We are having a communication issue and need the advice of experienced people. The problem is that both of us want to go forward with our plan to have our first swinging experience, an MFM, but I am not able to understand how she feels about it. Aside from partial nudity and oral sex with each other only at a swing club we haven't done anything yet.
I have had the fantasy of a soft or full MFM for as long as I can remember but never took any steps to fulfil the fantasy, related to relationship issues with a former SO. I have since found my soulmate and we are very happily married. I had told her early on about my fantasy, but never stated that I actually wanted to do it, and it wasn't discussed. I had jealousy issues and felt it was better to keep it mental. But sometimes during lovemaking I would vocalize my fantasy and describe it to her in detail, as if in real time. Mrs. Eyes wasn't turned off, I think she enjoyed it, but I couldn't tell. I didn't ever suggest that we move forward. I was willing to let it go b/c I didn't want her to feel pressured to participate in something if she didn't want to. And since I wasn't sure of how I felt it wasn't brought up, and that was OK.
Well, I must have planted a seed b/c about a year ago Mrs. Eyes spent about a week cruising swinger web sites. Not as a voyeur, but doing research. "What is this lifestyle all about?" was her focus. She didn't just look at MFM questions, but ALL of it, including stuff we hadn't talked about, like swapping partners and girl-girl. That overwhelmed her at the time, she can't handle the thought of me being pleasured by another woman. ((That's fine with me! It makes me feel special) She got the idea that swinging was an "all or nothing" lifestyle and she couldn't go there. After a lot of talking over the next 7 months we found where we wanted the boundries to be so that we could both be comfortable with what we wanted. (for reference, see our profile on Swing Lifestyle.
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So here's the thing that has bogged me down. After we made the decision to go ahead I expected her to get "juiced" about it all and in my mind we would talk racily about it and plan it while we made love, or as a prelude to hot pig sex. It was a big mental turn-on to me. She didn't react that way. Sometimes it seemed to me she had intellectualized the experience too much, that it was a more clinical discussion, like making vacation plans.
We can't go clubbing often, all the decent ones are very far away, but we were still wanting to move and not wait for months so we signed up on Swing Lifestyle as Eyesonus. We have an extensive profile there, and isn't Baby a beautiful woman! Needless to say we got a lot of inquiries quickly. That in itself was a learning experience! We have corresponded with a likely target
and after exchanging pics and emails we will be meeting him this week.
Despite the advanced stage of planning I still don't know what she wants from this experience. I'm not talking about spiritual stuff, I mean what physical acts does she want to do on him, me, both, and her. When I have asked her to describe what she wants two hot horny guys who are there for her pleasure to do to or for her she can't find any words. She says she just can't say what she wants, she can only go into the experience with an open mind and then see how she feels. I want her to be more verbal so I can get some idea of what to do when we get to the nitty-gritty. I want her to have a great experience but not knowing anything she wants makes it hard to plan what to do. Maybe I want to plan too much...is that wrong? Should I go into the hotel room with no idea of what to make or let happen and just go with the flow? Not turning loose, we have our agreed upon boundries. But within those boundries I'm clueless. I'm afraid that her reticence and inability to articulate her desires is not a good sign. Am I reading too much into this? It has caused us to slow to a crawl. It probably won't stop us, but I would like it to be resolved, just for my own comfort.
Mrs. here. I wanted to say that I have never been able to be very verbal during sex or about it, other than in a more joking way. I think his bottom line is that I am not and have never really satisfied that desire in him (lots of talking during sex) and that is really dampening this experience for him. I don't know why this is the ONLY area that I can't talk up a storm about
, but it is. Maybe because this is the area where, over my lifetime, I have experienced the most insecurities. I've asked him to just accept that I'm working on that aspect, but it will take time and not take it as a bad sign. I mean, it's like I said, it's not like I've always been verbal about my sexual desires until now. I never have. If anyone has thoughts to share it would be greatly appriciated.
Mr. here. I WOULD like her to be more verbal, it is a real turn-on for me, but I don't think this is all about my desire for her to be verbal. I want to know that she knows what she wants, AND to be able to verbalize it.
We appreciate any input anyone has on this. Eyesonus.