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Originally Posted by pacpl4funn
Now I feel like the "bad guy" cause I'm putting my foot down, but he's damn lucky it's not up his ass right now.
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Don't feel like the bad guy; he IS lucky he's not out on his ass at the curb right now!
You have nothing to feel bad about, except perhaps giving in to his demands when you were uncomfortable with it all. From what you've told us (and I could be wrong as I haven't heard both sides yet), it seems to me that you're the only one who's actually concerned about the health of your relationship. Hubby seems concerned about the longevity of it - because it's a comfortable life pattern for him, a safety net - but not so much about the actual health of it. Otherwise, he'd be choosing your emotional needs over his fascination with swinging. He's not showing much support or respect.
I recognize what he's doing. He wants his "safety net", but he also wants to be independent and not be accountable to anyone. He's running away from the relationship and from intimacy. His reaction to your enjoying yourself while swinging tells me that he hasn't thought this through very well...beyond what
he wants out of it, anyway.
And he's flirting with an affair to boot. His secret internet life is his way of fantasizing of "something more, something different..." Did it look like his heart skipped a beat when you confronted him about it? Nostrils flared a bit, pupils dilated? The 'what-ifs', left to their own devices, can eventually grow into actual experimentation. Always telling himself he can quit anytime he wants to. Just chat. Just email. Just voice chat. Just webcam. Just "accidentally" running into each other at the same place and time. Just coffee. Just talking about swinging (and their significant others, of course...which makes it perfectly innocent). Just a bit of flirting. Just one kiss, just one, he can stop anytime...
If you're going to work on your relationship, keep an eye out for evasive behaviour. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will NOT stand for dishonesty in your relationship. Period. His first reaction will likely be to burrow deeper in the sand and just be that much more careful that you don't find out that he's keeping up his hobby. If you discover any more hidden behaviour, look him dead in the eye and
tell him, "
You are hurting me. Why don't you care about that?"
While I know that life isn't as simple as all that, it really is important to not make idle threats here. If you say you will not stand for dishonesty, you
cannot stand for it. If he blatantly disregards your need for honesty, he needs to know that you...will...leave (or kick him out, whichever).
I'm sorry that you guys are going through this right now; getting out the other side of it is going to be a tough go, but if you are
both determined to heal your relationship, it can happen. Good luck to you both!