Don't want to swap...but want the lifestyle

My wife and I are interested in all aspects of the lifestyle, but we are not interested in swapping. We are sex positive in all ways, very much enjoy sexually charged environments, appreciate sharing in the sexuality of others, want to meet and party with others that have similar attitudes, but are not interested in having sex with other people. Would we be accepted at lifestyle events and is it likely that we could establish ourselves in a community of friends, even if we are unwilling to swap; or would this ultimately lead to annoyance, disinterest, or distrust? We would really appreciate thoughtful responses and advise from experienced members. Thank you!

If you are ok with oral sex just no penetration that is what is called soft swapping. Playing in the same room, some soft play, but no actual penetration occurs across couples. From what I have seen so far, this is a very common and accepted part of the lifestyle.

Thanks, San Antonio, but no soft swap either. Same room would certainly work, though.

There is room for all types of styles in swinging, and the style you describe certainly isn't rare. I don't think you'll have a problem at all as long as you get that out there early if you are approached by someone. Nearly everyone you encounter will be very respectful of your boundaries, you just need to let them know what those are. I think the aggravation may come with those who don't share that early on and then when later comes, the people on the other side feel like they weren't told everything up front to where they could decide what to do.

Yeah, that's still ok. I still have not gone to our local club, but the one couple we got together with described it to us and having read up at various different clubs as well, there are all types there. There are some who just go to watch and others who just go to be watched and do not play with other couples at all. It sounds like this may be the best option for you. There are a couple fairly common rules at most clubs, the biggest being "no means no." Most everyone there follows these rules and if you get someone who is not, well, there is a room full of angry husbands there to back you up. Violating that rule is a big no no and anyone else there should stick up for you.

Most of the clubs we've been to, a large percentage of people are only having sex with their partner. Depending on your community you should fit in fine.

Personally, we are full-swap, but we are happy to play in the same room with friends without any kind of swapping. It might take a little time to find your niche, but I think you'll have a great time.

I see you are in Indianapolis. You will be fine. This is a great area of the country with lots of fun events going on.

Deathtongue, welcome to SwingersBoard!

You asked for opinions from experienced people. The Mrs. and I are by no means longtime swingers, but we have been at this for about a year and a half, and have experienced a lot in that time. We have played a lot, and gone to many clubs, house parties, hotel parties, lifestyle vacations, and rendezvous with individual couples. We have a great circle of lifestyle friends, and meet new people as well. I feel like we have seen and done some things!

I would echo what others have said about making sure you are up-front about your limits. As long as you are clear about what you will not do, no one who participates should have any reason to complain that they are being deceived because you are not having any contact with them.

I would tweak what you said just a little, to say that you are interested in some aspects of the lifestyle, but not all aspects! I will also, I guess, respectfully disagree slightly with some others, and caution you that most people (not all, but most) in the swinging world will view some level of swapping as part of the core concept of swinging. So it might take a little while to find couples, especially experienced couples, who want to spend the evening with you, but are satisfied with same-room play without actually having any contact. Now, that doesn't mean you will necessarily have a hard time satisfying your desire to watch and be watched- it might just be something you mostly do more casually at a club, rather than be the culmination of an evening with a couple.

I'd bet that most clubs have a playroom setup that would allow you to play with your spouse in the presence of other people playing. If you are in a situation with others nearby, such as a group playroom or a room where you've invited others to watch by leaving the door open, you may get some requests to join you. Be prepared to decline respectfully if it happens, and you will be fine. One thing I'm not certain of is how often you would be so interrupted, and how much of a distraction that might become.

I hope this didn't come across as being too negative or pessimistic. It reflects my judgement of the percentages out there in the swinging world. I hope you take the plunge, come out to a club, and give it a go!

I am very curious about how you would handle an unattached woman coming on to your wife. It's the scenario i have alluded to in my first two ever posts. No actual swinging experienced here, but I have described (both here and to my wife) my intense desire for a "soft" FFM threesome. I would not do anything with the other woman that my wife did not do as well. This means that my penis stays out of the entire activity. My mouth and hands would, I hope, go and do the same places as my wife's mouth and hands (on the other woman) - - and even better the other woman would allow me to simultaneously pleasure my wife in all the same ways that she is doing (using my hands and mouth). Tribbing? Well, i can't do that, of course, but my imagination does not go that far.

