We had the full scale work up this week - and while the entire process was painless (compared to the peace of mind in knowing that you are doing the right/safe things) it was a bit scary. The doctor who did all the tests was quite attractive and surprisingly (almost uncomfortably) flirty, especially when examining the little monkey...
Anyhoo, if you have never had it done, you should. And to get you mentally prepared, here is the run down...
We decided to go to the sexual health clinic rather than have to explain to our doctor why we wanted a full STD screen. In hindsight, I am glad we did. They deal with sexual health all the time, so they were very knowledgable and familiar with us swinger types. They said they knew we were because we came in as a couple and neither was pissed at the other
Anyway - we expected a nasty little clinic, but it is actually quite nice - which was quite nice...
My only complaint is, they have a sign sitting on the check in desk saying "men - do not urinate two hours before exam." Well - I drink over a gallon of water a day, so going two hours without peeing isn't going to happen. Besides - they DIDN'T have the sign on the bathroom door - which was just before the clinic entrance - so I ended up having to wait a little longer. So - HEAD'S UP, GUYS! Hold your water...
We walk up and the lady shows us the options and asks, "do you want a number 1 or a number 2?"
"Are we ordering Chinese food?" I ask...
She snickers and from that point on, we're buddies...
We take the number 1 because it is the full meal deal - and then we wait... And wait... And wait...
When we finally go in, I am already expecting sloppy, free clinic phlebotomy - and when a tough looking, deep accented Russian nurse walks in, my willy shrivels to nothing. I feel a taste of Gulag coming. As it turns out, she WAS very no-nonsense and straight forward, but the pain was nothing. I HATE needles and swoon when I see one, but for some reason I was actually able to watch her do her thing and I never flinched or felt a thing.
I think she was extra gentle though because I was flirting heavily (I do that when I'm nervous). "That's quite an accent," I said with a smile. "Are you from Texas?" She laughed and went into a speil during which I picked up the words "Russia", "Chicago" and, I think, "Pan Pizza". Other than that, I have no idea what we talked about...
Then she leaves to run my blood to the lab...
And I wait...
And wait...
And read sexual health pamphlets.
Did you know that what we really need to do is just never, ever have sex? That is pretty much the gist of everything put out by the board of sexual awareness. We need to learn to be content with massage.
Then doc comes in. She looks striking like the first woman I ever had sex with in the lifestyle - and is quite flirty. Yum!
And she was extremely nice. She asked a few questions:
"Sexual preference: Male, female or both?"
"FEMALE - I swear it!"
"Ever sell your body for money?"
"Why? You have a little disposable cash?"
Sheepish grin...
"No - but I do have kids - so I'm strongly considering it."
She laughs.
"Any symptoms?"
"No."
"So, what brings you in?"
"High risk lifestyle."
"Say no more... Drop your pants."
She swabs my throat - looks at my skin, which leads to a ten minute discussion of my tattoo, she's fascinated by it - then she fondles me (HER words, not mine!!!) - and uses two swabs on my johnson... This part was worse than the blood draw...
"Yes, that's fine. Looks nice. Hmmmm. Now you know why my husband doesn't want to hear about what I do all day."
It's just fun to have a nice doctor
Anyway, the doc comes in after more waiting and says:
"It's all negative - there are still some cultures to run (which we now know are negative as well!) - but if there were anything, we'd see an infection of some sort." She smiles. "Just keep doing whatever you are doing to stay safe, because it is working."
I walk out with a surprising spring in my step...
And what sucks is the entire next day at work I wanted to share my joy. "I'm STD free!!!" But, you just can't...
So - I share here...
And encourage everyone - if you haven't, or don't regularly - go grasp that peace of mind, for you and your playmates
Spoomonkey