The Swingers Board - View Single Post - Considering swinging, but have other issues, where do we start?

intuition897 · 07-27-2005, 04:25 PM

Sounds like you're approaching swinging cautiously. Good for you!! I'm the same way as you are; as my signature line says Fear is the symptom, knowledge is the cure. When I'm freaked out about something, the first thing I do is Google it. At least then I know what I'm dealing with. Swinging is something that too many people take much too lightly. It can be light and fun, but it should definitely be respected as something that can wreak havoc on a relationship. Your concerns are valid. And BTW, there's NO need to apologize to anyone for being concerned about STDs, etc. While we consider ourselves a relatively low-risk and conscientious group, STD transmission - or rather the prevention thereof - is something that responsible swingers educate themselves about, and take precautions for.

Addressing your question about separating love and sex, and being able to watch your partner with someone else...
I think people use the word 'jealousy' as a catch-all term for whatever negative feelings they happen to have when they perceive a threat to their relationship. I don't like to do that. Instead, picture your partner in the throes of ecstasy with some other woman... How does it make you feel? And you can't say jealous. Use other words: angry, furious, enraged, vengeful, hurt, betrayed, confused, sad, scared, aroused, fascinated, amused, disgusted...etc. Maybe it's unpleasant, but do it anyway. You really need to get in touch with what you're feelings are and give them a name. And be sure that you've named them correctly. Then, once you've got your list of emotions, start picking apart exactly why you feel that way. It might be good to start with the emotion that comes through the strongest. They're all interlinked and cause each other to exist. So let's say it's fear. Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of? That he will forget about me; that he will compare me to her; that I will no longer be enough for him; that she will take him away from me. Work through your list and share your conclusions with your b/f. This is his opportunity to address your fears and concerns, so make sure you schedule some time for this talk and don't trivialize its importance.

I think the one thing that lingers most strongly is the idea that sex is the be-all-end-all of a marriage or relationship, and that if one person has sex outside of that relationship, the relationship is automatically voided. This sort of revolves around the 'rule' that you can't have your cake and eat it too. That being involved in a long term relationship requires a sacrifice. Namely sex. We swingers still make sacrifices, but instead of sacrificing sex - which we actually embrace as a vital and wonderful part of each other's personalities - we sacrifice our socially granted 'right' to demand sexual exclusivity of our partner as a condition of remaining in the relationship with him or her. Instead, we give him or her the opportunity to choose where they want to be; they don't have to leave the relationship just because they want to have sex with someone else. Sort of like setting free the proverbial wild creature into its natural environment (because caging it seems criminal), and if it returns to you it's yours. If it doesn't then it never was.

Bottom line is that separating love and sex is simply recognizing, and believing in your heart, that sex is not what glues your relationship together. Any other woman can offer him sex, just the same as you can. Damn good sex, too. Why does this bother you? Why did he choose you in the first place? Out of all the women he could be with - that also could offer him some pretty good sex - he chose you. Why? After you solve this riddle, you can watch your b/f bonk Pamela Anderson's brains out and enjoy the view. Some snot-nosed little bimbo with Playboy-perfect measurements could step up to you and challenge you to a fuck-off: winner gets your man. You could accept without blinking an eye and think three things: 1: Jeez, what a bitch...lol...she's not gonna like the way this turns out, 2: Woo-hoo for b/f!, and 3: I sure hope for b/f's sake that she's as good a lay as she boasts to be. The threat of sex no longer hover like an anvil over your head.

Anyhoo, I'll end my sermon here. We all wish you luck as you explore things here on the board and in your relationship. Hope I've helped a little.

07-27-2005, 04:25 PM	#9 (permalink)
intuition897 Canadian, eh? Join Date: Sep 2004 Posts: 2,613 Location: Kingston, ON Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:intuition897	Re: where to begin???? Sounds like you're approaching swinging cautiously. Good for you!! I'm the same way as you are; as my signature line says Fear is the symptom, knowledge is the cure. When I'm freaked out about something, the first thing I do is Google it. At least then I know what I'm dealing with. Swinging is something that too many people take much too lightly. It can be light and fun, but it should definitely be respected as something that can wreak havoc on a relationship. Your concerns are valid. And BTW, there's NO need to apologize to anyone for being concerned about STDs, etc. While we consider ourselves a relatively low-risk and conscientious group, STD transmission - or rather the prevention thereof - is something that responsible swingers educate themselves about, and take precautions for. Addressing your question about separating love and sex, and being able to watch your partner with someone else... I think people use the word 'jealousy' as a catch-all term for whatever negative feelings they happen to have when they perceive a threat to their relationship. I don't like to do that. Instead, picture your partner in the throes of ecstasy with some other woman... How does it make you feel? And you can't say jealous. Use other words: angry, furious, enraged, vengeful, hurt, betrayed, confused, sad, scared, aroused, fascinated, amused, disgusted...etc. Maybe it's unpleasant, but do it anyway. You really need to get in touch with what you're feelings are and give them a name. And be sure that you've named them correctly. Then, once you've got your list of emotions, start picking apart exactly why you feel that way. It might be good to start with the emotion that comes through the strongest. They're all interlinked and cause each other to exist. So let's say it's fear. Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of? That he will forget about me; that he will compare me to her; that I will no longer be enough for him; that she will take him away from me. Work through your list and share your conclusions with your b/f. This is his opportunity to address your fears and concerns, so make sure you schedule some time for this talk and don't trivialize its importance. I think the one thing that lingers most strongly is the idea that sex is the be-all-end-all of a marriage or relationship, and that if one person has sex outside of that relationship, the relationship is automatically voided. This sort of revolves around the 'rule' that you can't have your cake and eat it too. That being involved in a long term relationship requires a sacrifice. Namely sex. We swingers still make sacrifices, but instead of sacrificing sex - which we actually embrace as a vital and wonderful part of each other's personalities - we sacrifice our socially granted 'right' to demand sexual exclusivity of our partner as a condition of remaining in the relationship with him or her. Instead, we give him or her the opportunity to choose where they want to be; they don't have to leave the relationship just because they want to have sex with someone else. Sort of like setting free the proverbial wild creature into its natural environment (because caging it seems criminal), and if it returns to you it's yours. If it doesn't then it never was. Bottom line is that separating love and sex is simply recognizing, and believing in your heart, that sex is not what glues your relationship together. Any other woman can offer him sex, just the same as you can. Damn good sex, too. Why does this bother you? Why did he choose you in the first place? Out of all the women he could be with - that also could offer him some pretty good sex - he chose you. Why? After you solve this riddle, you can watch your b/f bonk Pamela Anderson's brains out and enjoy the view. Some snot-nosed little bimbo with Playboy-perfect measurements could step up to you and challenge you to a fuck-off: winner gets your man. You could accept without blinking an eye and think three things: 1: Jeez, what a bitch...lol...she's not gonna like the way this turns out, 2: Woo-hoo for b/f!, and 3: I sure hope for b/f's sake that she's as good a lay as she boasts to be. The threat of sex no longer hover like an anvil over your head. Anyhoo, I'll end my sermon here. We all wish you luck as you explore things here on the board and in your relationship. Hope I've helped a little. __________________ Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure.