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Attraction/chemistry and its importance

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Ok short story, this is my first post. Lol

 

Seeking any advice...I (female) had first MFM with my husband (18 years) and a respectful guy (a fun time, but not a top ten) who aided in breaking me into the territory of MFM lol so after this experience, I went on a search for another single guy for an even better experience. What advice can u give about the attraction piece? I found another great guy but the sexual attraction is not there and I'm trying to figure out if the guy meets all other criteria in my head do I just look past this? Ladies how important is attraction/chemistry in the experience?

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I dont have advice for you but need advice from you. I want to have a FMF with my man. How did you find the other man for yours? I want to do the choosing of the girl and i want to be attracted to her so do i start to look for her.

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Attraction is subjective, but if it's important to you, don't compromise your standards:)

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The quick and dirty advice: look for another male that is respectful but also has sexual attraction for you. It is a lot easier to find another male for MFM. Chances are good that if you play with someone you're not sexually attracted to, it won't be much fun.

 

newtothisthing, it's a lot easier to find another male to join in sexy playtime than another female. And if you are specifically looking for a single female to join in your FMF or FFM, it will be harder due to their supply/availability. You could be waiting a long time or you could get lucky. Single males are plentiful in the LS, single females aren't...which is why they are called "unicorns".

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Maui - honestly before my husband started talking about fantasies and having these experiences I really didn't allow myself to think that way (said better I was very conservative and grew up that way) so here we are years later and I don't think it is any one thing specifically but tall, broad shoulder, confident, are words I would use to describe attraction. It tends to be a magnetism. Does that even make sense?

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New to this thing- first two experiences we found a guy on SLS then I ventured out and this second guy we found on Craigslist but I am considering going back to SLS as with Craigslist you will have to weed through a VAST amount of "crazy".

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Sun bucks-thanks for the quick and dirty and I agree with you. The guy from my first experience was just that and not a whole lot of attraction and granted it was a fun experience but I was hoping to top it with a great one. Lol. Hence the attraction/chemistry piece.

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Let me say that I am not looking at the guy's "looks" per say but more for the click that says I want to have sex with this guy.

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Here is a question: is there a difference between what you find attractive in a man for a long term relationship and what you find attractive in someone you fantasize about fucking? In other words, are there physical and social aspects that make you want to fuck a guy that are different from social, personality, or interpersonal traits that make you love someone?

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Slevin- yes there is a difference and I did figure this out along this journey. So now I'm just trying to find the guy to have sex with not a relationship. So in doing this I'm looking for that "click" the one that says I want to fuck him.

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Maui- honestly before my husband started talking about fantasies and having these experiences I really didn't allow myself to think that way (said better I was very conservative and grew up that way) so here we are years later and I don't think it is any one thing specifically but tall, broad shoulder, confident, are words I would use to describe attraction. It tends to be a magnetism. Does that even make sense?

 

Of course it makes sense and there's no reason you shouldn't hold out for what attracts you.

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Slevin - yes I'm just looking for that initial "click" that says I want to just fuck this guy. I'm not looking for relationship aspects which would be confidence, personality, looks all in one. Does that answer your question?

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I agree with Maui. You are worth holding out for what you want, I'd suggest that you do that and although the wait may be longer you will enjoy it more when your needs are met.

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I have two comments.

 

1. One of the reasons we prefer going to socials is the ability to talk face to face with people. There have been couples that our initial response from profiles and chats was luke warm and we decided to pass. Others we thought were very much yes we would like to have some fun with them. In some of those cases when we met in social environment and were able to spend some time and talk we reversed out position. Someones "sexiness" and the chemistry between everyone is difficult to gauge online, sometimes even in an initial meeting. Someone you are complacent about can turn out to be very sexy based on their personality (which can take some time to appreciate), attitude, voice etc. Some seemingly very sexy people can also turn out to be a real let down once you meet them in person. So try going to some socials and meeting some folks, see what happens.

 

2. You basically already addressed this but I thought I would say it anyway and maybe give you some food for thought. When we started swinging I was not looking for a relationship or anything near it, just someone I thought I could have some sexual fun with. It took me a while to realize it but subconsciously I was using the same yard stick I had when I was looking for a relationship and I would let little thing turn me off. It has been so long now I am not sure what made me realize it, probably my wife, she has a way of reading me. But it dawned on me that I was looking for someone with the same mindset I had when I was dating/looking for a relationship, even though that was the furthest thing from my mind. It was like I was looking for the perfect match, Mrs. Right. But I had already found Mrs. Right and NO ONE was going to live up to that measuring stick. Not to be crass but I was looking for Mrs. Right NOW. More like a having an acquaintance that you enjoyed being around but did not let some of their less than perfect traits turn me off. Let's face it, there are exceeding few people we mesh with on that level. I went back and reviewed what made me pass on some women, for some I realized it was very silly reason from a swinging perspective. That sounds like I was lowering my standards, but it is not the case. But it is a different standard by a very long shot. There are still thing I look for, but the little things that disqualify are much fewer.

 

Why I decided to write this is because I knew I was not looking for a mate, but somewhere in the back of my mind I was still making decisions as if I where. That realization made a huge difference and I have been much more able to find people I enjoy being with, much like making friends. It has made all the difference.

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I'd second the idea of going to socials, clubs or meet and greets where you can meet a variety of people in person and determine attraction by interacting with them.

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Someone mentioned what people are looking for in a relationship. I am certain that this plays a part in my struggle to feel a spark with someone else.

 

I wasn't actively looking for a relationship when I met my husband. I had a lack of zest for the whole dating concept. The first time I spoke to my husband, I knew he was the one. We became friends and progressed to admitting feelings.

 

For these other experiences, I find myself drawn to the energy of the atmosphere. The men that I am finding myself interested in experiencing are assertive men with personalities that create the mood.

 

I think we all have our own way of approaching all this. You have to find out what yours is.

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I found another great guy but the sexual attraction is not there and I'm trying to figure out if the guy meets all other criteria in my head do I just look past this? Ladies how important is attraction/chemistry in the experience?

 

 

Nope. Keep looking and find another guy. This is about sex not about some sort of friendship, so sexual attraction is key.

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Another thing that was important for me to distinguish was the difference between "attraction" and "arousal". For me things have changed over time, but I'd much rather have a guy who is friendly, respectful of my hubby and I, and can fuck like a champ -- than someone who's "picture perfect".

 

Hope this helps :)

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... I'd much rather have a guy who is friendly, respectful of my hubby and I, and can fuck like a champ -- than someone who's "picture perfect".

 

Hope this helps :)

 

Respect goes a LONG way. We experienced a very kind and respectful guy recently, he was someone who I would have never imagined based on looks alone that my wife would be into but his vibe was great (he wasn't ugly or anything, just nowhere near her "type"). He didn't even make a move on my wife we just came to him, we could tell he was interested because he was definitely looking at her all night and in our interactions was very attentive but we were the aggressors (if you know what I mean, lol) on the same night we had a full swap go down I'm flames because the other husband wasn't showing respect. Instant buzz kill, game over.

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The guy has to do the things that I enjoy and make me have a mind blowing orgasm one on one before I would want to add him as a third. Looks and techniques are very important to me.

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