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stuckinOH

Sexual Fantasy vs Reality

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I will keep my question very short, maybe add more later if needed.

 

Can someone- especially a female- fantasize about something that they truly don't want in real life? To me this would be like saying I like thinking about eating a piece of apple pie, but don't really want to.

 

Of course if my reasoning for not wanting to was due to being a diabetic or watching my weight that would make sense since yes I wanted the pie, but the ramifications would be too great.

 

My thought is that if someone fantasizes about something, it is something they wish they could do. I do realize that some fantasies may be more or less impossible, too risky, or such, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want them to happen. Only that they would most likely never happen or would take too much to make them happen to be worth the effort or risk.

 

Your thoughts?

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Lol, yes.

 

I have fantasized about throwing my cell phone out of a moving car, pulling someone's hair in the middle of a meeting, and even trying to touch a police officer's gun. Of course, I've fantasized about having sex with other men.

 

I know the risks of all of these things greatly outweigh the rewards (what reward is there for touching a police officer's gun? :lol:) So to answer, yes, women can fantasize about things and not really want to do them.

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A fantasy, by definition, is something that you roll around in your mind but could not or would not do. What is your question, really, in all of this?

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:Welcome: from Oklahoma, StuckinOH. We're glad you've joined us.

 

There are many fantasies; sometimes the most exciting are those that you would never want to happen. What is yours?

 

We'd be grateful if you'd stop by the Introductions forum and tell us a bit about yourself.

 

Alura

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I fantasize about eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Peanut butter (to me) tastes terrible. But all I've heard about and PB&banana sandwich is that they are great. It would make me sick.

 

It ain't happening.

 

Just the other day I bit into some celery. Yuck. But it was there on the table, and I wanted to eat it. Even though I know I don't like it. That was probably one that should have stayed in the fantasy area.

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Thanks for the replies. I appreciate your responses and hope to hear from more. Maybe I don't have any fantasies, just wishes, therefore don't understand the idea of a fantasy?????

 

The question is- I am trying to identify if my wife truly only likes the idea of a MFM or if that is the answer she has decided on due to some of her worries.

 

I should note that we have considered for many years having a MFM. I am a typical male and an engineer on top of that so when I see a problem I solve it. When she is concerned about going to a swing club since they will have our names, I suggest a meet and greet. When she is afraid someone not with the group may see us I suggest finding someone on Swing Lifestyle. When she worries about finding someone on the internet being a serial killer I suggest going to a normal club, yet not in our neighborhood where some single guys are more likely to frequent. I could go on. Let me note the thoughts of going to a club, meet and greet, etc were things she wanted to do at first, not just things I suggested.

 

I know some replies will be that we need to communicate more- we have for several years. I know some replies will say she needs to be ready- just the other day we had the door to the garage open to allow some fresh air in the house and she started to get frisky. My wife was very excited at the thought that someone may walk in the open door and find us and join in. Several times she mentioned she wished I would have set something up- not just the other day but on many occasions. When not in the heat of the moment she says she likes the idea, but doesn’t really want to do it.

 

I interpret her actions as she does want to do it, but worries about the process. She denies this- I think because she knows the engineer in me will find a solution to her worries. Maybe I am wrong and she really only does want to fantasize about it.

 

I don’t want to give a lot of details on a general post, but I would love to hear from some of you that may have had some similar concerns when starting up. I am not looking for ways to convince her to proceed, I am looking to try and understand if a fantasy is only a fantasy. I can give more examples/details to allow you more insight, but again, not in a general forum.

 

All I know is that after working in the yard on a hot day and thinking about how good a nice cold beer would be, when I get done I enjoy a nice cold beer- not just the thought.

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I interpret her actions as she does want to do it, but worries about the process. She denies this- I think because she knows the engineer in me will find a solution to her worries. Maybe I am wrong and she really only does want to fantasize about it.

 

A) I love the insight that engineers have into their shared psyches. Few professions are aware of their obsession like engineers are. Revel in it, StuckinOH, you folks will solve all our problems one day.

 

B) Yeah, it could be just that, a fantasy. Probably not the answer you were looking for, but there it is. I find myself often times put into positions where my fantasy could be played out, if I had the gumption to be forward about it and go after it - and I'm in a profession that's well regarded for forwardness. In the end, I have to admit to myself that these fantasies are just that.

