New to swinging and unsure if what I want/don't want is frowned upon

Hi everyone My husband and I are brand new to swinging...as in we've only reached the "talking about it" phase. We would like to move forward and go to clubs, parties, etc to meet people but my current fear is that the level of play that I'm interested in will be frowned upon.

My husband is interested in (and I'm ok with) him playing with women other than me and partaking in sexual intercourse and all things leading up to it. I, on the other hand, am interested in only getting turned on (i.e. talking about sex, watching others, flirting, socializing, etc.) without actually engaging in anything physically sexual...and then finishing off myself (or having my husband do it) at home. Basically, the feeling of getting all hot and bothered and horny is what I'm looking for...not the sex itself.

Is it OK if one member of a couple proceeds to sexual intercourse while the other does not? This is not a hard and fast rule that I am determined to stand by forever...it could end up being all I ever want, or maybe not...it's just where I am right now.

Thank you in advance for any guidance and suggestions

Hello, paintedlady, and welcome to SwingersBoard! This is a great place to come for swinging questions and issues, so I'm glad you've jumped in with a question. I'll give you my two cents, and hopefully some others will chime in as well.

The scenario you've described is not completely unknown among the swinger community. If your scenario is what you're comfortable with at this point, then go for it! People will not try to push you beyond your comfort level, because one of the "prime directives" of the swinger ethic is that "no" means "no"!

One thing that I think is great about people in this lifestyle is that they're a pretty open, honest, and accepting bunch. Everybody is different, and I'm sure there are people out here that want to experience what you're offering now! It is important to be clear about what you want, of course, because I do see the possibility of frustration. Take, for example, a situation where you meet up with another couple, your guy and the other woman end up having wild sex, while the other guy and you end up talking or watching, with no contact between you and him. If he did not clearly understand beforehand that things were going to play out that way, he might be unhappy! You might find it easier to create your desired situation if you try to meet up with single women rather than couples. Alternatively, you might find a party situation to be more to your liking, where your guy can take a woman upstairs to play, without it being an explicitly swapping-type situation. The key thing here is to communicate, honestly and openly, your desires, limits, and boundaries to the other people involved.

As you said, your feelings about things might change after a while. You feel confident that you'll be good with the idea of your guy having sex with another woman. But if we're being honest, we all have to admit that we can't really know for sure how we'll feel until we're in the situation for real. You might find that you have unexpected feelings of jealousy. Or you might find yourself getting so turned on that you want to hop on and join the fun! Time will tell, and as long as you both are ready to talk over whatever feelings you each may have, you'll be fine!

Speaking of talking, I hope you and your husband are talking and sharing freely, not only your fantasies and desires, but also your fears and concerns. Communication is the best way to inoculate yourselves from any potential problems that might arise from swinging.

Good luck, have fun, and keep talking!

Hi CoupleInMD79, thank you so much for your response. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one out there starting very slowly. I will be sure to be very honest and upfront with the people we meet. And you are right...I won't really know how I feel regarding my husband being with another woman until it happens...I am very nervous about this. I am lucky to have a husband that is amazing with open and honest communication. We have so much more to talk about. I will make sure that he reads your response as well - wonderful food for thought. Thank you again!!

Welcome to the site! As you have already found out, this community is a great place to get safe and sound advice on anything to do with swinging, and I think it's especially useful for those who are just starting out. I know it helped us tremendously when we were first getting started ourselves and had the good fortune of finding this site early in that process.

CoupleinMD79's advice is right on the money. There is no right or wrong way how to swing, and you will encounter people that are all along the spectrum from mild to wild on what they are looking for. Of course the smaller the group that swings in the same way you want to, then the fewer of those people that are out there so finding compatible playmates may be a little more difficult, but rest assured, they are out there.

One bit of advice I would offer is I think it's best too not to get too focused on the sex part right off the bat. Setting up hard expectations on any given night out is just a recipe for disappointment, and too much disappointment makes the whole thing not fun and interest will wane. It's funny, sometimes you hit a dry spell where it seems like you will never get the opportunity to play again, and then other times it just falls in your lap when you aren't even really looking or expecting it. That's why it is important to focus on what is a constant - that you are doing this together for something fun, and as long as you are both having fun, then just enjoy the journey and don't get too hung up on where that journey might end on any particular night.

Good luck!

You definitely aren't the only one out there with this particular arrangement in mind. For every key, there is a lock!

I won't really know how I feel regarding my husband being with another woman until it happens...I am very nervous about this.

When the Mrs. and I started out (just about a year and a half ago, BTW), we were nervous about this aspect of swinging as well. How would we react when we're presented with the sights and sounds of our spouse, moaning, writhing, and lost in pleasure with someone else? Now don't get me wrong- we thought it would be hot as hell to watch! But as excited as we were, there was still some nervousness, just because we hadn't done it yet.

