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Originally Posted by Spoomonkey I think the "vanilla" world (and forgive me for using the term) really has a tough time seperating sex and love. I know that is cliche, but it is the truth.
If you don't mind me bringing out something from my "minister" background - it is the idea of "one flesh". Like it or not, a Christian ethos is deeply ingrained in American thought. The idea of the "two becoming one" is so limited in our thought.
As a youth pastor, once a year I was required to do an event called "True Love Waits". I really struggled with it because it basically left the kids with the thought that marriage=sex. I think those of us who are married - even if we are the few fortunate souls with incredible sex lives - would agree that marriage is so much more and the reality of "one flesh" is so much deeper than two people connecting at the groin.
I feel for people who are buffaloed by this. Not because I think that all people should be swingers - god forbid! But mostly because they have such a limited, tightly defined concept of marriage and love.
We do what we do because we can; we have this odd strength of relationship that allows us to not get wrapped and warped by jealousy, insecurity and suspicion.
It's not for everyone - but I sure wish more people would be as confident in their relationship as so many of us here are...
Spoomonkey |
Wow, Mr. Spoomonkey just hit on a lot of the same points that I believe very strongly. Yes, Western culture is deeply ingrained with the propaganda that love=sex=love. And another bad habit that has become not only accepted but ideal is the idea that "The two shall become one flesh". Trouble with that, I think, is that the whole point of marriage has been misinterpreted. Priorities have gotten screwed up along the way and suddenly it's a crime to expect anything more from a marriage than it being a sentence of some sort. Seriously! When two people get married it is not only acceptable, but
expected (!) that sacrifices must be made. Otherwise...well they must not love one another. It is expected that they must put put a piece of their sexual selves up on the marriage altar as a divine offering, as proof of how much they love their chosen partner. As if to say, "See? I love you so much, I would willingly give up even a part of myself. I would willingly kill off a part of my personality for you." As though this self-disrespect wasn't enough, this is not the worst part. The worst part is where the other spouse expects this sacrifice to be made and bases the depth of their partner's love on the premise of this sacrifice. Worse yet, society in general upholds and enforces this ridiculous conept! It's just so backward, it's mind-boggling.
I must say here that I have NO problem with couples choosing to remain monogamous, but I think it's silly to simply assume that it's the only way because it's the default marriage style. I just can't live with myself following the rest of the unthinking sheep. If monogamy is the best thing for one couple's marriage, that's great! but they'd better not assume it's best for everyone.
Mr. intuition and I are invited to a wedding which happens to be on the same date as our 11th anniversary. Undoubtedly, Mr. will be asked to say something at the reception. What do you say to this couple? We almost hate going to weddings anymore, because they are so steeped in these misleading fairy tales. We keep thinking how the cards are stacked against them, how they look so happy and have no idea what they're in for, how much work they have ahead of them. Maybe we're wrong. Maybe they're one of the lucky ones who have it all together and know exactly what they're doing. I really hope this is the case. I'm just skeptical.
I think that the very best marriages are the ones, not where "The two shall become none", where both people lose their identities and individualities, thereby becoming less for having come together, but by truly melding together their best aspects, where one person's strengths bolster the other's weak points. And I really believe that these vows that they speak at the altar are not meant to be held against each other in rough times, but they are a public declaration of each others' intentions to love (
verb), honour, care for, protect and nuture one another. Cherish each other. And the only expectation should be that this
gift not be taken for granted, but respected for its sheer magnitude. It should be a gift, not a right.
Ok, anyone else need the soapbox?