[sereneiders]

Well, I am not a lady but I'll tell you what I think anyway.

Let's suppose she were up to have sex with another male. The I would advice you AGAINST choosing this friend of her as such a male.

You have to understand that there are many, many things that can happen in unexpected ways for both of you, and that the actual experience won't be the way you fantasize it would be. Should something unexpected happen, during such an encounter or afterwards... let say, a regret, or your wife's fear of not being able to meet his expectations, it's very likely that she won't be able to face this guy anymore. Even in the best scenario, the friendship she actually have and treasure wiht this guy WILL change, and she may want to keep it the way it is right now, something that has nothing to do with her or your sexuality.

By picking this guy as a cantidate, you're making a bet with your wife's assests, and not with yours. Besides the side effects this may have inside your marriage, she'd have way more to loose than you should you loose your bet. So, my first tought is, if you wanna bet, use your own money, or ask her to share the investment equally with you, but don't use her money. If I were your wife, under this terms I would say NO even if I were willing to be with another male.

In any case, I'd choose an unknown guy no one of you have a previous attachment to preserve, because winging is way too complex involving just two people's feelings and commitments as to add up the feelings and commitments for third ones. You may want to know the guy and reach the degree of confidence required as for her to engage, and this is pretty common in the lyfestile.

The second tought I have for you is: it's well known that swinger shouldn't be used as a tool to force things to change in certain planned way inside a marriage or in someone's attitude. Certainly once engaging in swinging there are changes, but you hardly would figure out what and how it will change, and less you'd be able to plan in advance seeking for a desired effect. Trying to do it is one of the fastest ways to failure, and you may be even risking to wreck your marriage. So I'd advice you against your plans. There are many other things you can do to improve her self esteem, and if her self steem were really an issue here, then you'd need her self esteem ALREADY improved BEFORE engaging in swinging, because if not you could be playing with her emotional stress and risking her to get really hurt. And if I were your wyfe, I'd be seriously concerned to engage in swinging if I were having some clue telling me you may be being careless about my emotional stress and my safety, to the point of saying NO even if I were willing to be with another male.

My third and final tought for you is, she already said no.... but you know better? There's a rule among swingers, even a written rule inside swingers clubs: "NO means NO". She said no. A second rule says "NO means NO, and don't ask for explanations", because by asking for explanations you're looking for a way to, either understand something that isn't your business, or to get resources to argue against the decision already made. So far, she said NO in this scenario, involving a friend of her, but she may say YES in other scenarios and once she feel her safety is your main concern, even against your own desires and what turns you on.

If she were to say YES, then the other rule would apply "go as fast as the slowest one can go", and if you want to go faster because "you know better", this could be enough motivation for her to change her mind.

But if she were to say NO in any scenario, I'd suggest yout to let it go.

I believe ladies oppinions here are valuable... but for her if she were the one asking for it and reading them. By asking the ladies oppinons it seems you're looking for tools to push your wife, to talk her into it.

I'd suggest you to invite her to the board to ask herself the questions she needs to ask to help her decide what to do, wheter you like or not her final choice.