Don't know if you'll be back MrClassic, but thought I'd respond (again) anyhow.
Glad to hear that your doctor isn't too big a an ass about this stuff. I guess he's maybe just suggesting to drop the issue more for the sake of simplicity than anything else.
I really understand you frustration. And I can understand your wife's frustration too. It sounds like you both had a bit of a breakthrough there, when you foudn out that she had been pretending for so long and keeping her fears to herself. It's just my personal opinion of course, but I feel that your wife was unfair to you. How can she expect honesty and fairness from you if she's not willing to be honest and fair herself? You can't withold such important feelings and knowledge from your partner and then hold his actions against him when his actions would clearly have benefitted by having shared them. She cannot hold this against you, claiming mental abuse.
I sure hope that the initial pain this discovery has caused doesn't deter either of you from pursuing a stronger relationship. It's been warned here before that developping a good relationship is not a painless process. Obviously, right?
So you can both either let the pain beat you, and allow it to corrode what's left of your feelings for one another, or you can re-evaluate your marriage in spite of these hurts, forgive one another and re-make your promises to not be dishonest, spiteful or hurtful toward one another again. In other words, I guess, learn from past mistakes. Take it to heart, and consciously fulfill that promise every day. If there's real love there, don't let this win over it.