When we finally got to our first swapping situation (which was a full swap- we wanted to jump right in the deep end!), we were both really turned on! But we discovered another, surprising feeling alongside the primal arousal. We were happy for each other, that the other was able to give and receive pleasure, and also proud of the other for being so bold and adventurous. So for us, swinging brought us closer together because we shared those happy feelings.

I'm curious about one thing, if you don't mind my asking. Do you think your reluctance to have sex with another guy at this point might come in part from a chivalrous feeling of "your husband is all you need or want, and you don't need another man"?

Hi, thank you for the replies and wonderful encouragement and support

CoupleInMD79, it is kind of difficult for me to articulate fully why the hesitation. I think there are many layers for me to work through still. The idea of swinging for us is brand new and the last week has been a whirlwind of emotion for me. I can say, though, that I don't feel that it is a sense of my husband being all that I need. In fact, I believe my hesitancy is more personal and inner driven than that and the process of self reflection is in full swing. I do know, though, that one huge thing holding me back is the fear of STD's. I am free and clear now, but many years ago I had an HPV scare that had almost progressed to cancer. This was a traumatic experience for me. I can see myself playing and enjoying the moment, but then being a worried mess for weeks/months afterwards. And yes, I realize with my husband being sexual with other women, I am at risk there as well. This is a huge issue that he and I need to address more in depth. This leads me to a question that I was going to ask on another thread, but perhaps you can help. Is it unusual for couples to require current STD test results from people that they want to play with? I just don't think I could truly relax and let loose without that reassurance...

Don't ever do anything that you are uncomfortable with, and your husband should do the same (if you are uncomfortable with him doing something, you need to tell him and he should refrain). As you progress, you may (or may not) find that your levels of comfort change. When we started, we had a bunch of rules...but as we approached the 'limits' we found that we were comfortable moving past them and would (after discussing it first in private away from any 'action') set those rules aside. You don't know how or what you will feel until you actually approach those limits. They might not be a big thing when you get there...but they might still be. If they are, then the rule stands.

As far as meeting other couples, just be up front and let them know what your rules and limitations currently are (and both of you need to stand by them). I'm sure that you will find others that will abide with them (of course, finding other couples that you connect with is the hard part). Take your time and be comfortable with what you are doing...and enjoy yourselves.

Hello Paintedlady !!

My wife and I are in the talking stage also and we have a very similar situation as u do ... My reasons for wanting to be in the LS is to watch her unlock her inner sexual beast!!! She is still struggling with the whole idea but her mind is opening up to the idea as time goes by ... She offered to let me swing without her but I have no interest in that ... I don't have any desire to do anything that she is not involved in ... in fact I would love for her to be the center of it all lol ... What I want is for my amazing wife to experience and have the most sexually pleasurable life possible with other males or females and share with me her amazing experiences whether I'm in it with her or not, whatever she is comfortable with ... I am so much like you in that I'm turned on by watching her have sex talking about her having sex and flirting watching her flirt and being flirted with as well as us socializing!!! We are both extremely social ... I am just as you are in that the sex for me is not what it's about but I do see myself wanting to enjoy the sex if my wife grows to enjoys the lifestyle ...

Good Luck and PLEASE KEEP US POSTED !!!!

This leads me to a question that I was going to ask on another thread, but perhaps you can help. Is it unusual for couples to require current STD test results from people that they want to play with? I just don't think I could truly relax and let loose without that reassurance...

You might get a better sample size by posting a new thread in the STD forum, but I'll touch on it here and say we at least have never experienced it. The problem with testing is that the test results are only as good as the last test...whenever that was. And even then, since different things have different incubation periods, then the whole concept of using a test result as a green light becomes a false sense of security. It's one of those things that sounds really good in theory but is much more complicated in practice.

Welcome to the forum, paintedlady! I'm so glad you felt comfortable to jump right in and ask a question.

Is it OK if one member of a couple proceeds to sexual intercourse while the other does not?

You have received fantastic advice so far from those above me. Yes, of course, swing however you two are comfortable! I wanted to respond that it will limit your playmates though...just as any other rule will. The more rules a couple has, the smaller pool of people who qualify. We have met couples similar to yourselves where one half of a couple plays but not the other. Even though there was interest to play, we declined because we are a full swap, play together kind of couple. It is easier for a woman to receive many opportunities to play than a man so I'm more than happy to see Mr. Sun go off and have his own fun if it were the wife that were only playing and not the husband but when it's reversed, I feel a bit of guilt having fun when Mr. Sun isn't.