Part of my point in asking you these questions is that my ideas avoid what I would not want to happen: my wife never has sex with another man and I never have sex with another woman.

Will I ever truly get my wife actually interested enough to approach or allow herself to be approached by another woman? Remains to be seen.

How would you and your wife react to the idea of such a thing?

It even crosses my mind that "trade-off" FFM threesomes COULD be set up between two couples in this way (probably not same night, nor same location). That is... the other woman is with us under these rules, followed by my wife is with the other couple on a separate occasion, under the same rules. It would (have to) involve the very highest degrees of trust. And I wonder if I would ever feel comfortable acknowledging what we we were all doing... with the other husband. Might be easier to pretend that it is not happening, in my interactions with him.

Some very helpful thoughts. Thank you to all. As pointed out above, I should have said "interested in NEARLY all aspect of the lifestyle." That would be more accurate. And I should also point out that we are not really voyeurs or exhibitionists either. We are simply confident,sexual, playful, sex-positive people who desire to be around others like us. Unfortunately, these appear to be pretty rare traits in the vanilla world. Just trying to figure where and how we might fit in.

Mysteryperson - I don't believe that we would have interest in your described senerio. Best of luck!

I hate to be the dissenter here, but our club is now a mere shell of what it once was, all due to people that just want to hang around swingers. It used to be a place where like minded people could go and possibly hook up. We were always welcoming of new people wanting to check out the lifestyle. Before we knew it, the watchers outnumbered the players. It got to the point where it was just a bunch of people dressing sexy and making risque conversation, waiting for someone else to do something. But there was nobody playing because the swingers all gave up and left.

It's bad enough going to a club and having to ask what new subset of swinging they're into. Now we have to ask if they are non-swingers and just there because they are too sexy for a vanilla club?

I should have said "interested in NEARLY all aspect of the lifestyle." That would be more accurate. And I should also point out that we are not really voyeurs or exhibitionists either. We are simply confident,sexual, playful, sex-positive people who desire to be around others like us.

Just what aspects ARE you interested in? It's not swapping. It's not showing off. It's not even watching. Basically, that's the majority of the aspects of the lifestyle you claim to be interested in, but are not interested in. A camaraderie in an activity is built from actually doing that activity. It's like going to Sturgis when you have no interest in motorcycles but like being around people that wear leather. What I hear is you're not swingers, have no intention of becoming swingers and just want to hang around swing clubs with others like you that don't swing. There has to be a punchline I'm missing here.

I hate to say it, but lovenestduo has a point. And by 'hate to to say it', I just mean I'm normally pretty welcoming of everyone. Not trying to chase you off, Deathtongue, I'm just saying that, once the club reaches a certain proportion of non-players to players, it stops being a swingers club.

If you're not interested in watching, being watched, or interacting with others, what's left? I kinda thought the whole point was engaging in at least one of the three aforementioned things. What's the allure?

I think I may still have a bitter taste in my mouth from this one couple we "courted" (AKA pursued) back before we became a full-swap couple and mellowed out a bit. We wanted to bust our cherry and get it on with another couple so bad it became a frigging job, and this couple had strung us along forever. Finally one night when they had invited us over for dinner, they got us both drunk and led us to believe things were finally going to happen. Then they decided to turn us out to drive home three sheets to the wind in a snowstorm after midnight. Mr. intuition and I sat in the car for a minute and realized neither of us could possibly drive (thanks for showing us your bartending prowess, jackass), so we went back in to give them another shot at being responsible hosts (hoping they'd offer us a spot on the couch or even the floor, or even just ask, "Hey are you guys okay to drive??"), but no, it was clear they didn't want us staying in their house. In fact, we'd interrupted them fucking. So we had to take a very expensive cab to a motel. I don't know who were the bigger idiots: them - for obvious reasons - or us, for allowing ourselves to be lulled into such a mess. On a positive note, we must've started coming off as less desperate or something, because once we decided to never, ever pursue another couple again, our inbox was full of nice offers.

So the point of that horror story was that we've had bad luck with non-playing people, or at least non-playing people who were interested in nothing more than risque chat conversation, picture collecting and alluding to shit that was never, ever going to happen. We have outgrown our need for rules, and honestly, we probably would have little in common with people who still needed them. There probably are clubs that are geared to this level of play, but I don't know where you draw the line between 'swinger' and 'risque'.

