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  1. Back To Top | #1

    Default Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Were so new we don't even know where to start.

    Quick background…..

    Last year, wife comes to me about a guy she has been "getting to know" online. They just swapped pictures. Find out they have talked for over a year and got feelings for each other. She tells me about it and the LS of polyamory. I say ok, research it and joined this site under the name Scvette01. I left for work training at the beginning of this year, and the LS was put on pause.

    I returned this past June and after things have settled down we started talking about it again. This time the discussions have gotten deeper, more intimate and revealing. I basically told her, that I would like to have her in a MFM and she told me that she doesn't have a problem me being with another female, either a FFM or my her not present at all.

    So here we are, new to the scene, have NO friends that are into this LS, and have no clue on where to go to meet like minded people.

    Now granted we are going to be nervous at any 1st get together, even if we just start with same room sex. But whats is the best way to start and not be overwhelmed right away.

    There are 2 locally know adult couple clubs, not in the best area, that always have things going on. Are those safe for newbies, I don't really want to walk into a orgy of some sort.

    Also, finding a single female for our date night, is that even possible? My wife isn't Bi, but has kissed a gf of hers( both intoxicated) and has mentioned bi curious play if she had a couple of drinks first to ease her nerves.

    So much has come open in the past few weeks its very overwhelming but also a turn out at the same time. Our sex life has jumped big time since all this as come out.

    Thanks for listening

    forgot to mention, we are on Swing Lifestyle as Aladyandhim

  2. Back To Top | #2
    Better than Ice Cream two4youinswva's Avatar
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    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Welcome back.

    You have a ad site profile up, which is a great start.
    As for the clubs. Generally speaking, they are often in "not the best area", or industrial use areas, due to zoning issues. Also generally speaking, you're not likely to walk in on an orgy when you get to the club. Not saying that one can't be found, just saying that usually there are designated play areas and rooms, and the main entrance isn't one of those designated areas. I would suggest visiting the club websites for a better understanding of how they work.

    What other questions or concerns do you have?
    "Like Johnny and June"

  3. Back To Top | #3
    Swingers Board Addict DigginIt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by Aladyandhim View Post
    Find out they have talked for over a year and got feelings for each other
    Okay, not to hijack this thread or take away from what you are asking but this is a screaming red flag.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aladyandhim View Post
    I returned this past June
    Guessing military here?

    Quote Originally Posted by Aladyandhim View Post
    she told me that she doesn't have a problem me being with another female, either a FFM or her not present at all.
    My impression is that she has already started her fun independently and needs you aboard for release of guilt.

    I seriously hope I'm wrong because you have to enter this lifestyle with honesty because it will make a good relationship stronger but it will rip a bad one to shreds.

    Even if nothing has happened, someone who admits to developing "feelings" for someone "while married" simply through web chat may not necessarily be someone I would rush into the lifestyle with until after lots and lots of "what are you expecting to get out of the lifestyle" conversations because I'm not getting the warm and fuzzy from your post especially with the "sure, go ahead and have sex without me" comment way before you even know how the two of you are going to feel knowing the other is with another person besides you.

    I've seen many a divorce start off that way as the wife/husband pushes the husband/wife off to another hoping they will emotionally bond with another so that can get what they want.

    I'm usually one of the more supportive people on this site but this sends my warning signals into a frenzy.

  4. Back To Top | #4

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    I understand your concern. My wife and I are open with everything we do. When she started to have feelings for this guy, she told me. I said its no big deal and pursue it. We are secure in our relationship that I or us don't feel threated by this. On playing alone, that is something that she is comfortable with over time. Not right away, by no means.

    Basically, we are looking for couple to make friends with, if we click, then me and the wife are already in a agreement to take it further. She just feels comfortable with him cause they have talked for over 1.5 half. We already talked that if they meet, I will be present.

    We are in this together

  5. Back To Top | #5

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    I have to agree with DigginIt. I get a very uneasy feeling reading this scenario. If what the two of you are after is really swinging, this "other guy" she's been getting to know behind your back for a year needs to be permanently out of the picture.

    Even if it's a polyamorous situation, I still get uneasy. She developed feelings for him, spent a year talking to him, and is only now telling you about it?

    x10

    Get this guy out of the picture. If the situation deteriorates between you and your wife, there's not too many ways to read that other than you've been played.

    Get this sorted out. THEN start talking about potential future swinging and/or polyamory.

  6. Back To Top | #6

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Ok ... Let me explain. She is on a MySpace literary forum. She has a group of friends she talks to consistently, both male and female. The feelings or seriousness came late, late last year. That's when she mentioned about it to me and THEN started to look into poly. As for swinging or 3somes, we've talked about it lot longer then she has known him. We are to the point to where we are comfortable and secured with each other.

