Welcome to the board hippiechick!
Reading your post was just like deja vu. I was about 5 years into my marriage when I had all of the same questions. Mr. intuition approached me, asking me to have a look at a website (adult friend finder) and wanted to know what I thought about it. To be honest, I was a little hurt. At the time, I felt much the same way you do. Things changed dramatically in the past 5 years (we've been married 11 years now), especially the past 2.
I'll try to answer a few of your questions, but ask anyone on the board and they'll tell you I tend to talk a lot.. lol So I shall
try to be concise. You're getting advice, here, from someone for whom swinging is a terrific fit. It doesn't work for everyone, but I'll try explaining my view of it.
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by hipppichick So why does he want this? He has agreed that watching sounds like fun. He doesn't pressure me at all, and says you must seperate love and sex for this, but if it is going to hurt me in anyway than there is no question in what he wants, me, because he loves me and wouldn't hurt me and no sex is worth his love(me). But it still stings a little...will he find someone better? Am I not enough anymore? Why does he want to have some one eles if I am? |
It sounds like your hubby is coming at this from the right angle: no pressure, he obviously loves you, and is willing to deny himself this pleasure to spare your feelings. That is all very good and necessary. He is not asking you to prostitute yourself in any way. He's not trying to put you in harm's way or belittle you. He's giving you the opportunity to take charge of your own sexuality... and hoping that you will eventually offer him the same. There is always a risk of losing your partner's to someone else, whether you swing or not. I say there's less risk in swinging than not, because when you swing, there
is no 'grass is greener on the other side'; hell, you're playing in the neighbour's yard! So he gets the benefit of finding out that grass is pretty much just grass wherever you go without having to hire a moving truck to find out. Then once that riddle is solved, we naturally start to think well, if I'm not staying with my spouse for the great sex, then what is it that
does keep me here with her/him? And that's the scary part I think. If you've based your marriage on how good the sex is - and nothing more - then you'll find that there are
many people out there who can offer just as much to your spouse as you can. Maybe more. What do you have to offer your spouse that no one else can?
He's right: you have to separate love and sex. This is not as horrible as it sounds. Separating the two does not mean that they are less for having been separated. Quite the opposite, in our experience. They are two different animals altogether, and can exist very positively independant of one another. Love can exist without sex; ask any couple whose sex lives have been affected by a handicap such as paraplegia (sp?). Likewise, sex can exist very happily without requiring deep committment. Your fears, I think, are based on the common idea that sex
is love, the idea that sexual attention (or lack of it) indicates how much one person loves another person. The fact is sex is a bodily function just like eating or sleeping. We use it as a powerful communication tool, but that is all. Making love to your husband or wife is the closest we can get to union of souls here on earth, but I'm guessing you don't have a deep emotional experience every time; sometimes it's just silly-sex! And what about masturbation? Are you communing with yourself? Nah, it just feels good. The body is stimulated, and it responds. There is a world of difference between having sex (with friends) and making love (to your spouse).
Sex is the method, [love, friendship, hatred, anger, pity, indifference, etc] is the message. You asked "Am I not enough anymore?" You are enough. But the human body is a highly sexual thing. It's rigged to respond to outside stimuli (thank God!) and that doesn't stop just because you love someone or because you have a ring on your hand. The fact that he can become aroused by other women (or men?) only means one thing: he's healthy. It may seem like you have a million and one questions right now, but once you get some of these basics sorted out, seeing him with another woman won't be a problem; it'll be a turn-on!
Swinging is at its best when you are both at your most vulnerable to one another. It is a gift you give with a generous and open heart, and a gift that should be graciously accepted. It is not something you ask for yourself, nor does anyone have the right to demand it. It should never be taken for granted. It is you and your spouse each saying, "I no longer want to own your sexuality. It is yours to do with what you wish. I want to see you enjoying your life, being happy. I will no longer demand all of your sexual attention as a requirement of my staying with you." Or in other words, "Here is my still-beating heart on a silver platter. Please, please, please don't hurt me." It's the most frightening thing we can give to another person. It's like letting something wild out of a cage because it doesn't belong there. And all you can do is pray that you've taken good enough care of it, and that it loves you enough that it will keep returning to you. It is a wonderful feeling to know that you do not need leashes and cages in your relationship, but that your spouse is given a choice every single day...and chooses to spend his/her life with you.
Read lots and lots of posts on getting started. Search for keywords like 'nervous', 'worried', and 'why we swing'. Check out the FAQ and archives, as well as the section for new swingers. Your questions are some of the most common and there have been plenty of threads on all of them. Over and over you will hear "communication, communication, communication". There is no such thing as a concern or emotion too trivial to be discussed with one another. Talk about everything,
especially if it's difficult to talk about! Be brave. Be honest.
Hmmm. So much for conciseness. :rollseyes