The Swingers Board - View Single Post

robel12550 · 11-03-2005, 03:47 PM

Dear SableOnBlond,

(Let me stipulate that I failed to read fully every posting on this subject and am only replying quickly on my impressions.)

For starters, 22 isn't that "young", but it is. Your chronological age shouldn't be a consideration. What should be is how you "feel" about everything you've experienced.

You mentioned that you might not be a "swinger", but from one of your statements, it seems that you have wanted to be all along. You stated that you've cheated on every boyfriend you've had (which isn't "swinging", by the way)! The only one you haven't cheated on is your current one, but you feel you "cheated" on him because you didn't do the act in front of him or with his prior permission (though he basically gave you carte blanche on that). Don't get hung up on labels. They'll be your downfall.

If you'd like a little advice from someone quite older, you're working too hard.

Basically, you sound like a woman who enjoys sex and sexual variety. You enjoy the freedom of being able to choose sex partners separate from people you have an emotional attachment to. But you also sound like you feel you should have some guilt because you feel that way.

Though no one on this board can truly give you advice since they don't have a first person knowledge of what is going on, in my humble opinion it seems you have actually a good relationship right now. Your boyfriend is someone you have emotional and sexual interest in. Your boyfriend's friend is only a sex partner to you since you can't imagine even "dating" someone like him, but he must have a great body or really know how to use it. It seems that you want to please yourself and are willing to please your boyfriend, to a degree. Him might wanting to "try" a bisexual situation might only be that. (Was it Freud who said something similar to "Sometimes a banana is only a banana" or whatever?) He might want to try it and determine that it isn't really for him. Or he might only want to "try" it in his mental fantasies without really putting it to a reality test. Whatever.

A big question I'd have for you is why do you think you should deny yourself what you enjoy (your boyfriend's friend or the other men you've had sex with when you were "cheating" on your other boyfriends)? As long as everyone understand who you go home to at the end of the day and you don't end up being Typhoid Mary, why can't you keep enjoying various sexual partners? You seem to be on the brink of making a major change to your basic philosophy on the subject which you might not be able to maintain long term, based on your previous track record. Wouldn't it be better to just have a very deep conversation with your boyfriend (and maybe his friend) laying everything on the table so you all can work on how to deal with this? It seems both you and he need to be more frank about where you feel this is going.

Your statement:
"Last night, at my urging, we had another threesome. And this time I felt everything I know I should have felt all along - the disgust, the horror, the sadness of it all. I know it will be the last time. And my relationship with my boyfriend may not last either, as our values truly are so different."

"Should have felt"??? Why do you feel that?

This is in direct conflict with what you originally stated:
"Months passed, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. My attraction to his friend only grew. Then last January, while the three of us were hanging out and partying, my boyfriend brought the idea up to me again, and at that point I was definetly ready. So I initiated it, and his friend was only too happy to go along. We had 3 threesomes in total. The sex really was as great as I thought it would be."

"The sex really was as great as I thought it would be." Unless your emotional feels toward your boyfriend's friend has changed to taint your appreciation of the physical aspects of the sex act, the sex should be fairly the same unless someone's "performance" was off that day.

It sounds very much like you initiated the threesome the last time to prove some "self fullfilling prophesy" that "I shouldn't be enjoying this". Was it that this time, unlike the first time which might have been before you heard your boyfriend might be interested in having same sex with his friend, you started envisioning the two men engaged with each other? Why was this time "disgusting" and the first time "great"?

Your statement:
"The thing is that even though I make loose promises, I would never in a million years have a MFF threesome. I know it is a HUGE double standard on my part, but I would be way too jealous. So I try to make it up to my boyfriend by watching porn with him. Usually it would bother me knowing a boyfriend of mine was looking at other naked women...but then I know I'm not exactly in a position to be so judgemental!"

This brings up another point. One thing you definitely SHOULD do is stop making "loose promises" or, as the song says, "Don't make promises you can't keep." That goes for so many things. Talk frankly about your feelings rather than leading anyone on. In your whole postings, that probably is the biggest problem in this whole "mess". (That's not in any way to say that you're doing anything "wrong", by the way.)

Another concern I feel when reading your messages is that you might be heading on a reoccurring situation of leaving probably very viable relationships (like your current boyfriend) because you feel someway that "you" might not be "good enough" or "not good enough" for them. (Again, I can't really say because everything here has been presented very one sided and we don't hear anything about what your boyfriend has to say.) There are relationships that shouldn't have happened in the first place and then there are many which should have taken a step back and worked on their problems rather than throwing their hands up and splitting. I'm not so sure as to which you're in right now.

My $0.002 is to have a very long talk with your boyfriend about all your feelings. You might find him very receptive to go over them. You also seem to need to do some self analysis to determine whether you really want to leave that "free spirited" woman behind and become something else. Personally, I wish there were many more free spirited women in the world so I wouldn't talk you out of being one. You might also want think about where "sex" really fits in your life. Do you enjoy it as a recreational event like watching a tennis match or do you wish to only enjoy it with someone you have an emotional tie to? There is a subculture known as "polyamory" where you can be accepted for having multiple emotional/sexual partners. You might want to consider that philosophy.

Finally, relationships shouldn't be "built" upon "sex". If you're thinking of splitting with your current boyfriend because of many other differences of "values", than it might indeed be a wise choice, but think very carefully about whether you really want to leave that "amazing man" over differences in "sex".

Best of luck to you. It looks like you have quite a bit of work ahead of you.