 

I will probably never seriously hit on my vanilla buddy's MILF-y wife no matter how drunk and flirty she gets. I would love to, and I've shared the fantasy with Z, and she's all in for it, but in the end, it remains just that.

 

What's important is that her fantasies appear to fuel your sex life and aren't a hindrance to it. Let her fantasies continue to feed your sex life and enjoy that benefit of it. It isn't really a problem in need of a solution unless she says so.

 

W

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Sounds like it's just a fantasy and she doesn't really want it to happen. Some women have rape fantasies. It's extremely unlikely that any of them want to actually be raped.

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Ok, Mr Engineer :) It's time to take off your Mr. FixIt hat and really sit down and listen to your wife. It's possible that she's throwing excuses out there to talk you out of it, when the reality is she doesn't want to do it (for whatever reason) and doesn't feel like she can tell you that for some reason. (This is a typical male/female dynamic thing).

 

Guys in general are terrible about wanting to "fix things". Women want to talk about things, we like to discuss things, roll ideas around, bounce them off walls for a while and then maybe if everything clicks into place move forward. Just the other day I threw an idea out to my hubby about rearranging our living room. I worded it "what do you think about possibly...." He instantly wanted to get up and measure the living room as if I was asking him to move things right that second. I just wanted to know his opinion on whether it might work or he might like that layout. This is fairly typical in our house. I've not quite gotten him trained yet :)

 

Many times as women, instead of saying "no' to our hubbies (the man we love most in this world and hate to disappoint), we throw out reasons why we can't do the suggested deed. A couple of books I'd suggest for you to help you with these dynamics Communication Miracles for Couples and Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Hope that helps :)

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Ahh engineers and accountants. The epitome of analytical. You problem solve and she is expressing emotion. The two don't compute.

 

She's really saying to you what if something goes wrong? Try holding her and saying "even if something unlikely happens I love you and I'll be there for you." or we'll be there for each other.

 

It's probably about the best you can do as understanding womens minds and ways of thinking is still beyond science...:lol:

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Thank you all for the replies. I wish I wouldn't have put down that I was an engineer to see how/if the replies would have been different:)

 

Yes I realize the woman vs man dynamic, that is not to say I am able to ignore my need to provide a solution and instead respond with "I understand, that must be......."

 

But I find some of the responses interesting

 

I will probably never seriously hit on my vanilla buddy's MILF-y wife no matter how drunk and flirty she gets. I would love to, and I've shared the fantasy with Z, and she's all in for it, but in the end, it remains just that.

 

 

I believe this means you would hit on her, if they were into the LS. The only reason it will remain a fantasy is because you don't have any reason to believe it can become reality??

 

Just the other day I bit into some celery. Yuck. But it was there on the table, and I wanted to eat it. Even though I know I don't like it. That was probably one that should have stayed in the fantasy area.

 

Not even sure how to respond to that:D

 

 

What's important is that her fantasies appear to fuel your sex life and aren't a hindrance to it. Let her fantasies continue to feed your sex life and enjoy that benefit of it.

 

You are right on. It definitely spices things up. Based on some things she says and does I wouldn't be surprised if some day she'll take the leap. Regardless, I love that she shares the fantasy with me and allows me to help her play it up. When we go out for a night and she kicks me under the table then nods towards someone and says "I'd do him" she knows it gets me going.

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Thank you all for the replies. I wish I wouldn't have put down that I was an engineer to see how/if the replies would have been different:)

 

Seriously that was one of the best pieces of info you could have shared. Analytical types (generally identified by behaviour and occupation) are around 5% of the population and react differently than those driven by emotions. I think that really makes a difference to any advice.

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Guest sunandwater1970

Funny you ask this ... in the beginning when my wife and I considered this (just a few months ago) she and I considered only the fantasy part. Then I was anxious to meet people while she was interested, not really into meeting. We had a few dates, a few light swaps and quickly she and I swapped ... I then learned she was now all I needed and really didn't need to actually be with anyone but loved the fantasy, dirty talk, and even watching others. I've never been one who likes being put in the lime light and am a bit of a homophobe so trying to make each other happy would be difficult ... she wants the couple thing, me just the female. Lots of more details I could share, but to get my point across, I, the male, really don't want to swap ... happy with what I have at home ... it is possible you are all she wants but gets hot at the thought. Be patient if this is something you do want to give a try and grow with it. Keep communicating and be honest about your feelings with each other. Good luck!

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