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Wife talks about threesomes during sex, but hesitant

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My fiance and I have been together fo 5 years now. I am 32. She is 24. She is a VERY attractive girl. Men hit on her all the time. We love each other to no end. Firstly I want to say.....our sex life is GREAT. She pleases me and she says I please her thoroughly. Neither of us has cheated. We have been totally monogamous. We are totally committed to each other.

 

For the last year or so, we have been expressing little fantasies to each other during sex. She has mentioned things that I had no idea she would think about. Now first off let me say that one of my biggest fantasies (like alot of other men) is to see my woman sexually pleasured by another male. But I never really mentioned it to her (due to being afraid she would think I'm wierd). But she then started mentioning that her big fantasy is to have me watch her get fucked by another guy. She said she wants me to sit in a chair and masturbate while I watch. She says seeing me jerk off will show her that I really do want to see her get fucked. Needless to say I was shocked but pleasantly suprised to hear her say this. I told her that my fantasy also was to see her do this.

 

I thought this may have been a passing thought for her. However over the past few months (and current) when we have sex, she always asks me "Have you been watching anything dirty on the internet?". I know what she is wanting me to say. I tell her yes. She asks "what?". I tell her MFM videos. And when I say this, it's almost an instant orgasm that follows for her.

 

She is also an adult video conoussieur (sp??). She always wants me to rent threesome videos or orgy videos.

 

Now my problem..........when I bring up the idea of actually trying it out, she is VERY hesitant. Now I know what you will proably say. It seems then it's just a fantasy for her and nothing else. But to this I tell you that once...and only once....awhile back we were driving home from a party. She had a few drinks but was not sloppy drunk by any means. Semi-drunk?? Yes. On the way home, she took off all her clothes in the car and began to masturbate while we were on the road. I thought this to be just typical sexual fun for us two. But to my surprise, she asked if I thought a friend of mine would like to come over to our home and "play". My mouth dropped. I asked her again just to be sure. She said she wanted to do the MFM. I called my friend while still on the road and told him to come over. He was at a club at the time and said it would be hard for him to get to our home anytime soon. I told him to hurry. My fiance and I got home and went upstairs to have sex. I didn't know if she was still wanting to do this. But as she was riding on top of me, she asked when my friend was going to get there. I exploded right then. I got up to call my friend and he said he was on the road hurrying. I kept glancing to my fiance and she was masturbating.

 

Long story short, when my friend finally got there, my fiance had passed out (was 3am). I asked my friend if he wanted to wake her up, but he was polite and said no that it was late and to let her sleep. Maybe next time.

 

My friend still asks me to this day if she is ready to try the threesome. But again, she is now hesitant to go through with it. Even though she still talks about it.

 

So the question is..............what should I do???????? This is not just my fantasy. It's her's also. And I know (at least I think) she wants to do it but she is scared to put open that first door.

 

(ps-----thanks for reading this loooooong drawn out story) :)

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Sorry, just sounds like it is just still a fantasy with her. She was drunk when she wanted to make it happen for real. Never let her do anything drunk that she would not do stone cold sober. You both will regret it afterwards.

 

Now, if you two can sit at the kitchen table, sober and fully clothed and talk about this and she wants to still do it then it is more then a fantasy to her. That is the only time she will be fully aware and know for sure. To easy to agree to things when in bed or drunk.

 

You seem to Love her. Do it the right way if it is going to happen at all.

 

Good luck,

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Good advice from Lee, although I'll add a small 'but'. I tend to be a bit shy (believe it or not, everyone :o ) and I well remember my nervousness and reluctance to talk in the beginning. I felt like if I admitted anything stone cold sober over coffee at breakfast, I would end up committed to making it a reality. Had I given it some thought? Was I curious? Yes. But did I want someone to draw the line in the sand? Absolutely not! I wanted to explore our options, but only very slowly and carefully. And I didn't want to find myself in a position where dates had been all set up and planned down to the wire...and then chicken out.

 

I'd suggest doing as Lee says and talking about this when you're not under the influence or in bed. Use a sense of humour. Tease her a bit. But do ask her if she's serious. This whole expedition is going to require mucho communication. You think you know one another NOW...just wait... Start out light. Hang out with your buddy for a beer and have her flirt with him (if she feels like it). Continue with the dirty talk in bed; it's always good. Likewise, the porn. Is she totally straight? If she's bi-curious at all, this is another avenue that many swingers follow when getting involved at the start. If she's straight, don't sweat it. It sounds like it's a definite interest for her.