    I guess I'm trying to say is that we open to this for each other and are looking forward to meeting folks.

  7. Back To Top | #7

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by Aladyandhim View Post
    Last year, wife comes to me about a guy she has been "getting to know" online. They just swapped pictures. Find out they have talked for over a year and got feelings for each other.
    Quote Originally Posted by Aladyandhim View Post
    My wife and I are open with everything we do.
    Apparently not.

    Either I'm missing something or you are.
    I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)

  8. Back To Top | #8

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by lovinher View Post
    Apparently not.

    Either I'm missing something or you are.
    I knew they have been talking the whole time. He was in the network of friends she chatted online with. When she started to get feelings for him, that's when she brought it to my attention. She said if it bothers me, she would stop communication with him. I told her no, and that's when started to talk about poly, swapping, and different partners in general.

    I have not been in the dark on what she has been doing

  9. Back To Top | #9

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Is trying to get rid of guilty feelings after an affair a common start to people swinging?

  10. Back To Top | #10
    Better than Ice Cream two4youinswva's Avatar
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    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    OK. The OP feels they are on the same page and are communicating. Let's accept that as the case and get back to helping the couple with getting started.

    Aladyandhim, are there some more specific questions you would like to have answered?

    Also, if you would, check your email inbox for the link to complete your registration. If it's not there check your spam inbox too.
    "Like Johnny and June"

  11. Back To Top | #11

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by two4youinswva View Post
    OK. The OP feels they are on the same page and are communicating. Let's accept that as the case and get back to helping the couple with getting started.

    Aladyandhim, are there some more specific questions you would like to have answered?

    Also, if you would, check your email inbox for the link to complete your registration. If it's not there check your spam inbox too.
    Thanks, Trust me, we would not be on here if we weren't communicating.

    Which one would be the "best way" to meet couples, if there is a best way.

    Adult clubs, meet and greet or finding a couple online. We've been getting pretty decent feedback from Swing Lifestyle. Also, I assume nothing is expected the 1st meet unless it just really goes well

  12. Back To Top | #12
    Better than Ice Cream two4youinswva's Avatar
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    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by Aladyandhim View Post
    Which one would be the "best way" to meet couples, if there is a best way.

    Adult clubs, meet and greet or finding a couple online. We've been getting pretty decent feedback from Swing Lifestyle. Also, I assume nothing is expected the 1st meet unless it just really goes well
    Everyone has their best way to meet others. We personally like clubs, because you invest the same amount of time to meet lots of couples instead of just one couple that may or may not be a match. Some aren't as comfortable in this setting, so they prefer the two-on-two setting that meeting someone on an ad site provides.

    Probably for a new couple, the most comfortable scenario would be either an off-premises club event, or a meet and greet. The atmosphere tends to be more of a social one.

    If you are meeting someone in a two-on-two setting, sex on the first date expectations will vary. Some don't play on first date, ever. Then others are willing if everyone agrees. It's really up to those involved. Just remember, you can always say "no thanks". No really does mean no.
    "Like Johnny and June"

  13. Back To Top | #13

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    I too have misgivings about the online relationship becoming "real". Problem I see is that the online relationship is probably pushing towards the love side, and until you meet the other guy in person, you really dont know where he stands on this.

    As for meeting others, clubs (if you have some nearby) could be good. Meet & greets at local bars are also good for a social atmosphere. Hotel ballroom parties are another great social location, with the ability to go a bit further than a bar. And private house parties can be good too, just make sure you speak with the host about rules and know what is going on.

    And something to keep in mind, dont drink too much. Discuss your guidelines and comforts ahead of time and during the night. And this is all for fun.

  14. Back To Top | #14
    Swingers Board Addict DigginIt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by two4youinswva View Post
    OK. The OP feels they are on the same page and are communicating. Let's accept that as the case and get back to helping the couple with getting started.
    While I'll agree the thread was derailed a little bit from what he was asking...I think we would have been doing him a disservice had we not pointed out something that everyone here seemed to pick up on that he didn't especially since anyone of us very well could be the ones swinging with them at some point in the future

    You created an online profile which is a great start. You both are very attractive so you should get plenty of traffic...although I do tend to be scared when I see a picture of a woman with a gun who looks like they may shoot me if I displease them

    Several types of events you can go to such as:

    Socials - these tend to be at some dive bar and are usually off premise meaning no orgies. Doesn't mean you won't spot me and Mrs Diggs up in the corner with another couple pushing the limits

    Clubs - On or Off premise, I think of an off premise club basically as a social with a permanent location and regular hours, lol. On premise clubs, yes you can run into a full blown orgy and you will see everything and more there but there is never any pressure to join in and its a great place for the two of you to be a little more risque in a public place without getting arrested.

