[mystic]

Thanks for your encouraging remarks about the work I'm trying to do.

Originally Posted by sweetshyquiet

In public, at a club or party, I don't think I would want to spend much time with someone who had never had a girlfriend and seemed to have a reduced set of social skills. The very nature of the interaction is time-sensitive: I'm here for just a couple of hours, to meet or play with people before we all have to go our separate ways. I am going to respond most favorably to others who can "make best use of that time," so to speak -- demonstrating personality and intellect with razor-sharp small talk, wit, etc.

Exactly. I pick up on that ALL the time. And these self-help books say, "the negative self-talk that's going on in your head isn't rational" is pure bullshit. Granted I know I definately have some bad negative self-talk going on, but this is something that I just know is true. It's not "always" true, but it is true in most cases.

From what I understand, being sharp socially, playful, witty, etc. are not skills, but are genetic traits. Yes, they can be manipulated to some extent, but it has a lot to do with the way one's pathways in the brain are organized when taking in external stimuli, and some human brains are wired differently. Mine takes a very long route to my long-term memory. I will never be able to be sharp and witty, but always contemplative and thinking. It's not going to go away.

And it's funny, because the book I read to learn about this also talked about people with short pathways in the brain think we are not very intelligent. I have an IQ of 141. I bet I'm smarter than you. Not out of arrogance or to say I'm better than you are (because I'm not), but from pure genetic statistical probabilities. But if you were to meet me in person, you'd probably come to the conclusion that I had an IQ of 90 or 100 tops.

It's amazing than when women describe a man, they say common things like he's funny and "smart" - yet most of the guys that get these compliments aren't that smart at all, at least not in the sense that they are in the top 10% of the world. They are probably average. Intelligence often comes at a price, as 60% of the world's smartest people are in a group consisting of only 25% of the world's population. Just food for thought.

I think what actually bothers me the most is that people can judge you instantly about your genetic makeup. It feels like an attack on your core being, not just a mistake you've made, and gives this feeling that you are inadequate and will never measure up. I try not to feel that way, but the constant reality of being reminded that you can't fit in and people excusing themselves after 30 seconds to 2 minutes is very frustrating.

Even when I'm not anxious around people I feel comfortable with, I'm still not a social butterfly with a grand sense of humour. Being playful and fun is extremely hard for me. I often wish it were easier and more natural. I think partially it's my mood. Maybe going on an SSRI would be the right decision, despite it's drawbacks. But even when I was feeling absolutely in bliss (it's happened once, where no negative thoughts were interrupting my ability to feel good), I could not crank out jokes or make funny comments. I think it's partially a skill, but I wasn't blessed with any natural talents for humour or an active "right-brain".

When I make a social risk in saying something I think is funny, it usually results in a medium laugh 1 time out of 20 attempts, and I get a sincere laugh about 1 out of 150 attempts. So I might have to work at it for days just to get the self-esteem boost of getting 1 laugh from an attempt at humour.

Originally Posted by sweetshyquiet

Whereas, anyone that I meet through one of the lifestyle personals websites, I insist on written interaction up front, and there's an explicit understanding that it will be a few days at least before we're sitting down together in person. The nature of that interaction means there is time to carefully choose your words, put your very best foot forward, so on.

Have you investigated some of the personals sites like Match, True, e-Harmony, etc.?

I've tried this. I got some people to actually chat with me on MSN. Out of those, I tried to set up dates with them after some positive chat sessions. I tried to be as playful and interesting as a could. Other times I'd just be myself. I tried all kinds of things. Ultimately, every single person flaked on me.

And also what I noticed is that everyone was into games. I've read all about it, so I'm well aware of it when it's happening. It's like they use it to play along and create this sense of attraction. In fact, after learning a lot about attraction (with respect to flirting, etc.), it almost seems fake, as if real attraction doesn't occur often enough, so they devise a game to create it. It's astonishing, but most couples who actually stay together never played the games, or even it appeared that way, they were probably just confused and weren't doing it on purpose in response to how they were feeling. The relationships that often go bust and don't last very long initially started to play the games.

So what if you're aren't sharp enough to play along? Sure, I might come up with what to say hours later after thinking about it, or the next day, but that didn't do me any good in the moment. Unless I have a default thing to say/do in every situation, I usually run into blanks. To me, it seems silly, and I think it's too much effort to learn for little reward.

I often read that "wanting a women to like you for you" is a wishful fantasy (stressing that you have to basically alter your personality and character instead), but in the end, does one want to pretend to be someone they aren't their entire lives and keep at it? Or do you want to spend a lot of time with someone who actually doesn't the real you? How could one actually stand that? To me, that would really burn me out to the point of exhaustion, even after 2 weeks of successfully pulling it off.

Originally Posted by sweetshyquiet

I guess my point is that you shouldn't stop your efforts to interact more in public. And I agree with the men who've said that you've got to get rejections under your belt --

It's not the rejection so much as it's the self reflection on my behaviour. When I don't succeed or have a pleasent experience or say something very stupid, my mind is very critical of me. My mind is on auto-pilot, always thinking about what's going on and what just happened. It's impossible to turn it off, so I have to direct it's attention elsewhere, and that's really difficult to do.

Originally Posted by sweetshyquiet

but I also know, like you've said, that success is what builds the esteem. So, maybe you should consider a strategy of also trying to meet women via a venue where you can shine more with the skills you've already built.

This is a great idea, but I have no idea where to go. I mean certainly this would be better than random approaches on the bus, mall or street. Statiscally, I'm trying to do something that most normal people would find challenging. In a lot of ways, I'm doing one of the hardest things. But I don't have a choice. My mom won't bother to hook me up (I don't like her much - she thinks I'm not a capable adult who can take care of myself and she thinks I don't know what's going on). To be honest, I'm sure I don't want her involved at all. And I have a business partner and an employee, but my business partner's friends have already made it clear they dislike me (mainly because of my lack of social skills, anxiety, etc.). According to all of them, I make them uncomfortable, I creep them out, I don't provide anything to their evenings and generally dislike having me around. Sounds like great feedback, doesn't it?

I often wished I had a place to go where people were. A place I could enjoy by myself, but also gave me the oppurtunity to socialize and show me in the best possible light. But what is it? I've been trying to figure that out for months.

Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate all the comments I'm receiving. Thank you.