 

Just give her time and space to explore her feelings, and do everything you can to reassure her that you will still love and respect her - not just in spite of her thoughts/feelings/fantasies - but for them. One of her main reasons for being hesitent is likely this. Other contributing thoughts might include thinking that she'll fall in love with someone else, religious/moral conflict, feeling like you're "pimping her out" to your buddies... Take it from a girl who's been there. These thoughts do run through our minds.

 

Another good idea (and one that Mr. intuition used on me) is to bring her to the board and ask her to have a look around at some of the discussions. Although Mr. didn't find swingersboard, he showed me adultfriendfinder.com. It certainly was intriguing...especially because these were actual people who were looking for sex (well...sort of :rollseyes: ).

 

Best of luck to you! Keep us up to speed, eh?

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Great advice from both above. (and great new avatar, Intuition!)

 

You need to talk to her about this, sober, not during sex. Discuss your feelings and her feelings about why this is a fantasy and how you would both feel if it became a reality. Talk about some groundrules.

 

Good luck.

 

~SS

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Thanks for all that have responded. Now I am glad I found this site. :)

 

I have actually sat down and tlaked to her about this without alcohol around and during non-sexual encounters. I explained to her in this way:

 

I LOVE her with all my heart. She is my everything. I have never loved anyone as I do her. I will always be with her for as long as she will have me.

 

I want to see her happy in everyway possible. She makes me happy. I know she has told me that she loves me too and I make her happy. I told her that the one thing I want to make sure of is that we do not get bored with each other. I have seen many of my friends who are married start feeling this way already after 3-5 years of being together. They are bored with each other and have gotten into the typical "routine". I believe one of the major (if not THE major) reason for couples getting divorced is that they don't feel the "spark" anymore that they once used to. And I believe that this is THE major reason people begin to stray into other men's/women's beds. To find that missing excitement.

 

I told her that I want to fufill every one of her needs and desires. I said if she ever feels she is getting bored and feels the need of another man's attention, to please let me know and not do anything behind my back. I told her that I would rather make it an enjoyable session for us both rather than sneaking around. I told her that I actually would LOVE to see her have sex with another man while I watch. I told her that I know it is her MAJOR fantasy as she told me. She didn't deny it or say something to the effect that "Well that's only a fantasy". She was quiet. So I know it is something she perhaps desires deep down but is hesitant to do it.

 

I also told her that this IS my fantasy and I only want her to do it if she wants to do it. I told her I do not want her to feel pressured into it and only want her to do it if it is what she wants......not to just do it becasue she thinks it will make me happy. I never want her to do anything for me if it makes her un-happy but does it just to "make me happy". Never!! I also told her that if we ever went through with this, it would only be if we BOTH agree on it. And if we ever decided it was fun and we wanted to continue to try this, it would be only a limited number if times and we would both still have to agree when it would happen. And that we are NOT looking to replace each other. I told her that I view it as sexual fun and nothing more. I have her body, mind, heart and soul. The other lucky guy would just get to share her body. The rest is for me only.

 

Now I DO know one of her major hangups is how she feels about the way she looks. She is absolutely beautiful. Again, she gets hit on by men on occassion (makes me horny when she tells me this...:)). Due to her previous pregnancies, she has developed a bit of a belly. It is very cute actually. But she says I am just saying this because I love her. I tell her no, that she still looks great. But she still is VERY self-conscious about it. She says she can't see herself being nude in front of anyone else.

 

I did tell her that my friend (who is very willing still to fuck her) thinks she is hot. I have showed him a few pictures of her semi-nude. And he still thinks she is hot. My fiance says that if he thinks that then it's obvious that I have only showed him pictures of her breasts and ass (which are VERY nice). But that I have not showed him her full body. Now I have to say that over the past years, I have shared a few pics of her with guys I chat with. She found out and got VERY angry with me and told me to stop doing this. When I met my friend, I went against her wishes because I wanted to show my friend at his request what she looked like. So I sent him the usual semi-nude pics. I did not send him any full body pics though. But late last year while chatting with him (and him asking still if she was ready) I told him that I thought one of the major reasons she was hesitant was because she was self conscious about her belly. He said that was bull. He asked if I had a pic of her full body. I said yes. He asked if he could see it. After much hesitation, I agreed to show him. so I sent it to him. And his response??? He said he didn't understand what she was all upset about. He thought it was cute and sexy. I was like WOW. I knew it!! LOL.

