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Originally Posted by LadyCleo Hmmm...let's explore this a bit more...
Are you wanting to veto because of your own insecurity?
If so, I think that is a bit unfair.
How would you feel if you got a chance to "score" with the hottest chick (besides your wife) and she said no because the chick was hot?
You might not be too happy about that, right?
I understand you always wanting to be top dog, but baby, you are.
YOU are the one she comes home with. YOU are the one she loves.
YOU are the one she would quit the lifestyle for in a heartbeat if you asked.
If you are wanting to veto because there is something creepy that you cannot quite put your finger on, then yes, I think that is an appropriate use of the "veto" card. |
I'm glad you asked the question, and that you asked it in as detailed a fashion, LadyCleo. Because I specifically did NOT mean over insecurity. I initially was going to put "...because he's TOO hot..." in my examples of what "people" might find offensive about the other person, but I edited it out because I didn't want assumptions made that that was really the question behind my question. Because it wasn't.
Hell, I've said before, when we take the plunge (and when we did in the past), I want my wife to be with the hottest guy she can be with--or who she finds hottest, on whatever basis (looks, personality, sexual ability--all of it!). And we are 100% secure in our relationship--or else we wouldn't be here--so that's not an issue anyway. But the question was obviously a valid and perhaps obvious one.
Going back to the little "What about them?" game my wife and I play when we're out alone (which is rare, since we have young children!), she'll sometimes say "yes" about a guy who just bugs me for some reason. It could be anything. And it's usually something trivial. Maybe he has bad hair. Maybe he's a horrible dresser. Maybe he has an obnoxious laugh. Maybe he likes bad '80s hair metal. You name it. But if I view whatever trait that annoys me as a little ID card for his personality, and it's enough to bug me, I'd be inclined to say something to her.
My whole point in asking was, if we went ahead and played with someone like that, and I had thoughts afterwards like, "Ew, she was with THAT GUY," that would be hard for me to deal with. After all, she's my wife, not just somebody I screw recreationally. Anything that might make me feel alienated from her, like "following" a guy who I thought was gross, sends up a big old red flag in my mind.
Yet, if we set out to swing together, and I nix a guy she finds attractive for some hangup I have over him, that seems selfish and unfair. It seems she ought to be able to be with whomever she wants to be with, assuming the person is clean, healthy and safe. I don't think I should be calling the shots for her otherwise. After all, it's not just MY fantasy, it's OUR fantasy, and last I checked, she had free will.
Please understand that this is NOT a major issue with us. It's more of an amusement. When we play our game, it's like, "
That person? Really, you would?" But not knowing how I (or she) would feel afterwards if either of us was with someone who bothered the other person, I felt it was worth asking.
Blah, blah, blah. I really do value everyone's posts. I didn't expect this much of a response, and I find it interesting and enlightening. Thanks!