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Lundy

Need advice: Encountered someone we know on lifestyle site

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We were recently contacted by a couple on Kasidie, and we exchanged some simple getting to know each other type emails. Nothing sexual in nature or reveling in any way. As the communication progressed we got the chance to see pictures and it turns out the wife knows the female half of the couple. She is actually very close to out 24 year old daughter, in fact my wife and daughter often attend vanilla gatherings together. This has completely freaked out my wife. She is so upset that somebody so close to our daughter and her may now know she is in the LS. She blamed me for not being more careful and is now questioning the LS all together.

 

I need some advice from anybody that has had a similar incident.

What did you do to help her?

What advice can you share with me?

 

Help!!!!!

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Age and lifestyle experience of the other party is important. If they are relatively new, I would think it best to cut off all communication. Reason, is that discretion is LEARNED. Now, this isn't always true, but why risk it. At any rate, I think it best to come clean now and state it won't work for those reasons.

 

We have another situation of our own where I (the mr) has a very professional relationship with several of the female members of our regular club. They know I/we won't play with them due to the nature of the relationship.

 

I think there are some similarities here and it's best to let it go.

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To follow on lotsoffun201's suggestion, I am thinking it might be too early in your's and your wife's venture into swing lifestyle to expose yourselves this way. Even if the other woman you know in vanilla life is cool about your being at the Kasidie, people you know in another, more-formal setting probably won't make a good starter experience. No reason to take off your masks now. Yes, just send them a diplomatic Kasidie note that says, "sorry, we cannot."

 

A footnote to this. Anybody who stays long enough in swing lifestyle will almost inevitably run into a vanilla-life person who is really a lifestyle person. It just happened early for you guys.

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Has the other couple seen your face pics? If yes, really you are all in the same boat. They are probably just as nervous.

 

I would just say, "How funny to see you here! This is our little secret and we expect it to stay that way." If they still want to play, you can just say that you prefer to keep your vanilla and swing lives separate.

 

If they haven't seen your picture, the above advice seems reasonable. Just make sure you maintain their secret.

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If they haven't seen your pics, then just gracefully disengage. They don't know any more about you now than they did before since they don't know it is you to start with, just some words on a screen.

 

If they have seen pics, then just do what the above post says - make it clear that discretion is important to you, and that you keep your swinging and vanilla lives separate, which I think is always a good idea no matter how experienced you are.

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When it happened to us, I let J decide. She said fuck it, we all know everything anyway. BUT, if I had known I knew him before meeting him, I would have passed. He was pretty close to our vanilla circle. I'd follow the other advise and if they haven't seen your face, bag it. Imagine the feelings you will have next time they are right there, for some vanilla thing. You'll be all red..and stammering and stuff lol.

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Twice you've emphasized the closeness this woman has to your daughter, so I'm guessing it's the relationship to your daughter that is freaking out your wife's shit rather than a more general, "Oh, my word, we know these people!" From that, I'd say your wife would be very ashamed if your daughter found out about your swinging. I'm not sure what you can do about that, but perhaps your wife could work on being a little less ashamed of what brings her pleasure?

 

Inevitably, we will all run into someone who intersects our vanilla lives. Attitude matters when that happens and you can totally come unglued or you can shrug it off and have the talk about discretion, etc.

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It would be helpful to understand what is upsetting your wife. Is the fact that your daughter is associated with someone in the lifestyle (but has no idea)? If so, you can remind your wife that YOU are in the LS and so are many other good, stable family oriented couples. In fact, there are some LS parents I'd rather my kids hang out with than vanilla! Is it that she is afraid that your daughter may be exposed to the LS? That's understandable, especially if you live in a small town. But she is an adult and if you raised her right you should expect her to make good choices for her...just as you two did for yourselves by getting into the LS. Is it that you are afraid you'll get outed? Remember, that couple probably has the same feeling as many of us do. Our guess is that you opened up your pics as well. Time to either send an email or grab a coffee, make sure your hobby is kept secret, and then determine what path is best for you in terms of playing or not with this couple. As others have noted, many of us end up coming across vanilla friends in the LS. Good luck!

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My guess is that your wife now realizes that she might be outted in the LS, if not by this woman, by someone else and it's freaked her out a bit. It's pretty normal and something she will need to come to grips with.

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It happens to almost everyone eventually - you run into someone you know. Either directly at a party or indirectly online. The number of times it's happened to us in the last few years has been mind-boggling, especially since I'm one of those people who rarely runs into people I know at the grocery store or anywhere else.

 

If you've already exchanged photos in both directions, then it's already out there and you can't take it back. If that's the case, then just be open about it "oh shit, I can't believe it's you. We really feel like it's best to not take this any further and we hope you'll understand our need for discretion as this is not something our daughter knows about" and leave it at that. If your wife and the young lady spend social time together already, it would be worthwhile to have them meet over a cup of coffee and talk it through. Otherwise, just do it via email.

 

If you haven't already returned your own pictures then don't. Just respond back to them with a simple "we are no longer interested" and leave it at that.

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