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Originally Posted by mde 4764
You agreed to have this woman come over and play with you and your husband and said that you all had a blast. Joking or not, you did give them permission to fuck after you went to sleep. Now, because they did, you get pissed at your husband and it's his fault because you feel the way you do. If the shoe was on the other foot, would your husband be pissed if you had been fucking while he was asleep?
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We may be in the minority here, but I can't agree with the idea that making a comment like she did is the same as giving permission. Now the hubby may have taken it that way, and he and the other woman obviously did, but nothing short of Mrs Adventure saying "look, it's okay with me if you two want to have sex later even if I'm asleep," is giving permission. Doesn't look like she did that at all.
I see a big respect issue here that needs to be addressed. Unless directly given permission for (which it wasn't), having sex in the bed beside a sleeping wife was a disrespectful thing for the two of them to do. If I was the third person, you'd better believe I would *never* do a thing like that, and would not want it done to me. Swinging is about mutual involvement and pleasure between all persons and to exclude one is not respectful. It doesn't matter what was done in the past, that evening or before, it's being respectful in the moment and not letting your groin rule your head. Let's remember the Mrs. was still recovering from the flu and when you've been sick like that, you're probably not feeling your best anyway.
People have mentioned the "shoe on the other foot" thing, but have left out one VERY important thing- personal comfort levels. Whether Mr Adventure would be okay if the reverse happened has nothing to do with what Mrs actually feels in her heart. We can all be fair and unselfish to each other, and allow our spouse to have the same freedoms and opportunities we have, but it doesn't mean we're going to automatically be equally comfortable or feel the same about it. That's something we all have to grow into. So to imply that if he was okay with it happening, then she should be too is wrong and unfair.
I don't have much to add to previous comments about the red flags seen earlier in the friendship, because that seems to be well-covered. It looks like Mrs has taken responsibility for what's happened previously, which is why she's beating herself up and feeling bad. We all make mistakes, goodness know's we've make plenty when dealing with couples, but swinging, no matter how long you've been doing it, is a constantly learning experience. New things crop up, and no matter how much you discuss beforehand, things happen. The key is to address them and learn from them. Now it is time to discuss, heal, forgive and move on.
We wish you luck, the both of you, and hope that in time things are resolved and your closeness is renewed. There is no need to place blame now, but to deal with the resulting feelings and work through things together.
Sending lots of hugs to the both of you....