I do know, though, that one huge thing holding me back is the fear of STD's. I am free and clear now, but many years ago I had an HPV scare that had almost progressed to cancer. This was a traumatic experience for me. I can see myself playing and enjoying the moment, but then being a worried mess for weeks/months afterwards. And yes, I realize with my husband being sexual with other women, I am at risk there as well. This is a huge issue that he and I need to address more in depth. This leads me to a question that I was going to ask on another thread, but perhaps you can help. Is it unusual for couples to require current STD test results from people that they want to play with? I just don't think I could truly relax and let loose without that reassurance...

That is a valid issue, and one that both you and your husband have to be clear about.

To answer your question directly, we have been asked to make sure we had a recent STD test panel once during our 18 months in the lifestyle. It was a situation where we were going on a lifestyle cruise in late November of last year, and this other couple were going on the cruise as well. This couple wisely informed us that they were getting tested right before the cruise, and suggested that we do the same. Now, we had been tested back in July, but we thought, like they did, that more recent test results might help to put others at ease- so we got tested, shared the results with this couple, and brought a written report of the test results with us, ready to produce if asked (no one asked, BTW).

All that said, I believe that, as cplnuswing wisely pointed out, even a clean set of STD test results from yesterday is no guarantee of having an STD-free partner. There are many diseases in a standard STD panel that may not be detectable in an STD test for some time after infection, so the results are not really completely reliable unless the person is celibate for, let's say, four months after the testing. Moreover, the test results become moot after the person has sex with someone subsequent to the test. Finally, it's a fact that some STDs are not even included in a standard STD test panel, based on Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recommendation that the tests are not necessary- HSV-2 (genital Herpes) is an example of one such test. My point is not to scare you, but to help you to adjust to the reality of the situation- there is a non-zero chance that you or your husband could be exposed to STDs if you have sexual partners other than each other.

There are, of course, things you can do to reduce your chances of having an STD transmitted to you. The main thing is using condoms for intercourse. Though they do not offer 100% protection against STDs, they certainly decrease the chances of you being exposed. If you want condoms to be used by a guy (your husband, or the other guy if you get to this stage), and anybody balks at that suggestion, then the play should end right there if you're at all uncomfortable. Also, if your partners are able to point to recent clean test results, that's great, too- though this is far less of a guarantee than one would hope for (besides the reasons I cited above, it's also true that people can easily lie about having recent clean test results!). So, condoms and assurances of clean, recent test results are good, and help a lot- but they do not constitute a guarantee! The stark reality is that the only guaranteed way of assuring yourself that you absolutely will not be exposed to an STD is to remain monogamous.

There is indeed an element of risk in swinging that simply cannot be eliminated. Some people are comfortable with this risk, and are able to enjoy the freedom and fun of the lifestyle without being too troubled by the slight increase in STD risk. Others are, frankly, willfully ignorant of the STD risks inherent in having sex with other people. Just to take one example, something like 16% of adults in the US (and probably many more) have genital herpes and do not even know it, because they show no symptoms (and of course do not know to take the antiviral drugs that can greatly reduce the chances of exposing others to the virus). These people are capable of transmitting the virus through sexual intercourse. Yet there are plenty of swingers out there who are happy to play bareback with couples "who look clean". Makes me shake my head sometimes...

Even though it may sound like I'm painting a dire-sounding picture here, I actually don't mean it that way. Because while the chances of being exposed to an STD are never going to be 0.00% if you play with others, they are actually pretty small if you take sensible precautions! It's a matter of keeping things in proportion.

That said, some people are simply unable to stomach the risks, low as they may be, of being exposed to STDs. Personally, I believe those people are better off staying monogamous, rather than subjecting themselves to constant worry.

There is a woman who frequently attends, in the company of her long-time friend, the house parties that we host and who does not play. She feels no need to explain her reasons and party guests seem not to be bothered by this. We do attend house parties where the hosts make it plain to people whom they invite that "the people who come to our house come to play", a way of saying that if you do not play you might not be invited again.

As far as regular testing, we know two couples who have tests on a regular basis but only two. To their credit, one particular couple contacted us when a test had a positive. That put us into action to go seek tests to look if we had been infected. But my wife and I continue to depend on ways of managing risk other than regular testing. The score is HPV on one occasion which prompted us to withdraw for about eighteen months and one infestation with body crabs. Testing would have revealed neither of these.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate it! It looks like we are going to step back and work some more on our sexual relationship (just the two of us) before moving forward with swinging. I wish you all the best and I might see you again on the forum at a later time

I get the sense, paintedlady, that you and your husband have had some conversations that led you to rethink your plans to move forward with swinging. I hope those conversations were productive, and led to more understanding between you two. Also, I hope the STD topic did not scare you guys off!

Of course, you're welcome any time to visit here and discuss things more. In the meantime, good luck and happy sexy times to both of you!