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Hopeful Hank

I hope someone here can help me

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I am looking for advice on how to approach my girlfriend with wanting to watch her with another guy or having an mfm. A couple of years ago I brought up the idea somewhat jokingly a couple of times and she said she thought that was gross and 2 guys at the same time is even more disgusting. Now our sex life is much different and I think she just said those things worried how I might look at her if she wanted that. These days she likes me to talk dirty and call her a filthy slut while we are having sex. She loves for me to fuck her with a big dildo and lick her pussy while I ram my dick down her throat. She absolutely loves it. She also loves for me to put my dick inside her with a dildo or vibrator. She gets off harder than I have ever seen her and I think she would really get off if it were a real guy instead of a toy. But after her being so adamant about it not being cool I am scared to death to bring it up because I don't want her to think I'll of me for wanting it. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

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Welcome.

 

Honestly, the only thing to do is ask. You could even just say "hey, I know you really enjoy how we play with the dildo. What would you think about using a real guy?"

 

The trick here is, if your relationship isn't in a place where you can have an open and honest conversation about swinging or having a threesome, than your relationship isn't in a place where you should do it.

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Lionheart is right, people and relationships do evolve over time, and what was once the unthinkable can become the accepted norm. There is no set timeline for getting to that point though and each subject is different; on some things feelings and opinions may never change, and on others, they might. This holds true for subjects other than sex and swinging too, and just like anything, you won't know until you ask. When you do ask? Whenever you feel like the other may be receptive to having that conversation, and on that you'll just have to trust your gut feeling based on little hints and clues.

 

To me the rule of thumb on popping the swinging question is: Will even asking the question cause hurt? If yes, then don't ask. Will asking the question have no guarantee of getting the desired answer but just the asking alone won't cause any harm? If yes, then time to have that conversation.

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I found that there is more to it than just asking if she would like to do it. She has probably called 'gross' on the subject to protect you. If she understands how much it would turn you on to see, she may feel differently. She has to see it as more than a sex show though. She needs to feel that this is something for the 2 of you. She needs to feel that your relationship is strong enough to have gotten past jealousy. Her fear isn't doing another guy, it's the repercussions the next morning.

 

My wife always thought I was testing her, seeing if she would be willing to 'cheat' as she saw it. Seeing if she felt I was enough for her. Never understanding the reason for the desire. Years wasted.

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You know, a thought occurred to me. Under most circumstances I try to emphasis that talking about swinging should be done in a clearheaded, clothed and rational manner... because when we're all hot and bothered in the act, we tend to think and say thing that don't always hold true in a clear light of day. However, sometimes a little dirty talk in the act is a good way to start a clear-headed conversation later.

 

You might find it helpful, if you aren't already, to add a little roleplay into your dirty talk. Talk about imagining the dildo as a real guy, tell her how much the idea of her have another guy insider her while the two of you go at it turns you on, etc. Assuming she responses positively during sex, then *after sex*, in the clear light of day, you could ask her... "would you ever want to do that in real life, with a real guy?"

 

Just a thought...

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Dear HH...

 

You might want to have a look at a website, OpenLove101.com

 

What seem to be after is a strategy to open a conversation. That conversation feels risky to you. The way to manage the risk is to first inventory the core elements of your relationship. If the right elements are there, the risk is mitigated.

 

There is a post on the above mentioned website about the "HATCH"--an acronym for five elements (attributes, if you will) that we discovered are important to us long ago. They are:

 

--honesty

--affirmation

--trust

--communication

--honor

 

Those are easy words but imply behaviors and beliefs that are hard to model and to practice.

 

That might seem a longer road than simply asking your gf about her interest in adding a third to your bedroom. However, it provides a stepwise approach to getting to that question.

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I found that there is more to it than just asking if she would like to do it. She has probably called 'gross' on the subject to protect you. If she understands how much it would turn you on to see, she may feel differently. She has to see it as more than a sex show though. She needs to feel that this is something for the 2 of you. She needs to feel that your relationship is strong enough to have gotten past jealousy. Her fear isn't doing another guy, it's the repercussions the next morning.

 

My wife always thought I was testing her, seeing if she would be willing to 'cheat' as she saw it. Seeing if she felt I was enough for her. Never understanding the reason for the desire. Years wasted.

 

Mrs. EastInWest is in this spot, to some extent. That it sounds great in theory but that she is sure I wouldn't like it in practice.

 

I have no idea why, given our level of sexual openness, other than the sense that that's how things are supposed to work.

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