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Originally Posted by JnCC Having been "the other guy" in another life, I'll add my .02 here... |
First of all, thank you for sharing your expereince.
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I think you're treading a very fine line with this person. You may not be "falling in love with him," but by your own admission, you're "falling in like." The fact that you and he are "chatting all the time through IM about all kinds of stuff, not just sex" tells me that your interest in him isn't just a sexual one, and that he's probably expressing some feelings of "like" to you in return. It may be an online flirtation for him, but it has the earmarks of becoming something more to you. Have you been sharing your feelings about this other man...and your chats with him...with your husband?
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I guess I wasn't clear enough here. My hubby and I both are chatting with him. We do like each other but as friends not anything more. Your warning is however warranted with some people and in some situations so thank you.
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Another thing is this "twinge of jealousy, or maybe it's possessiveness" that you feel about your friend being with other women on his upcoming trip. Are you worried that your friend will form an emotional attachment to another woman...an attachment you wish he was instead forming with you? If this guy is nothing more than a friend and an occasional fuck buddy to you and your husband, why not wish him "much success with the ladies" on his trip, and enjoy your weekend at home? If you can't do that, and genuinely mean it, I'd be concerned
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That's the thing, I do and did wish him luck this weekend and it is genuine. He has also told me about his feelings for his ex-GF, whom he is trying to get back together with. His GF is not into the lifestyle and if they get back together then our playtime would stop but we would still be friends, vanilla friends. I do not wish him to have an emotional attachment to me. I am happy for him and wish him the best with her. The twinge of jealousy is just that, a twinge.
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One of the basic precepts of swinging is that those who participate in it are, in essence, expected to enjoy having sex with other people without having any feelings or forming any emotional bonds with them. It's a behavioral model that most psychologists believe to be flawed, and which I believe to be the root cause of many of the problems couples encounter in swinging. Personally, I think that good sex leads to good friendships (and vice-versa) while great sex often leads to something more. I further believe that the difference between "friendship" and "something more" is often defined by the level of possessiveness one feels towards their lover. For example, it's my sincereest wish that my friends, both male and female, be laid often and well. But my lovers? I want them all to myself...
The line between "friend" and "lover" can be an extraordinarily difficult one to tread, especially for a single male. I don't know if this is a "serious issue" yet, but I feel it could become one, given a little encouragement from this guy.
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Again, I thank you for your thoughtful response. Very well said. I think it can help others that are in a more serious situation. It would never turn the corner into something more even with encouragement from him. That is for sure. My hubby feels comfortable with this guy because he treats me well and had become friends with him also. I'm not crying over his fun this weekend and have "fun" plans myself.
I know this was a momentary twinge from me and not something serious. I know myself well. If it was troublesome I would end the play with this guy immediately. I posted this quesiton more to hear others experiences and I thank you and everyone for sharing. I thought this might be something we all should think about, something I haven't heard on here before. So far you are the only one to address the serious side of this issue. These kinds of feelings, if more deep that mine, could casue serious problems in a relationship. I completely agree with you, there.