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Originally Posted by pistol pete Why were you separated?
What did you do to mend the fences? |
Well, Pete, I am certainly not surprised at all that this question came from you, so please don't take my response as a personal "flame" at you.
My husband and I were separated for several reasons, but most of all disrespect that allowed many other factors to seep into our marriage. We treated each other's kids unfairly (we are a step family with no kids together), we treated each other with resentment, disdain and disrespect, and I CHEATED on him with a co-worker. These incidences took place after we got out of the lifestyle for a while, and in fact we had been out of it for about 6 months or so when my affair started. It didn't last long, it wasn't based on anything other than escaping my miserable home life and a cheap thrill, there was no longevity in the relationship and it ended after only a few months.
After it ended, my husband desperately wanted to forgive me, but we are BOTH VERY jealous people ... but we have perspective in the lifestyle, mind you. In mainstream life, we are brutally jealous, though. The reason being that CHEATING involves LIES, SNEAKING AROUND and finally COMPLETE AND TOTAL DISRESPECT. He had difficulty forgiving me, I was on the defensive all the time, we got into really loud fights, sometimes involving violence against each other.
I had had enough and I left. I moved out, got my own place and we were separated for 6 months. During the first 3 months, we rarely talked to one another, though he did attempt to take me out for Valentine's ... ended up in a bust because I was still harboring so much anger and resentment for the things in our life that had been so miserable that they opened the door for me to cheat, I was angry with him for saying he forgave me but not putting it into action, so after V-Day, we didn't speak at all for a couple months.
I guess during those months, my anger, frustration and resentment started to melt and we would occasionally talk on the phone. Asking advice for different situations, etc. Then one night, he showed up, totally unexpectedly at a club I was at with my aunt, which is over 100 miles from the town we live. I was stunned and ..... strangely happy.
I never stopped loving him, it was just buried under so much rage that I had to have the time to let it all subside. From that moment we started, slowly, seeing each other and talking about reconciling. Knowing that this time it would only work if we each maintained a very high level of RESPECT for one another and be completely HONEST with each other about everything, no matter how unpleasant those honest discussions may be. We each agreed that if our marriage was to survive, we HAD to put each other above all and work on our marriage in the same way a drowning person struggles to survive in a rising tide out at sea.
And that's how we have mended those fences. We still have disagreements, and we are both control freaks, so it is rough sometimes. But we always have to remember our agreement to never do anything to jeopardize each others' security or emotional well-being, never to lose respect for each other and to always be honest with each other.