[dutch51]

This whole thread is very interesting, and similar to something we've been discussing a lot lately. We're probably nuts, but we want to be friends with our playmates and as a result sometimes run into difficulty. We like couples who are like us- married, with kids and the ones we get along with the best are actually a bit older than we are- we like to have things in common, shared interests, etc. That way we have something to talk about besides just sex, lol. Being physically attracted to a couple is easy, but we've learned that if that's the only thing we've got going with another couple, then any playtime with them leaves us feeling rather empty and disappointed. For us, we need to feel a connection on more than one level- it makes the sex better and lots more fun for everyone.

Now, that being said, we also don't want to be so close that we know their every deep dark secret. If they are having marital discord or money problems, we don't need details because that just makes everyone feel awkward. But we like to be able to do social things with another couple that may or may not lead to playtime later, and even going someplace fun where we can take kids is a welcome change when we can arrange it.

It can be a hard line to walk though- getting too close, knowing too much and the drama that can ensue. We feel for you northindycpl, because that's not an easy situation to be in. It seems like you made the right decision though, for everyone's sake. Once things get too difficult, sometimes you have no choice but to go your separate ways.

You did raise an interesting point with your question about conversation boundaries. We've not looked at it that way before, but that's not a bad idea. We've always tried to stay aware of emotional or physical boundaries, and the rest seemed to fall in line, but it just makes sense to have certain topics off-limits. We don't normally discuss money really, but religion and politics have come up as a normal course of exchange. Not as a debate, more like discussing news of the day. That hasn't been a problem; what we've run into has been when someone wants to share too much about their spouse or their personal history without involving their spouse first. We don't want to be told anything that your spouse doesn't already know about unless it's plans for a surprise birthday party, lol. We do not want to be dragged into another couple's marital dramas. It tends to make us want to run away as fast as we can.... and we have...


From northindycpl
Then you have the couples that start off as the couples above, but over time you find that you share a lot of similar interests. People you genuinely enjoy both in and out of the bedroom. That adds an extra level of friendship to your swinging. There is an extra level of mutual generosity, trust, compassion for each other that just doesn't exist with the other kind of swinging. And when that happens, even if (like in our case) the sex isn't the hottest you've ever had, it makes it the hottest because you have this extra je ne sais qua in the background.

That extra level develops into a bond of sorts. Then something goes astray and you are left with the loss. It takes a lot of time to develop that extra level, and as with anything else, your emotional attachment forms. I am not talking about a romantic or sexual attachment. I am talking about emotionally attached to them as friends. Just like you were emotionally attached to your best friend in highschool or college. Expect these are people that you have no pretenses with.

It is just different. The sexual chemistry felt, is different.

My underlying question is; can you have that different better sex with great friends, and not create and emotional bond? Is it just impossible to do?


We've wondered the same thing. We hope it's not impossible, but we understand it's going to take some more work. And we don't expect this with every couple we meet, but it seems to happen with certain ones, and those are the times that stick in our minds the most.

I guess we're in the same gray area you are in northindy, not really newbies, but don't consider ourselves pro's either (if there is such a thing, lol). Every new couple, situation is a learning experience and we've revised a lot of things along the way. It's been an interesting, enlightening year.

Well, this post is long enough, but we'll be looking forward to hearing others' thoughts and ideas. Just know that you are not alone northindy... (((hugs))) to you both!