Mrs. here. I agree with the advice of VegasLee. We have been the lifestyle for a couple of years, but only partying a few times. I also have difficulty expressing my desires, mostly because I don't know exactly what they are until I'm in the situation. Each encounter is unique and to try to predetermine what will happen just does not work. It has taken my husband a little time to deal with my lack of planning, but he is learning to just go with the flow. Let the woman lead and let her take her own time. I think it is more important to communicate what happened and how you felt afterwards than to try to script something out beforehand. Women are complex creatures, and it is hard for us to know how we will feel until we feel it. Relax, and go with the flow. Remember to enjoy the journey and not worry about the destination.
Mr RND here. I hate to jump on the bandwagon this way Mr Eyes, but it sure seems that bigger issues may reside within you, and not your Mrs. Acceptance of your baby is critical, and if you are seeking to venture into this thing we call The Lifestyle, I can assure you that she needs to know you love, support and accept her unconditionally....just the way she is. She may never come to "talk" in or outside of the bedroom to your satisfaction, and perhaps all you can do to satisfy your need to have her let you know where she is at or how she feels is simply tell her how much you love her, how much she means to you, and let her know in an unpressured way that knowing what she is thinking is an important need for you.
Now to a deeper issue perhaps worthy of exploration for you guys. Mr. Eyes, it seems pretty clear by your post that you spend a lot of time in your head, trying to figure it all out. Reading, posting, exploring and discussing is valuable, and it can be said that many couples in the lifestyle do not spend enough time researching what they are getting into by bringing swinging into their lives before they just jump in and try to learn by the "sink or swim" method. That being said, there does come a point where you can overthink this stuff, and perhaps you should just trust that things will work out okay and step into the space with no preconceptions of what it's "supposed to look or be like."
Lastly, you might want to think about why you have this "need" to have your wife verbalize the details of her thoughts about swinging before you do anything. Perhaps you will find that this "need" of yours is really about your own insecurities about the whole swinging thing. You mentioned that "she can't handle the thought of me being pleasured by another woman." This statement sounds a bit speculative and might not be giving her credit for how she really might feel when it does happen. Additionally, maybe its more a statement about YOU, than her? If there is something you guys should talk about, maybe you should talk about that.
Mrs. here again. Remember, that there is no "right" way of doing this. Only what is right for each individual and each couple.