11-03-2005, 03:47 PM	#17 (permalink)
robel12550 Here to Stay Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 73 Location: Newburgh, NY Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:Robel12550	Re: Threesome Troubles Dear SableOnBlond, (Let me stipulate that I failed to read fully every posting on this subject and am only replying quickly on my impressions.) For starters, 22 isn't that "young", but it is. Your chronological age shouldn't be a consideration. What should be is how you "feel" about everything you've experienced. You mentioned that you might not be a "swinger", but from one of your statements, it seems that you have wanted to be all along. You stated that you've cheated on every boyfriend you've had (which isn't "swinging", by the way)! The only one you haven't cheated on is your current one, but you feel you "cheated" on him because you didn't do the act in front of him or with his prior permission (though he basically gave you carte blanche on that). Don't get hung up on labels. They'll be your downfall. If you'd like a little advice from someone quite older, you're working too hard. Basically, you sound like a woman who enjoys sex and sexual variety. You enjoy the freedom of being able to choose sex partners separate from people you have an emotional attachment to. But you also sound like you feel you should have some guilt because you feel that way. Though no one on this board can truly give you advice since they don't have a first person knowledge of what is going on, in my humble opinion it seems you have actually a good relationship right now. Your boyfriend is someone you have emotional and sexual interest in. Your boyfriend's friend is only a sex partner to you since you can't imagine even "dating" someone like him, but he must have a great body or really know how to use it. It seems that you want to please yourself and are willing to please your boyfriend, to a degree. Him might wanting to "try" a bisexual situation might only be that. (Was it Freud who said something similar to "Sometimes a banana is only a banana" or whatever?) He might want to try it and determine that it isn't really for him. Or he might only want to "try" it in his mental fantasies without really putting it to a reality test. Whatever. A big question I'd have for you is why do you think you should deny yourself what you enjoy (your boyfriend's friend or the other men you've had sex with when you were "cheating" on your other boyfriends)? As long as everyone understand who you go home to at the end of the day and you don't end up being Typhoid Mary, why can't you keep enjoying various sexual partners? You seem to be on the brink of making a major change to your basic philosophy on the subject which you might not be able to maintain long term, based on your previous track record. Wouldn't it be better to just have a very deep conversation with your boyfriend (and maybe his friend) laying everything on the table so you all can work on how to deal with this? It seems both you and he need to be more frank about where you feel this is going. Your statement: "Last night, at my urging, we had another threesome. And this time I felt everything I know I should have felt all along - the disgust, the horror, the sadness of it all. I know it will be the last time. And my relationship with my boyfriend may not last either, as our values truly are so different." "Should have felt"??? Why do you feel that? This is in direct conflict with what you originally stated: "Months passed, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. My attraction to his friend only grew. Then last January, while the three of us were hanging out and partying, my boyfriend brought the idea up to me again, and at that point I was definetly ready. So I initiated it, and his friend was only too happy to go along. We had 3 threesomes in total. The sex really was as great as I thought it would be." "The sex really was as great as I thought it would be." Unless your emotional feels toward your boyfriend's friend has changed to taint your appreciation of the physical aspects of the sex act, the sex should be fairly the same unless someone's "performance" was off that day. It sounds very much like you initiated the threesome the last time to prove some "self fullfilling prophesy" that "I shouldn't be enjoying this". Was it that this time, unlike the first time which might have been before you heard your boyfriend might be interested in having same sex with his friend, you started envisioning the two men engaged with each other? Why was this time "disgusting" and the first time "great"? Your statement: "The thing is that even though I make loose promises, I would never in a million years have a MFF threesome. I know it is a HUGE double standard on my part, but I would be way too jealous. So I try to make it up to my boyfriend by watching porn with him. Usually it would bother me knowing a boyfriend of mine was looking at other naked women...but then I know I'm not exactly in a position to be so judgemental!" This brings up another point. One thing you definitely SHOULD do is stop making "loose promises" or, as the song says, "Don't make promises you can't keep." That goes for so many things. Talk frankly about your feelings rather than leading anyone on. In your whole postings, that probably is the biggest problem in this whole "mess". (That's not in any way to say that you're doing anything "wrong", by the way.) Another concern I feel when reading your messages is that you might be heading on a reoccurring situation of leaving probably very viable relationships (like your current boyfriend) because you feel someway that "you" might not be "good enough" or "not good enough" for them. (Again, I can't really say because everything here has been presented very one sided and we don't hear anything about what your boyfriend has to say.) There are relationships that shouldn't have happened in the first place and then there are many which should have taken a step back and worked on their problems rather than throwing their hands up and splitting. I'm not so sure as to which you're in right now. My $0.002 is to have a very long talk with your boyfriend about all your feelings. You might find him very receptive to go over them. You also seem to need to do some self analysis to determine whether you really want to leave that "free spirited" woman behind and become something else. Personally, I wish there were many more free spirited women in the world so I wouldn't talk you out of being one. You might also want think about where "sex" really fits in your life. Do you enjoy it as a recreational event like watching a tennis match or do you wish to only enjoy it with someone you have an emotional tie to? There is a subculture known as "polyamory" where you can be accepted for having multiple emotional/sexual partners. You might want to consider that philosophy. Finally, relationships shouldn't be "built" upon "sex". If you're thinking of splitting with your current boyfriend because of many other differences of "values", than it might indeed be a wise choice, but think very carefully about whether you really want to leave that "amazing man" over differences in "sex". Best of luck to you. It looks like you have quite a bit of work ahead of you.