prepared for it, and you really do HAVE to be. You can't just wing it. Okay, some people can, but generally they're taking a leap of faith
together, and exploring the lifestyle
together. But in this, you are just willing to do anything to keep her. In order to do this right now, you feel that you have to sell a little piece of your soul. Never, ever do this. You will hate yourself for it, and resent her. It's just sex, John. It ain't worth it!
But I guess you knew that deep down, right? What you're needing right now are some practical suggestions beyond, "Talk,talk,talk". So let's see what we can do.
The task at hand right now is to take stock of things. Measure and weigh your relationship. Be objective. Knowing what you know about your relationship, be completely honest: is it in decent shape? Does it have a few dents? Rust spots? Holes? Would a stiff breeze knock it over? If it was a car, would you scrap it, or would you overhaul it? I don't just mean the way it looks on the outside. I don't mean, 'will it get you from A to B?' I mean, is it really
solid?
Now think a little bit more about this statement that you made:
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Originally Posted by JohnUK The thing is...while the idea arouses me, i'd honestly prefer her not to do it. |
You need to figure out WHY it arouses you, and WHY you'd prefer that she didn't do it. Sounds easy, but like I said before, this is going to be like peeling an onion...and it might make you cry.
lol You've already answered a few of these questions:
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Originally Posted by JohnUK ...I don't want her feeling this way if its what she needs[allowing sex to control the situation, not the other way around]...I admit I am hurt that its something I can't satisfy[feelings of inferiority, mistakenly trying to live up to the impossible standard that we must be our spouse's "one, only, and everything"]...I don't know how I'll feel about her afterwards [you have a certain view of your wife that you have become accustomed to, and are uncomfortable with that changing. You are afraid you will lose respect for her...which you might if you believe that swinging is wrong] ...worried that this might open some floodgates with her and she might not want to look back [fear of abandonnment]. She says she doesn't think so but did ask me what if she did feel like this [perhaps your wife is leaning more toward polyamory]...I'd want out of the relationship [and you're not into polyamory AT ALL...this would be a serious, relationship-altering source of conflict, which you would prefer to avoid]... This just isn't for me [this might sum it up nicely]. Especially the way it is, ie: she'd never want me to be there [she's uncomfortable expressing her "unacceptable" sexuality in front of you, because she is afraid you will not still love her if you saw all the "ugly" parts of her.]... |
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Originally Posted by JohnUK Should I try to understand and let her get it out of her system if she still feels this way or make a stand. She says she won't do it if I don't want her to but I don't want her to stay feeling like this. I'd prefer she did what she had to do and get it out of her system, even if it means us splitting up! |
I'm glad that you are taking this as seriously as you are, becuase it's much less about sex than it is about where your relationship is at. Have you told her this?
Essentially, this is where my relationship with Mr. intuition wound up, with both of us questioning our ability to satisfy each other. It was very painful, until we realized that we still enjoyed being WITH one another - moreso than with any other person - but we felt cramped and dishonest if we had to pretend that we weren't aroused by other people so that we could stay together. So we just let go completely. Mr. intuition is free to leave this relationship anytime he pleases. If it would make him happy to develop another LTR with someone else, then I'm down with that. I'm not into it myself, but my focus is on making sure he's living the life that he deserves. Neither of us is "holding" the other person in the relationship. If the relationship could be analogized by two people embracing, the marriage we had before was where we were both holding the other person so they wouldn't run away. Now, we're holding each other because we want to adhere ourselves TO each other's lives, not try to keep them in our
own lives. We choose to be together, and we won't use coercion of any sort to manipulate the other person into staying. The only things we are free to manipulate are ourselves, making ourselves into the kinds of people that our spouses would choose to live with for the rest of their lives. He has to
choose to stay with me. I will not bind him to me.
Only you can decide whether or not you want to change your mind about your jealousy and hurt feelings. And your wife will need to work equally hard to deepen her understanding of things, too, as I think she still has an issue with separating love and sex. You either change your mind about non-monogamy, sell a piece of your soul, or leave the relationship. It sucks...but them's your choices. It's like friggin' Fear Factor - the Relationship Episode! They sure don't make it easy to pick which entree you want in round 2, do they? :rollseyes
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, John. Please keep us posted.