 

Anyways back to the issue. When she told me that I must have just sent him pics of her ass and breasts, I told her no. I fessed up and told her that I sent the full body pic of her to him. I was awaiting the verbal abuse against me to begin as I knew I went against her wish of not sharing her pic. But she actually just said something to the effect of "really?". I told her to forgive me but that he said he thought her full body pic was very sexy and that he still wanted to fuck her more than ever. Her response was quietness.

 

So, I have actually talked to her about this. I told her that I would love to fufill her fantasy. I told her that I want to sit in a chair near the bed and masturbate while I watch her fuck another guy. I told her that some of the sexual things she does not do with me (anal, oral, facial) I want to see her do with him. I told her that if she wanted to let him do whatever to her, then I would love to see it.

 

Again, she stayed quiet. She didn't deny it or say no. She just stayed quiet.

 

What does this mean??

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My guess is she's a little overwhelmed right now. It's a lot to take in all at once. The best thing you can do now is to back off and let her sort this stuff out in her head. Even go so far as to tell her that you are backing off now. The ball is in her court. One thing I will suggest: be 100% sure she understands that just because you're okay with her having sex with others, it doesn't mean it's okay to do it behind your back. All you want is her honesty and her respect, and to you, that means much more than sexual exclusivity.

Have you considered trying a swing club? For a date night sometime, as a follow-up to your discussion, perhaps you could try a reputable club in your area. I'd suggest perhaps an off-premises club to start with, where the atmosphere is flirty and very erotic, but there actual penetrative sex doesn't occur. It might be a good way to introduce her to real people who do this sort of thing on a regular basis.

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Hi, i think you are trying the wrong approach. The last thing a woman wants to hear is that you think she will get bored with you and try other men!!!

 

My wife watched 3some movies in secret (we watched 1-1 together - she got me into it actually i never liked porn before) and it was basically an issue with loosing me! Naturally she thought a man would freak out. But I loved her being looked at and wearing minis with no undies etc so she sort of knew. But still being oogled and fucked are very different

 

Women naturally assume that in reality when another man fucks them the husband/bf will get jealous and it will risk loosing their loved one. Women are more relationship orientated (at least via social programming) and supress their sexuality.

 

The fact she brought it up AND loves porn shows she actually is into it prob.

 

You just need to talk openly. What convinced my wife was;

 

1. I let her have her FMF fantasy as she wanted to see me with another girl. That went well with her diving in....but she was still nervous for MFM. It worked for us but might not for you

 

2. I told her how much I loved her and that it was about giving her something different. I KNOW I can satisfy her. I am the best. I will never leave her. I TRUST her so much that I know she wont leave me for another man OR cheat on me. Its my gift based on absolute trust and love

 

3. Make it a full on 3some but limit the scope. Just get an experienced swinger as third party and explain the partner is nervous so she may only want hands/tongue. Really experienced men will understand and actually help you and not get pushy. Its better if she talks to him first as well and he says the same. Like "hey its cool I will just do what you say and I dont expect sex at all I will just watch your bf and you"

 

Tell her you will be there getting her turned on and the guy will just lend a pair of hands. Try that first. Explain that if she gets carried away its cool but you will make love to her as the other man masterbates!

 

This will sound more appealing. Actually the wife and I had agreed to go to a swingers club and give a "sexy show" and watch others but not touch. But being what we are we just dived in to try 3somes. The wife was all nerves though and it took a stiff drink or two! Now she is asking for more and more :) and she wants me to try 2 extra girls and she wants 2 ectar guys. better get to the gym!

 

It also helped we were married. I know she wouldnt have before married. Too risky!

 

4. Can always say "cool" we can maybe reconsider when married and therefore you know I am yours forever. Just work on the jealousy fear. Say how good you feel if men look at her and encourage her to look sexy. If you get jealous whena man looks then maybe you are not ready anyway!

 

 

5. And get her to look at sites like this. Fact is most women get to love it! The wife was afraid she would get addicted. It can happen but I know she gets turned off if I am so there is a safety valve. And I trust her. Also we have a ground rule. 100% yes from both of us - and we do it together - or we just stop. We have other fun like making home porn / sex in public so we arenot short of kinky fun anyway!

 

Overall just talk about her fears. LISTEN! I bet its prob fear of loosing you and going on about a bored marriage with affairs isnt music to a womans ear!!!!

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Dallas, I'd stick to the first two advices in this thread.

