The Swingers Board - View Single Post - Why is it wrong to want friendship before sex?

***JustAskJulie*** · 07-10-2005, 09:10 PM

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be friends first, nothing at all. You will need to be patient (as will your husband) to find a couple where it works out that way.

In my experiences, the times it has happened that way were in situations where we did NOT meet the couple with the intent of (or through) swinging, so that may tell you something.

You have to do things at your comfort level and you should make that clear up front. As Alura said, sometimes you may feel more comfortable with someone earlier on, other times you may not. I know many couples that have a 3 date minimum before play (if not a 2 date), and it's not at all uncommon to find those who won't play on the first date.

You are also right in that it's not necessarily a poly relationship that you are looking for, they (swinging and poly) are two very different things although often confused. You don't want love, you just want to feel comfortable with and be attracted to whomever you choose to play with when/if that should happen, rather than feeling like it's all about the sex. Guys are often ready to jump in head first with much less worry of a connection than the women are, it's just something that happens.

If you can, get him to sit down with you and read the board together, it will help you both open up and talk about what you are comfortable and not comfortable with as well as what you want and are looking for and hopefully will help you come to an agreement on where the boundaries need to be drawn for you to both come out of this fulfilled.

07-10-2005, 09:10 PM	#4 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,293 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	Re: I am SO confused!!! There is nothing wrong with wanting to be friends first, nothing at all. You will need to be patient (as will your husband) to find a couple where it works out that way. In my experiences, the times it has happened that way were in situations where we did NOT meet the couple with the intent of (or through) swinging, so that may tell you something. You have to do things at your comfort level and you should make that clear up front. As Alura said, sometimes you may feel more comfortable with someone earlier on, other times you may not. I know many couples that have a 3 date minimum before play (if not a 2 date), and it's not at all uncommon to find those who won't play on the first date. You are also right in that it's not necessarily a poly relationship that you are looking for, they (swinging and poly) are two very different things although often confused. You don't want love, you just want to feel comfortable with and be attracted to whomever you choose to play with when/if that should happen, rather than feeling like it's all about the sex. Guys are often ready to jump in head first with much less worry of a connection than the women are, it's just something that happens. If you can, get him to sit down with you and read the board together, it will help you both open up and talk about what you are comfortable and not comfortable with as well as what you want and are looking for and hopefully will help you come to an agreement on where the boundaries need to be drawn for you to both come out of this fulfilled.