    House parties, you should be able to find those in droves on Swing Lifestyle in your area. I like clubs better than house parties because you can stand more at a distance at a club where a house party is more intimate and there is more allure to join into the fun before you may be ready despite how little pressure there is. Also, at a house party as the new couple you will have people flock to you as the "fresh" couple and that could be a little overwhelming.

    You didn't ask for this but I'm going to throw it in:

    When you do decide to jump into the lifestyle you need to be prepared that you and/or your wife are going to be hit with an flood of sensations and that usually leads to performance issues as a guy. I don't care how hard your cock gets during sex, it can be very disobedient during swinging. Plenty of threads here about that.

    You should also expect to hear your wife or your wife hear you make sounds you may not have heard in a long time or ever because it's new sex and routine can't compete with new sex. This is where your tested. This is where you find out if you are a swinger or not and it's pretty simple. You will either be turned on by it or want to pummel the guy she is with.

    All of the prep advice can be found elsewhere in the threads and not going to repeat it but I think of those two above as the most important of all the advice I can give to new swingers.

    Good luck

  15. Back To Top | #15
    Better than Ice Cream two4youinswva's Avatar
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    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by DigginIt View Post
    While I'll agree the thread was derailed a little bit from what he was asking...I think we would have been doing him a disservice had we not pointed out something that everyone here seemed to pick up on that he didn't especially since anyone of us very well could be the ones swinging with them at some point in the future
    It was not an admonition for exploring the concerns. It was a gentle bump back into the right direction after the OP answered the concerns three times.
    "Like Johnny and June"

  16. Back To Top | #16

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Thanks again for everyones comments and concerns

    I will give an UPDATE…

    Last night we met our 1st couple. It was kinda of a last minute thing and didn't happen to almost midnight due to our prior engagement.

    Anyhow, we met at a local strip club and right from the get go, it was easy going. They were more about helping us decide and think about what we do and don't want.

    Never once was it brought up about us doing anything 1st night and time with them. They made some good points and answered all our concerns very politely. We stayed there for an hr or so then grabbed something to eat and called it a night. We both went to our respective homes and that was it.

    Made the whole thing easier, knowing no one is gonna push you or be aggressive.

    We told them the 1st thing we would like to start off with is just same room sex(with out swapping), just to get comfortable. Even then, they made no advance in trying to get that to happen.

    Overall it was a very interesting evening and eased our nerves. Made it more comfortable to try a meet and great next month.

    PS. On our profile on Swing Lifestyle for what we are looking for. We have same room sex, maybe soft swap.

    Is same room sex interpreted as you full swap but stay in same room? I thought it was sex with your spouse only, but with another couple present.
    If Im wrong I need to change it for now

  17. Back To Top | #17
    Better than Ice Cream two4youinswva's Avatar
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    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by Aladyandhim View Post
    Is same room sex interpreted as you full swap but stay in same room? I thought it was sex with your spouse only, but with another couple present.
    If Im wrong I need to change it for now
    The best thing to do is spell out exactly what you want. Some will interpret it one way, others in another way. Best to leave no doubt.

    Glad you found a patient and helpful couple.
    "Like Johnny and June"

  18. Back To Top | #18
    Swingers Board Addict DigginIt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    We define "same room" to mean that they are a full swap couple but must be in eye sight of each other.

    There are couples that prefer to play in different rooms.

  19. Back To Top | #19

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Oh damn… I need to reword our profile….

  20. Back To Top | #20
    Swingers Board Addict DigginIt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by Aladyandhim View Post
    Oh damn… I need to reword our profile….
    Ultimately, you will most likely have had a couple discussions so I wouldn't get too wrapped up over it

    There are profiles that some swingers haven't updated since they created it 5 years earlier

  21. Back To Top | #21

    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by DigginIt View Post
    Ultimately, you will most likely have had a couple discussions so I wouldn't get too wrapped up over it

    There are profiles that some swingers haven't updated since they created it 5 years earlier
    Speak for yourself! We're eternally 30!

  22. Back To Top | #22
    Swingers Board Addict DigginIt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Oh... Were BRAND NEW with NO EXPERIENCE…need LOTS of Advise

    Quote Originally Posted by bbarnsworth View Post
    Speak for yourself! We're eternally 30!
    That is too funny! And not the only ones I might add.

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