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Originally Posted by chinadoll I want to talk to him badly Ottawa, but he isn't that talking type. If they were doing something before all of this, I don't know how I would find out. If I ask him, and he says no, which he already has, how can I believe him now that he has lied to me? I might be able to use lies to get him to tell me, but then I am just as bad as he is. I can't thank you all enough for replies, you have no idea how much it helps me. |
Well, the premise all swingers will tell you over and over is "talk, talk, and once tired of talking, keep talking". You need to talk EVERITHING with your couple before engaging in swinging, and all along the way. Every tought, every shade of doubt, every bit of fear have to be spoken and listened.
If you hubby isn't "the talking type" to the point that you cannot bring up an issue that geopardize your marriage so badly... then forget about swinging (moreover, I bet that the trat of forgetting about this will turn him into "the talking type" of guy).
As for me, this particular couple should be put "off limits". If he isn't the "talking type", then he wouldn't talk back about this... and if he does, they he already turned into the "talking type". Don't let him be a discretional "talking type", one who talks only when can take an adventage and doesn't when the topic frigthens his interests. All or nothing.
As for us, we have the freedom to speak with whoverer we want to talk without requiring the other permission, but we take the care of letting know the other that we did. Moreover, under our very personal rules, we are very respectfull of each other privacy, we agree every one have the right to have a private conversation with other people and it's a matter of choice to disclose it or not... but these are OUR rules, based on our degree of mutual trust, and we both feel confortable with our current rules.
It isn't the case, and he cannot claim it to become the case. You already have your rules (I hope you made these explicit), and he BROKE an existing rule, and worst, without your knowledge nor aproval in advance. So... why he wouldn't break other rules as well?
It doesn't care his motivations, if he's having an affair or if he isn't. It doesn't care if he is being honest with you about his motivations. He already screwed it up, and he must know he screwed up big time as to ensure he will follow the rules from now and on. He minated you confidence on his hability to preserve your marriage and protect you inside a swinging scenario, and that turned such an scenario into a very dangerous one for you. Unless reasured about his habilities, I wouldn't swing at all.