[JnCC]

Originally Posted by Tempest419

...Husband and I are of course involved with my best friend, whom I love very much... Sexually, we have had several threesomes over the last few months. Now she is dating again and has met a couple of guys so far.
I understand things happen and change and you can't generally set things in stone, but it always seems to be the same thing that she will be vague and tell me about seeing a guy after the fact... last night was the same, and they did indeed have sex. I feel weird about not knowing what her plans are.

You can be friends with somebody your whole life, but once you start sleeping with them, you're "dating," and the rules change considerably. For example, when you're out with someone, it's a breach of etiquette to discuss other people you're dating. It's OK to talk about the people you're dating with your friends, but not with your dates. It sounds like that line's become blurred for you, probably because this person was previously a friend.

she will tell me just about anything else about her schedule, from her work to her hair appointments... I observe that I am not being given information about the guys, specifially, up front.

Right...the "friend stuff she still shares with you, but the "date" stuff she's a lot more reserved about, because she worries that she's raising some issues of jealousy in you.

I am the type of person who can be blunt and open to the point of making people uncomfortable...and generally carry the attitude that everyone should be open and very communicative, especially when sex with other people (outside the three of us) is involved.

That's another rule that goes out the window when you're sleeping with (or trying to sleep with) someone. Are you trying to woo this person, or steamroll them? Does she ask you to reveal every detail of your sex life, in advance? Bluntless and honesty has it's place in the world, but save it for technical reports and internal memos, not dating.

I guess what it comes down to, is that I expected the same attitude/communication when introducing a "new" partner into the three of us and was hurt when I didn't receive it. Which tells me it's not really a much of a committed, poly-type triad, and really I'm just swingin' with a bi-fem...

Yes, your goals in this are much different than hers, which means it might be time to go back to being "just friends."

However, emotionally, I just consistently feel bad when she leaves those "guy" plans out of her conversations with me and tells me afterward. Can't explain it.

A couple things come to mind...one, you obviously have a deep emotional..."fixation"... on this woman. Is it possible (and I'm just throwing this out there, not saying it IS) but is it possible you want to know who she's with in advance, so you can intercede in her relationships and protect your own "territory?"

Another thing that happens when couples play with singles is that one of them starts to envy the autonomy that the single person has in their personal life, and it causes some discord. Again, I'm not saying it's true in your case, but I've seen it happen with others.

I think it must be nice to be a woman involved with a married couple--much more stability and predicability.

I think it would suck to high heaven. It's not that great for a single guy, and we don't generally form the kinds of emotional bonds that women do. I would think that for a woman, the only "stability" would be knowing that you're a rare commodity, and that replacing you would be hard to do. As for "predictability," there may be some truth in that. Generally, if you set your expectations for a relationship low enough, they'll be "predictably met" more often than not. If being the "third" were that nice, more women would be doing it. As it is, it's "using a LOT of bait to catch a fish they don't have the tackle to land" as one of my friends puts it.

I am just not able to be so detached.

You're not alone. I've met other people who have eventually become disenchanted with the "emotional void" one often finds in hard-core swingers. When you do meet somebody you feel a connection with, you then have to deal with the notion that they're pretty much fucking whoever they want, whenever they want. It's a game of numbers darlin', and the best strategy is to take lots of "applications" from people, then cull the heard early and often.