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I am asking myself if the so called "friendship" with this couple is more important to my boyfriend than our relationship and respect for me.
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This is the question you need to ask your boyfriend.
You are right this isn't HS and it can't be about fitting in. It has to be about doing what is best for you as a couple.
Unfortunately, I see this all too often with those who are new to swinging. We see it here on this board with people asking "is this normal?" when whether or not it's normal really doesn't matter because it's obviously something that is making them uncomfortable. Too often newbies just "go with the flow" in order to not make waves and to fit in, thinking "well, everyone else must be doing it so I guess I should too". You just can't do that.
You have to sit down and have a very long talk with you guy and ask him the above question. It may come down to finding a different club to go to in order to avoid this woman, and blocking her emails. And in the future, you may choose to be a little more selective about who you give out your contact info to.