PS: I think I'm on a bit of a PMS kick. Sorry for the bitchy overtones.

I am sorry, but I am really confused by what part of the lifestyle you two are looking to be part of! You don't want any sort of swap, not into being watched and not into watching. What is left that isn't just part of the vanilla world?

If it is just the talking about sex thing there doesn't seem to be any shortage of people online that just want to talk about it and never do anything else. Just please be clear on the profiles you make that it is all you are there for. There is nothing worse then spending a bunch of time talking with people only to find out they are not on the same page as you.

Some very helpful thoughts. Thank you to all. As pointed out above, I should have said "interested in NEARLY all aspect of the lifestyle." That would be more accurate. And I should also point out that we are not really voyeurs or exhibitionists either. We are simply confident,sexual, playful, sex-positive people who desire to be around others like us. Unfortunately, these appear to be pretty rare traits in the vanilla world. Just trying to figure where and how we might fit in.

 

Mysteryperson - I don't believe that we would have interest in your described senerio. Best of luck!

Nearly all? It sounds like you are not interested in ANY part of the lifestyle. The Lifestyle refers to Swingers, or couples who swap partners. It has apparently been expanded to include people who just like watching or being watched as well, but until I entered the Lifestyle myself my thought was that it was people who swapped. If you are not interested in that, or even watching/being watched, how can you say you are even remotely interested in the lifestyle?

You mention same room, which I take to mean monogamous group sex. This is very common and accepted. It does involve some voyeurism/exhibitionism/"public sex", but in my mind that is not the driving force of the experience. It's mainly just the excitement of having sex in close proximity to friends or strangers. We have done this with swing friends, vanilla friends and strangers at home, parties and clubs around the country. It is very common.

Is this what you are looking for?

If you don't want to have sex near other people, probably swinger clubs and parties aren't what you are looking for. If you just want to dance and flirt, you might consider an lgbt dance club.

Yes, generally, you will be accepted and I certainly don't foresee anything like "....annoyance, disinterest, or distrust...." However, there may be folks and places where, if you aren't interested in "contributing," you will be a bit of a fifth wheel.

IMHO, the larger the venue, the easier it will be to meld.....

Sorry, it appears that I should be more clear. Being in a positive sexual environment with confident people sounds wonderful. Playing together with my wife in that environment in the presence of like minded people would be exciting for both of us. Paticipating in a community that exhibits that confidence and playfulness with others would be ideal. It's just that we simply don't have the desire to have sex with anyone else. The challenge for us is, it is difficult to find this in vanilla life. It appears that the lifestyle encompasses the spirit of openness and inclusion that we desire; but we are not interested in sex outside of our marriage. No judgement in any way, just a personal decision for us as a couple. So, what I am asking is, is there room in the lifestyle for people like us? We are not scared. We are not selfish. We don't want to lead anyone on or represent ourselves as something that we are not. We simply want to explore, have fun, and be challenged. What I am generally hearing is that we may be accepted without offense, as long as we are forthright with our preferences and we are sensitive to not interfere with the naturally intended purpose of swing club/events. Is this more clear? Am I on the right track?

As AskMeOK mentioned, your best chance for this type of activity is going to be a larger club with a group playroom. You'll still have to be prepared to say "No thanks" and smile frequently because others will ask to join you, but you'll get a bit of the vibe that you're interested in.

If you start attending a smaller club regularly, here's what I see happening: You'll get a lot of attention the first time you attend. People will be nice and will respect your boundaries. As you continue attending, word will get around that you don't play with others, and while everyone will still be cordial and speak in passing, their attention will be elsewhere. People that swap tend to focus their time on other people that swap.

Good luck to you!

Sorry, it appears that I should be more clear. Being in a positive sexual environment with confident people sounds wonderful. Playing together with my wife in that environment in the presence of like minded people would be exciting for both of us. Paticipating in a community that exhibits that confidence and playfulness with others would be ideal. It's just that we simply don't have the desire to have sex with anyone else. The challenge for us is, it is difficult to find this in vanilla life. It appears that the lifestyle encompasses the spirit of openness and inclusion that we desire; but we are not interested in sex outside of our marriage. No judgement in any way, just a personal decision for us as a couple. So, what I am asking is, is there room in the lifestyle for people like us? We are not scared. We are not selfish. We don't want to lead anyone on or represent ourselves as something that we are not. We simply want to explore, have fun, and be challenged. What I am generally hearing is that we may be accepted without offense, as long as we are forthright with our preferences and we are sensitive to not interfere with the naturally intended purpose of swing club/events. Is this more clear? Am I on the right track?