 

I believe you have a missconception when you thin swinging is something you do to avoid boredom. I am sure it may happen, but most people here will tell you they does this to enhance what they already have. In fact, swinging enhances EVERYTHING of what you have, wheter it's good of bad. A marriage with problems trying to solve them by means of swinging get these problems enhanced, and I believe if you do this to avoid boredom, this would enhance your boredom feelings.

 

Once said this, I have to tell you that involving your friend here is a really bad idea. In first place, it seems you have as much (if not higher) confidence with your friend than the one you have with your wife about certain things (as to get convinced to chare her pics with him). If something like this brings to the surface during an encounter (even a soft approach), she hardly will trust you enough again as to swing.

 

To be able to swing, a couple should be able to act monolitaclly, as if they both were the SAME person. They have to know each other enoguh as to do this, they have to talk a lot, fantasize scenaries for the fears and set rules for themselves, stick to these rules, and they have to deal with the differences that they found privatelly, EXCLUDING the thrid ones they sahre the bed with.

 

It seems to me that the relationship you have with your friend may become an obstacle to this setting a couple needs to swing. You shouldn't have to give him any explanation about what's going on between you two, your fiance shouldn't have to have any second toughts about what this guy knows or doesn't know that's private for both of you. Once you invited him that day your fiance was drunk, and you keep trying to make this MFM with him, with his knowledge, being him aware of everithing, you made this guy the last one your fiance would be confortable with.

 

In the other hand, you also have to think of the eventual odds. In the real life things dont use to happen as semesly they do in our fantasies. Should something goes wrong in this MFM encounter, should any of you two regret for something said or done there, it's likely that your fiance wouldn't want to face your friend anymore (even this could happen to you!). You risk your friendship. She risks to put you in the burden of having to choose between an old friend and herself (and this could be enough mativation for her reluctancy).

 

IHMO, you have to tell your friend you two decided togheter and for good that you wont engage in any threesome, ever, and less with him (because of what I told you), and you have to let your fiance know you told this to your friend, that not even if she want a MFM to happen you'll accept this guy as a partner. That given the case that she agree with the MFM idea, you two would have to look for an unknown guy, someone not having any previous relationship with any of you, to develop a relationship with him where you two would react like just ONE person for his eyes (and any of you would have any previous "adventage" to ally with the third one against the other one), until reaching the degree of confidence required to engage in such a MFM.

 

For the record, this is what usually happens: couples set the rules and the times, singles accept these rues and timming or else they move on. Any of you will be commited in any way with the single (and less have a diferent commitment as the one you actually have because he is YOUR friend), any of you can call of at any time (even once in the bed) and the single would have to deal with this by himself.

 

So, besides the advice given, do it the right way and from the scratch. If you two ever have a MFM, and once you two get enough experience, then you may consider again doing something with your friend. But by now, this friends adds too much complexity for something that is complex enough by itself.

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The previous poster mentioned something important. IMHO its far better with an out of town stranger you meet for a MFM than a friend. What if he freaks out? what if your partner has a crush on him or him her? If you get jealous the guy will be around you! If out of towner then less jealous feelings

 

An experienced swinger would be best as well. Ideally one who has swung as a couple before and is single for normal relationship breakdown reasons.

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Thanks to all again who have posted.

 

She actually told me that IF she ever did a MFM, she wanted me to pick the guy. And she also said she DID NOT want it to be a stranger I didn't know. She made this VERY clear. She does not want someone that neither of us knows entering our home or her body.

 

She does not have to know who my friend is (again, SHE said this). She actually doesn't know who he is. Other that what I have told her about him over the past year or so. But she does want me to know him. So the idea of her possibly knowing him also and then perhaps feelings developing between him and her are slim to none.

 

My friend is actually an experienced swinger. He has been the 3rd person in MFM threesomes before.

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Dallas,

 

I'd say you both should dig depper in the motivations for her to ask to do it with a guy you know from before. Actually this could be a concern regarding a safer scenario for her, so she is requesting for something comming from her current social experiences that doesn't include swinging, so the lack of experience leads her to conclude "it would be better this way".

 

Most swingers will tell you, based in their experience swinging, because they did that or know people who did it, that this approach is too risky. Not only you may geopardize your relationship with the third ones, you may geopardize your own relationship as a couple, and the chances to get an experience good enough as to repeat it.

 

I would suggest you to invite her to the forum to get an insight about this subject and ask questions, before reaching the final decision.

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