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Aquarius

2 steps forward, 2 steps back with wife

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My wife and I have been married for 16 years. A year ago I finally told her of my desire to swing. She has lovingly accepted my desires and has allowed us to role play these desires in our sex life and she truly gets turned on by them in bed! :)I love her for her acceptance and her willingness to role play, but as soon as she seems ready to take the next step she goes back to step 1 and says she could never do it. :(

 

I have never pressured her and never will but I was wondering how I could help spark a flame in her to go to the next step. She is extremely fit and would her posting a pic of herself on a site such as this and hearing the positive feed back on how sexy she is spark something? Any suggestions?

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There are so many variables to this that it would be hard for anyone to give you a specific answer or suggestion. The answer lies in finding out why she is reluctant to take the next step. It could range from body issues to her moral values. Perhaps the next step would be to try to understand her position and talk it through.

 

For us, it was taking small steps at a time with the first one just going to a clothing optional resort for a few days (clothing optional and couples only). We continued to take small steps and learn something each time, not only about the LS but also about ourselves.

 

But you have a good outlook in terms of never pressuring her. If she accepts it, it will happen. If not, just be happy with where the two of you are and go on with life.

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I agree with lnw- the most important thing is to open up the lines of communication between you two. It's possible that she may be comfortable fantasizing about swinging, but have no desire to follow through in real life. It is important that you two explore and understand her thinking on this. If you make it clear that you are wanting to talk this over, not to apply pressure on her, but to help you both to fully understand where her head is, that may help her to feel safe in talking about it. It sounds like you may be thinking hat she does not feel she would be attractive to other people, so that might be one area to talk about. Does she feel that way? If so, why does she feel that way?

 

In any case, I would not post any pictures of her, here or anywhere else, until you two have talked things over, and she agrees to have HR pictures posted. BTW, does she poke around here on SwingersBoard? She might like to do so!

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Love, trust, communication, all needed in excess to be successful. I'm guessing in this case it is trust that is lacking. This is a Pandora's box that you can't un-close and that can be a huge hurdle. Knowing that you really won't KNOW what it's like until you already know what its like (and can't undo) is a boundary that some can and others can't cross. Sometimes a fantasy is just that; a fantasy.

 

The first step in just about every case is to work on your love, trust and communication. She needs to KNOW that love is love and sex is sex and that she is the one you want to be with forever. Take it slowly (never move faster than the slowest person is comfortable with) and never make her feel that you are making her do something she isn't on board with. Make her feel completely safe and listen to what she has to say (it's easy yo sometimes hear what you WANT to hear and not what she is really saying).

 

The clothing optional resort is a good idea (from lnw). Not all swingers are nudists and not all nudists are swingers so other than being with a bunch of naked people it's usually very non-threatening. Also try exploring HER fantasies more. Find out what SHE would like and see about making some of them more of a reality. These things will help show her that she can trust you. Also, there is nothing bad that can come from increasing your love, trust and communication with each other. There is always a (respectable) chance that she won't ever be able to cross this line...and if that becomes so, you MUST honor her choice and keep this something that you play with in the bedroom. Swinging is NEVER more important than your partner. That she is even willing to consider swinging (even if only a fantasy) is more than 97 percent of the population and a very positive sign about your relationship.

 

We wish you good luck and keep asking questions (and keep us up to date with how things progress).

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I finally was able this weekend to discuss with the Mrs. why she is so reluctant to make our fantasy a reality and WOW what an insightful answer she gave me. She said that she was afraid that after I saw her enjoying the experience that she feared that I would be resentful and would use it against her and that the experience wouldn't be worth hurting our wonderful marriage.

 

The answer has made me reflect on the fact that she sees this as you said, GoldCoCouple as opening Pandora's Box ... I told her that I really respected her feelings and that I felt honored that our marriage is so important to her! I left the conservation at that because I felt any other discussion would dishonor her feelings.

 

Does the fact that she said, "ME seeing her enjoy the experience" tell me that she that she is still open to the idea if I am able communicate and show her my love and trust. I am in no hurry to make this happen because the process seems to make me feel closer to her.

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Does the fact that she said, "ME seeing her enjoy the experience" tell me that she that she is still open to the idea if I am able communicate and show her my love and trust. I am in no hurry to make this happen because the process seems to make me feel closer to her.

 

I'd highly recommend not trying to read things into her words, don't guess at hidden meanings and don't ask strangers on the internet what your wife is thinking. :)

 

Ask your wife.

 

... because when you are able to ask your wife and have an open and honest conversation about this without seeking or expecting hidden meanings... that's when you are starting to communicate with love and trust, the openness and honesty, that you need to make swinging really work.

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You started the conversation with her, now keep it going. Ask her what she meant. The more you talk, the better your relationship will be, even if swinging is one of the things that come from talking. Good luck and keep reporting back.

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