If you went to a club, you would likely not be shunned or anything. Most will probably not care that you are there. However, I talked to some people recently who had decided to start getting in to the lifestyle about a year ago. They went to the club because they figured it would be a good place to start. They ran in to some people that the husband worked with. These couples walked up to them to say hi and whatnot and it was very uncomfortable for him at first. He then accepted the fact that he may possibly end up in the bedroom with co-workers. Later, when he said something to that effect, that he was nervous at first but accepting of it later, his co-workers told him, "No, we don't swing, we just hang out here. You're in to that?"

You can imagine, work is now uncomfortable for this guy. They say they don't judge him for it, but he sees the bowed heads and whispering at work now. He notices people who used to be closer to him at work are much more distant. This is what happens when non-swingers start hanging out at swing clubs I think. This is what makes me worried about going to a club as a new swinger. I was considering it, until I heard this story. Now, I really just don't want to.

What it really comes down to is, if you don't play mini-golf, do you go to a mini-golf place?

If you don't bowl, do you go to a bowling alley?

If you don't swing, why go to a swinger's club?

I'd like to add an example for two4you's statement. We attend big to small house parties. There was a couple that would attend a few of them. They would walk around at the parties and one time, we found ourselves playing next to them on the same bed. We asked if they were interested in doing a little playing but they said they don't swap. We saw them a couple of other times after that but I suspect that they dropped off once they tired of being ignored because others were interested in conversation with those that actually swapped.

There have been other couples that we met that also did not swap and were there for the atmosphere. Didn't see them around after awhile, too. Is it possible that they are attending other events that we are not? Sure but swingers tend to gravitate toward other swingers when it is a swingers event.

Two things:

I don't play mini golf, but I do like the people who play mini golf

Seriously, I get what they are looking for. They like the sexually charged atmosphere and being about to have sex, watch sex, and talk about sex out in the (limited confines) open. Is there a place for you: YES! It's called same room sex...just let others know that is all you are interested in. I also think that clubs are the perfect place for you, just let others (if they approach you) know that you are not currently interested in swapping (by saying 'not currently' it leaves open the possibility to change that position and/or doesn't alienate any others to keep away from you).

Warning: Be careful, once you enter this rabbit hole you don't know where it may eventually lead...

Two things:

 

I don't play mini golf, but I do like the people who play mini golf

 

Seriously, I get what they are looking for. They like the sexually charged atmosphere and being about to have sex, watch sex, and talk about sex out in the (limited confines) open. Is there a place for you: YES! It's called same room sex...just let others know that is all you are interested in. I also think that clubs are the perfect place for you, just let others (if they approach you) know that you are not currently interested in swapping (by saying 'not currently' it leaves open the possibility to change that position and/or doesn't alienate any others to keep away from you).

 

Warning: Be careful, once you enter this rabbit hole you don't know where it may eventually lead...

I do agree, which is why I started off with the fact that no, they will likely not be shunned and no one will really care that they are there. Just saying it does not make sense to me personally. If I don't play golf, I am not gonna be out on the course hanging around a bunch of people who do. Might hang out in the club house, but would not be walking hole to hole with people who do.

Definitely recommend clubs or decent sized house parties. We had some people and singles who would attend our parties but not play. When I was writing name tags for folks, for one regular single woman who didn't ever play I'd write her name and then "Do Not Touch!" beneath her name.We had couples with one who'd play and one wouldn't -both combinations of male and female couples of players/observers.

Definitely recommend clubs or decent sized house parties. We had some people and singles who would attend our parties but not play. When I was writing name tags for folks, for one regular single woman who didn't ever play I'd write her name and then "Do Not Touch!" beneath her name.We had couples with one who'd play and one wouldn't -both combinations of male and female couples of players/observers.

Why the hell would you continue to invite people to a house party who you already know don't play? Were you that hard up for willing guests? You can't control who shows up at a club, but when it's a private house party?!?!? Why have them taking up space in your house that could be filled with players?

Best posts in this thread are from lovenestduo and sunbuckus.

To the OP, seriously, don't become one more of the couples we have to pick through to find our way to the real swingers. It's just irritating.

