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Originally Posted by pacpl4funn Yes we've been in this for about 3 years, why aren't we further???? Well hey, we have jobs, families, responsibilities that come first, and to even meet someone can be time consuming. But regardless of all that, hubby and I both agreed that swinging would not take over our life. HE didn't want it to be an everyday or every weekend type of thing. HE said cause if it were, then it wouldn't be as exciting...His words. And I agreed, it's what he felt comfortable with. |
I think, when people were asking why you aren't "farther along" in that three year period, they meant more in your comfort level rather than quantity of play encounters. Of course, sometimes comfort is only gotten from repetitive play with partners ... sometimes it's gotten just by simply growing in your togetherness as a couple. So, from my perspective, I was wondering why you and your husband hadn't gotten more secure with each other to be more comfortable during playtime in those three years, not why you haven't had umpteen partners in that three years.
I totally understand not wanting swinging to take over your life. That's exactly how I feel. It seems like every single weekend, my hubby wants to do something that involves swinging. 90% of the time that's ok with me, but sometimes, I really like to do "normal" mainstream stuff. The problem is: kids, work, social obligations ... all those things that get in the way of being able to do everything you want to do in life. There are only (on average) 4 weekends in a month. Out of those weekends, we have our kids 2 weekends a month, leaving us only two weekends, or 4 party nights to do what we want. It is hard to pack in everything you want to do in such a short lifetime.
And certainly, our responses to you on this board were meant to help. Sometimes when we ask for advice, we don't always hear what we want to hear. Yes, we are sympathetic that you are hurting over a rule being broken. People post stuff like that all the time. It has happened, or will happen, to us all at one time or another. No one here has intentionally tried to be insensitive. But I think you have found that there are a great number of us that will simply tell it like it is, or how we see it. Of course, we don't know you and can only give advice on information we receive from you, so that's what we used to tender our responses.
The thing is first and foremost, how strong your marriage is to begin with ... how quick do you/hubby forgive other, non-related mistakes that you make in your marriage? Secondly, swinging is supposed to be fun, exciting, and empowering to our sexuality. All we have pretty much said here is that if you aren't having fun, if it is no longer exciting, if it is causing you pain and distress, and if you are feeling powerless, then it's not going to work for you.
Bottom line: You cannot fit a square peg into a round hole. Some people are simply not cut out to be swingers. That doesn't make one person better than another. It is what it is. For some people, jealousy is not an issue. For others, it is. There's no right or wrong in that, it is simply the way things are with different people.
My hubby and I have rules. There's nothing wrong with rules. No one is telling you to not have rules or to let them fall by the wayside whenever it is convenient for someone else, whether it is your hubby or your play partners, or yourself. What we are saying is that sometimes, over the course of time and continued encounters, our rules may evolve, diminish, reappear, disappear .... whatever ... dependent upon our comfort levels at various times. That's where two very important qualities come into play ... Respect and Communication. You HAVE to communicate with each other constantly ... much more than most mainstream married couples tend to do. And you have to respect one another enough to adhere to the rules you both set into play. Further, you have to respect one another and love one another enough that if a rule is inadvertently broken, or even intentionally at the time, that you apologize, step up to the plate, take the responsibility, TALK about it and move on. You cannot dwell on things that hurt at the time. You have to be in a marriage that is strong enough that you can honestly trust and believe in your partner that he/she would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.
When it becomes a contest, competition or a game of wills, then there is no respect in your marriage. When you start holding grudges and cannot accept apologies, there is no respect. When you can blatantly and casually break rules, there is no respect. First and foremost, there has to be respect.
All we are basically saying is that you have a choice. You can continue to harbor anger toward your husband, which will breed resentment and diminish your respect for him, and will ultimately wreck your marriage .... OR you can accept his apology, talk about swinging and whether or not you should really continue in this practice, and move on. That's really all there is to it.