[curious24]

Originally Posted by Vespertine

I don't think that's a good idea either.
If ya'll have mutual friends and you try to use them to gain information from her it could make an uncomfortable situation even more uncomfortable for the both of you--and possibly make your friends uncomfortable. It may even make people feel compelled to "choose sides".

I think it might freak her out more. She might feel like you're always going to be "lurking" in the background waiting for her to make a move. I know it will be hard but you're going to have to keep the lunch conversation superfiicial.

Well I haven’t talked to any of her friends and none of my friends are talking to her or any of them because of exactly this. The last thing I want to be is a “lurker” ugh. That’s almost as bad as a stalker :lol

This is why you can't bring up any intimate conversation with her at lunch. She is probably ignoring you because she feels that she may lead you on if she gives you attention. If she feels you're not constantly seeking her affection she'll probably be able to resume the friendship ya'll had before.

stoutgatte said it well..

Most women struggle with this idea, but when a guy is in love with a girl (as curious24 obviously is) he needs physical intimacy to be comfortable with the situation. If he isn't getting it, he is constantly on the lookout for others who are a threat to him getting intimate with the girl. At the same time he is always looking out for ways to get closer to the girl in question. Not exactly a situation to promote friendship on any level...

Do you associate with the same group of friends? If they are friends that you've met through her it might be wise not to hang out for awhile and back away.
If it is a mutual group of friends then you're going to have to concentrate just on your friends and not on her. It may be akward for awhile but eventually if things are handled correctly you'll probably resume your old friendship with her.

I met her through the friends we both know. I knew all her friends way before her. I’m still backing away from them all because usually when I’m hanging out with them she’ll call them to see what’s going on and try to plan something. I get a little irritated and I feel a little embarrassed when that happens because she never calls me to join them. That just doesn’t feel good… er…

Nope. Don't tell her. You're leaning towards "No" because you know (deep down) you shouldn't tell her. Listen to your gut!

Exactly, that is what my gut is telling me. But that’s not who I really am. Should I not be who I am to her anymore? I’m thinking not. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not going to say anything intimate and I hope I don’t come off desperate but I have a rough idea of what I’m going to say. I’ll post it below to get your reactions. At the same time I am entertaining the idea of keeping this all superficial like you said b/c I think I might get her back that way. But I’m not a superficial person. I usually say what’s on my mind and I try to be tactful about it because if I don’t it just eats away at me and IMO that’s just not healthy.

Does she still call you? It sounds like she's giving you mixed signals. *frown*
If you're not close to the group of friends she's inviting you out with- then don't go. Don't put yourself through anymore mixed signals. If she calls you to go out to lunch or coffee- I'd decline as well (at least a few times).

Yes she does… but sometimes I can handle the calls and sometimes I can’t. Therefore, she asks me if I’m mad at her, which I’m not, but at the same time I might be a little short with her. Really though what does she expect she freak’n broke up with me! Lol. But I’m definitely not going out with her and a group of friends again. I can’t handle that at all. I’ll probably go to lunch with her the first couple of times but then on and off from then on. I don’t want her to think that I don’t want to see or talk to her.

Don't try to get your message through. Just talk about other things....work, school, hobbies. Superficial conversation.

I’m at a maybe with this one. But definitely I’m going to talk about superficial things once I get things off my chest. If I even get that far.

If you can't mask your feelings you're going to have to cut off ALL contact.
If the group that ya'll hang out with are not close friends of yours it would be wise to keep your distance. Don't torture yourself.

This is exactly what I usually do. The thing is that finding someone of her caliber is very rare for me. After my first serious relationship I figured out what it was I wanted. None of those qualities where in my first relationship. To tell you the truth this is the first girl that I have ever met that what it seems to be all the things I’m looking for in a person. That scares me.. and I know it scares her too, hence part of the reason why she is pulling away. In the past 5 years that I have been single and knowing what I want in a person and a relationship she fits the bill almost to the “T” so far so it’s like I don’t want to just cut and run now that she wants to be “friends” but at the same time that is what my gut is telling me to do. “there are more fish in the sea” people tell me. That is true but 99% of those fish suck and finding that 1% is like swingers trying to find that nice single guy or that all elusive sane single bi female.. heh

Anyway, here’s what I’m thinking about telling her when I have coffee with her. This is 100% who I am and not superficial at all.

I'm going to preface the conversation with when we started out we both said we didn't play by the typical rules, hence the reason why I am going to tell her how I feel. Because of that it's actually got us to the point where we are now. Also, because of it it might be the cause of us not even continuing as friends. I don't want to look desperate mainly because I'm not (hell I have been single for 5 years because I'm seriously picky about who I choose to be with) but I want to let her know how I am feeling. I don't want to be "lurking" in the background waiting and I also don't want her to feel like she's leading me on if she gives me attention. But I have no idea where we might have the capability of going, but I had been feeling very positive in that regards and had been looking forward to seeing where it could have gone (I don’t think I should use the word relationship considering the level of commitment that suggests especially considering that’s what she is so afraid of). (I wouldn't say anything about her previous relationship, as she is adamant that she is over it when clearly she isn't so I'm going to stay far away from it). But perhaps I had been incorrect in thinking she viewed it the same way - but I don't believe so (especially considering what she had told me several times i.e. I told her that I always felt that I would do or say something to have her stop liking me but she kept telling me that I could never do that among other things she would say). Also, that I think she too is interested in what COULD transpire considering how she told me that everything was telling her to give ‘us’ a shot, it was just her ‘gut’ telling her she was not prepared to take the journey at this time. I am going through the same tug of war and therefore I am going to take a step back and continue leading my day to day life in the manner most pleasing to me without the thought of her and the possibilities being a portion of my day. Not to say, I don't think the possibilities exist -- just recognizing that the timing to pursue them isn't right now. I will even begin over time to view it as a missed opportunity, maybe.

I will continue being myself as I always have been and if at some point in the future we want to give it a shot again I would hope that she will feel comfortable enough to let me know that. I'm not going to assume anything without specific words from her because 'hints' are impossible to read and can be misread all the time. And finally she should not leap to any conclusions about my feelings or thoughts without discussing them with me.

(end of what I would say)

I don't know how many of you have seen the movie High Fidelity but I thought this quote fit my situation well.

"So what am I going to do now? Just keep jumping from rock to rock for the rest of my life until there aren't any rocks left? Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? I've been thinking with my gut since I was fourteen years old and frankly speaking I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."

--John Cusack - High Fidelity

Anyway, for some reason I’m all about finding the middle of the road on things. Maybe I should start a new political movement! Lol

Thanks again for all your great advice! I really do appreciate it!