How do you expect people to react? When a real swinger couple arranges the babysitter, pays for the babysitter, (maybe)books a hotel room, pays the door fee at the club, and buys their booze, do you really think that couple wants to sit around and yak with you about how great it is to be in such an open, sex-positive place? No, they came to fuck. Their time is valuable, and you're just wasting it.

Step one. This the way to begin and open up. You will take time and come around. so take your time and I can assure you that it will happen one day

Deathtongue, there are a couple of things that could work in your favor. If you both are gregarious, chatty, and friendly, then it might work out more in your favor of hanging out with swingers without actually engaging in conversation. However, don't be surprised if some, if not many, couples will move on after they know that you are there just for the atmosphere--especially if you are at a swingers club or house party.

The other thing you might want to consider is to attend Meet and Greets and/or volunteer at a swingers club. At M&Gs, they are usually held at a vanilla venue with no place to play so people are there to meet with other people and have conversation. And volunteering at a swingers club means you, as a volunteer, can't play anyways so it would work in your favor. You can be a friendly volunteer who talks with those in attendance but you won't have to worry about pissing people off because inherently, couples know you aren't allowed to play.

Deathtongue, ... don't be surprised if some, if not many, couples will move on after they know that you are there just for the atmosphere--especially if you are at a swingers club or house party.

I agree with this observation.

The other thing you might want to consider is to attend Meet and Greets and/or volunteer at a swingers club.

Excellent suggestions, especially the idea of volunteering at a club- brilliant!

Your last post made things much clearer, thank you. I'm thinking you might do well by cultivating a smaller group of lifestyle friends with whom you could get together on a regular basis. House parties and such. You get that social fix and the fun, sexually-charged atmosphere, but you avoid having to restate your case over and over to new couples. In a scenario like this, everyone knows your M.O., respects it, and they have a chance to get to know you as people...not just walking sex toys. A nice bonus, IMHO. Clubs, on the other hand, are all about spontaneity, anonymity and randomness.

Our point of view is that the lifestyle term is the updated term for "swapping.". Perhaps we miss understand. But our experience is that we are both engaged in the "lifestyle" to swap fully.

In our early days, we had one couple among the several that we hosted at parties ( and even at their hosted parties) where the wife would engage in oral but only allow her husband to penetrate her. She had really large breasts and would allow "tit fucking" and cumming on her face, but no penetration except by her hubby.

Eventually, the several ladies in our group became unhappy with her behavior as they seemed to take the response as not fully committed to the lifestyle. That couple became ostracized from the invitations to the parties.

We suspect that she really did not want to swing and was only accommodating her husband. We learned that about a year later, they divorced. As a couple that will celebrate fifty years of marriage next year, we are not only committed to each other in wedlock but, also in swapping. Our attitude is you are either in or out. Not really "PC" but, neither is true swinging.

I have a new unicorn girlfriend. She's a unicorn NOW. 3 weeks ago she was in a new dating couple swinging relationship, which is always bad, but that's life. I gave her my best, honest advice for how to navigate her situation and preserve the couple. It didn't work. I sent her here, because this forum has the basics, and I thought she needed that. So I thought I should check it out myself again, and I find this thread.

A tale of 2 clubs:

This isn't ancient history. It was last weekend.

There's this one club right here in our city, Columbus, Ohio. The morphing of the crowd over the years is just like lovenestduo described. It's a nice club. I know and like the owner. He's built an incredible facility, and he has a talent for hiring great staff. But then there's the people it attracts. My lovely wife and I were there last Friday night with our unicorn date. There were about 150 people in the club. At midnight, the playing hour, there were 2 doors of private rooms that were closed, and one couple, who I know, playing in the group room, with each other, no swapping going on. I also know for a fact that behind one of those closed doors was my wife and a single man.

150 people, and that's all the action that was happening at midnight. My girlfriend and I went to the group room and joined that other couple, because I knew that they were real swingers. A mob formed at the window in the wall which overlooked that room. I felt like a chimp at the zoo.

That wall with the huge window was constructed just a few months ago because of all the RUDE newbies who have no concept of basic manners, let alone swinger etiquette. That's how bad it can get with all the watchers, posers, and tourists, who aren't real swingers. You're trying to fuck, and fully clothed people would be standing around RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, talking, making comments like it was Hot Or Not. Thus, the wall, and I thank the club owner for putting it there.

