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Originally Posted by JnCC That is actually a very perceptive statement! Yea, yea, some women are going to claim they're not THAT shallow. But as a rule, it's true more often than not...at least where dating and relationships are concerned. Women in general want to fuck "up," not "down." (Men, in general, want to fuck "prettier" than "uglier," but that's another story)
I'm starting to get a clearer picture of why you're finding it difficult to meet women.
I stayed at a hotel that was hosting a Star Trek convention once. There were some very interesting characters hanging around that place well into the night. Maybe if you started hanging out with them? You know...get some latex Spock-ears and a resin-cast Phasor. Who knows..you might get "beamed" into some chicks room. Highly unlikely...but possible, I suppose. |
I agree. Men qualify women 80% on their physical appearance and health indicators and 20% on everything else (personality, character, interests, independance, social status, social skills, assertiveness, maturity, intelligence, confidence, overall well-being, sense of humour, etc.).
Women are exactly the opposite, where looks and physical health are far less important. It can matter, but I think women have these triggers inside of them that they can't decide who they are attractive to if they are presented a male who meets a lot of the stuff in the other category. They probably react in the same way men do when they see a very attractive and healthy women.
I don't blame the world or human beings for the way it works. I get it. It makes sense too. When two people get together when these things aren't naturally met, things can go very wrong, as in not adequately providing the right economic, emotional, social needs that are expected when having children, among other things.
And if anything, being a person who had unhealthy parents, I'm a direct consequence on what can happen when two people don't have their shit together - producing someone like me. I know it's not healthy to blame your parents, especially after one of them is dead, but I can't help but think about what life would be life if I actually had some cool parents. Parents who actually actively saw where I was headed when I was younger and talked to me about it and helped me live in a more healthy way so that I was aware of it, even back in grade school (never had friends, couldn't socialize, always got picked on, was depressed, thought I wasn't smart and got bad grades even though it turned out that I was actually quite intelligent). Instead, I got parents who never bothered to understand me. They never knew my needs. My dad was a whiney boy trapped in a man's body who was just so aggressive and always kicked the shit of me and my 2 brothers. When I tried to be assertive, I was neglected or punished. I wasn't even allowed to leave the home and play with friends. I was scared to do anything, so I didn't do anything. And I just felt like I had no freedom and choice to do what I wanted up until university. By then, I think I had a mental fortress around me. I wasn't letting anyone in
And when it came to girlfriends and sex, I was just told that it was wrong - period. I was told that I shouldn't even seek out a sexual relationship or talk to women, because the only reason I'd want to talk to women is to have sex with them. And I never witnessed a happy, loving relationship growing up, so I can't say I knew what one should be like. I just knew I had strong desires for it to be different.
So here I am desiring something and thinking that I'm wrong. Too scared to even admit that I wanted it. Afraid to think of what others would think if I did accept and unattractive, clingy girl in grade 9 just to see what it was like. And then seeing everyone else have sex and have girlfriends and thinking something was really wrong with me, mainly that I had so many mental blocks that prevented from persuing such relationships. And when I finally got over most of that around 20 or 21 years old, I felt it was just too late. Just being so socially anxious, reserved, innept socially, etc. made everything very depressing and overwhelming. And when I got to about 24, I went into really strong depressive states where I'd just be alone in my couch for days and not eat or sleep. I'd probably cry off and on for days straight. And when that happened for about 5 or 6 months, I finally got so fed up that I started to get some help.
Since then I'm a lot better. Yes, I'm not a bubbly happy person, but I'm no where near before. Things have really changed. But for the most part, they aren't where I'd like to be. Sometimes it feels like the task to get to where everyone else is at and build the life I want is so gigantic of a task that it still seems very overwhelming. I'm taking small steps and reminding myself that any step, however small, is a good and positive step that will get me to my goals. But it does seem to really exhaust my energy just thinking about it.
I just wish I had a mentor that would help me out. Who had gone through the same thing, or at least has successfully treated this kind of thing for many people and has a really good understanding of what's going on. The last psychologist didn't get it at all. After 20 hours of seeing him, I can't say he gave me much advice at all. Most of my self-improvement came from myself and reading lots and lots and lots of books on various topics and trying to make changes.
Geez I'm talking a lot. I'm sorry. I bet most of this has nothing to do with what you were saying. Sigh...