That's a hell of a problem you've got there, MrClassic. Sounds to me like you've got a tough road ahead. If she's that wound up in her moral beliefs, she likely also believes that
questioning those very beliefs is, itself, a moral sin. Therein lies the problem.
If you ask me, she's got some pretty skewed ideas about what sex is and is not. Vaginal sex = 'real' sex (unless the penis only goes 1/2 way in :rollseyes ), but oral sex doesn't count? Why? Because you can't get pregnant?? It may be unlikely, but it is possible to contract an STD via oral sex with an infected partner if she has broken mucosal tissue in her mouth. Does she know this? What about anal sex? Does it count? It doesn't get you pregnant... What difference does the body cavity make, really?
Whether or not either of you chooses to swing (which I would NOT recommend anytime in the near future), clinging to this idea that true happiness can only be found through sexual "purity" (ie: monogamy) is going to bring nothing but a whole lot of feelings of inadequacy and perhaps feelings of unfairness. Actively choosing monogamy of one's free will is one thing - and many people prefer the simplicity of just that, living long, full, happy lives with only one another - but it's quite another to have monogamy dictated to one by social pressure or the traditions of one's religion. It leaves one feeling trapped and without choice. But there is a choice. That's maybe the most astonishing thing: there IS no trap but what you set for yourself.
It will be VERY interesting to see what your therapist has to say next week. Funny that time ran out just as you mentioned it. <EG> LOL My guess is that you will be outnumbered. It pisses me off to no end that 'reponsible' therapists and other mental health professionals would keep trying to cram these unruly aspects of ourselves back into the neat and tidy little boxes that make us such neat and tidy building blocks of society. Well, you know what? Some of us don't fit in those damn cramped little boxes, and life is too short to live by someone else's rules. God gave me a pretty good brain, and by God I'm gonna use it!
*sigh* Now that I've vented...
Pushing your wife will only be counterproductive. As will arguing if all you're doing is drawing her arguments out in the open just to shoot them down and leave her defenseless. That's the same as pressuring her. She won't like it at all. What you need to do is spend a little quiet time on your own and think things through. What is the most important thing to you? Are you willing to give up on this idea if it means your marriage? Because that's what it may come down to. Why do you want to do this? Is it for you or for her? Exactly why do you feel that this is okay to do? Why is it not wrong? You'll really need to be articulate about your feelings here. Do you feel that she is right that you are "mentally abusing" her? Why or why not? I'm just saying that the whole situation requires some deep thought on your part, and on hers too. But initially, you'll have to take the lead on this!
Write your thoughts down as though you're writing to Dear Abby. Tell your wife that you want to set aside some uninterrupted time to discuss your finding with her and then do it. She needs to know why you're asking her to do this. She needs to know how you really feel about her and how devoted you are to making her life more complete. There is no other way to do this than by baring the most vulnerable depths of your heart and soul. This part isn't about getting sex with other people, or seeing her with others. This isn't about sex at all. This is about intimacy.
I hope you are able to discuss these things with your wife. Perhaps suggest that she reads your post here and invite her to explore the board on her own. Her questions will be answered thoughtfully and thoroughly, and you can assure her that no one is here to pressure her to do it. Quite the opposite in fact. But the issues of morality, ethics and religion have been addressed to no end here, so she will find a huge variety of opinions on the matter. Hope this helps some.
BTW, maybe you should suggest that the Good Doc has a look at our little board. He might be surprised.