Then there's the club we went to Saturday night. A small club out in the sticks of West Virginia, which is about a 2 hour drive for us. We didn't have the unicorn with us that night.

For this club, 60 people is a good night, BUT THEY'RE ALL SWINGERS! You have the usual assortment of full swap, soft swap, and unicorn hunters, but at least everyone is some kind of real swinger. We always have a blast there, which makes it worth the drive out to the sticks. If you don't move quick, you can't get a room after 11pm. We met one couple who are friends, and another couple who are local friends of theirs. Awesome night.

2 very different clubs. The one with all the posers and bullshitters is the more "upscale" of the two. It provides the "classy" nightclub atmosphere, which is the kind of club all the posers seem to be drawn to.

I don't have a problem with welcoming new swingers. We've been the first couple for several newbies. I understand that new people often want to move slowly at first, and I have no problem with welcoming them. But are we really at the point where we welcome people who state up front that they have no intention at all of ever becoming any type of swinger? FUCK THAT! We don't need any more posers clogging up the works at what's supposed to be a SWINGER club. Words mean things. "Swinger" has a meaning. If you aren't one, stay the hell out of those clubs!

I agree, and I have been vilified for trying to make the point that, if you are not an -er (as in golfer, bowler, tennis player, boater, swinger, etc.) hanging with the -ers does not make you one of them. I know of one house party that devolved into an adult male daycare. A number of wives would drop the husbands off to go into the playroom, while they headed to the kitchen for coffee and drinks. The other women that did play, soon began to feel like pin cushions and some resentment bubbled over. That house party no longer exists.

I have no problem with folks wishing to be around non-judgmental folks, but the wrong mix can allow it to get out of hand.

This usually turns into a disaster (IMHO) when the pair declares themselves a "couple," yet, one or the other doesn't play. I can tell you from experience, trying to have a sane discussion about that doesn't last long. Early on, somebody will play the "No Card," and accuse their verbal opponent of "trying to tell them who to have sex with...."

That's probably a really long way of saying that a single or both parties of a couple that don't play, are not apt to ever cause any drama. A "Couple" that plays as a "single," has a higher probability of somebody taking offense.

We're a young professional couple interested in trying new things and exploring our sexuality. We're happily married and deeply in love. We wish to expand our horizons and enjoy life together. Sexual Pleasure is key to a happy marriage. We're interested in voyeurism and exhibitionism at the moment. But that doesn't mean our interests can't expand. We're new to this and want to take it one step at a time.

We're coming here to learn and explore. We're very much interested in attending clubs and resorts. Places like Miami Velvet or Eyz Wide Shut. Also Hedonism II and other exotic places.

Like we said; we're interested in voyeurism and exhibitionism. The thought of other couples and us sharing a room or area. Various levels of being naked. partners folding, sucking, licking, and screwing on another. The sights, the sounds, the passion, and even the smells of horny sexy loving making turns us on. We want to see and also show.

We're new to this and right now we're only comfortable with no touching other folks during actual kinky fun.

Why the hell would you continue to invite people to a house party who you already know don't play? Were you that hard up for willing guests? You can't control who shows up at a club, but when it's a private house party?!?!? Why have them taking up space in your house that could be filled with players?

This is a late reply to AR1547's March posting replying to my earlier post.

I wanted to let others reading the thread to know that folks at the parties which we co-hosted were invited by the homeowner hosts only. Red and I never managed the guest list. The hosts had started years back with a Yahoo group and later went onto SLS. For a couple of parties in the late 2000s (before 2010), I posted a general description of the party to Craigslist but then forwarded respondents to the yahoo group for details. Towards the end of the run in 2014-2015, I was encouraging the hosts to branch out to posting the parties on other swinging websites which pretty much fell on deaf ears.

The parties were "swingers and more" parties - not purely "must have sex" for everybody. At the parties, there was usually a central group of hardcore swingers. Then there were often the entirely first time new people couples or singles: then people (couples or singles) who might have been more active in the past but had slowed down sexually yet still liked the open-minded parties; also couples with one active, one voyeur/not active. As I had posted elsewhere the parties may have had anywhere from 10-15 people to 40-50 people. These were not the "we only invite 4 M/F couples and 3 single females" type parties.

My wife and I are interested in all aspects of the lifestyle, but we are not interested in swapping. .......

I am a bit confused.... how do you define "the lifestyle?"