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Why do married women resist swinging?

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Why are most married women's minds closed to swinging? Is it The Victorian style beliefs that still dominate our society's sexual views?

 

I find it hard to even have a conversation about it with my wife. Not that I try to push the conversation that often but when she feels that I'm even close to starting the conversation she cuts it off. Most of the times she does this I'm not even thinking about approaching the subject.

 

It's like there is some giant gate keeper there guarding against the approach of any conversation that may or may not happen about swinging. It can be very frustrating even for a patient person. Especially when you have had a 15 year relationship with your wife that all subjects have been open to conversation and honesty. Our communication has always been one of the strengths of our relationship and marriage but with this subject there isn't even the willingness to listen to my feelings and wants. In fact, sometimes she makes me feel like I have done something morally wrong by having such desires. Yet I know my wife better than anyone in the world and I know that she has an extremely naughty side that we both have enjoyed together on many occasions!!! But in this one case the gatekeeper will not open her mind to the subject. Sometimes I think that she fears that we both may enjoy the lifestyle too much and this is why she has closed her mind?

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Even today, I believe, women are reared to be cautious prey while men are taught to be the hunter. In my own case, as a young teenager, I attended a "dance school" which should have been named "Dating, 101." We learned how to ask for a date, to open doors, help with jackets, etc. The girls were taught how to answer a date request, to step aside and make room for the boy to open the door, etc. There was even a class on how a gentleman could properly light a woman's cigarette! She was taught barriers to use along the way. Of course, the lesson about kissing on the first date, (don't). Although Miss Skilly never told us not to fuck our dates, that was definitely understood, and the girls were taught to never allow it.

 

A "Good Girl" would know how to discourage a boy from wanting sex. "Bad Girls" didn't. I think this cross is still borne by many women and we guys don't often help her to put it aside.

 

It takes open communication of the first order to swing or even to talk about sexual fantasies. My late wife and I wrote a book about the communication that took us to sharing. You can read the communication part (and a bit more) free by clicking "Here" in the link below. Then click the book cover and a free sample will open up.

 

Good luck in your quest!

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There are millions of couples out there that have great communication, yet one or both of them have zero interest in sex outside of the marriage. The reasons are probably more plentiful than we could ever come up with on our own. And, it's OK. Most people have their "Don't go there" thing. Swinging happens to be hers.

 

I know that sucks, but in the end, only she knows why she is keeping that gate closed. :/

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I do not believe that she totally understands why her mind is closed to swinging ... She has even acknowledged that it would most likely be an exciting erotic experience but her top objections to it has been that she did not want another person in our marriage secondly she believed I would have a hard time handling it afterwords and that it would have a long-term negative effect on our marriage and that I may want to make it something that we did all the time .. I know for a fact that I would not have a hard time handling it because in my first marriage I had an experience where we swapped with some good friends and it was a very positive experience ... My X & I had very exciting sex for years after that but never repeated the experience ... And in fact I am still good friends with the people that we swapped with ... Swinging had nothing to do with the divorce the divorce happened years later due to the fact that two high school sweethearts outgrew one another ... I have not communicated with her my swinging experience because i feel like she would draw on it as a negative Because we divorced ... I believe that what people choose to do in their bedroom is there business ... I have several gay friends that I love and respect, several lesbian friends that I love and respect as well as interracial couples that I love and respect ... My wife also loves and respects these people also ... So why is swinging still so taboo ... So what !!! if I enjoy watching my wife having sex with someone else and it makes me feel excited and closer to her ... Why are my sexual desires so deviant still to society and also with my wonderful beautiful wife ????

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Alura I am going to download your book ... I can't wait to read it !!! Thanks for the good advice you have been given me the past several posts

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Why do any of us resist anything and why do tastes change?

When I was growing up, vegetables came in frozen bricks and reached the table soggy, fish came in pressed and breaded sticks, and alcohol tasted horrible.

As I grew older I learned that

 

1. Vegetables could be had fresh. There are still a few I dislike, but many more that I do, and the closer to raw and fresh matters.

2. Seafood came in many varieties. Preparation can be both simple and elegant and left me feeling 'lighter' than having eaten a big steak.

3. My adult palate was different from my youthful palate.

 

Key to all of the transitions was a context that favored trying something new in which I felt safe and did not feel forced to like the experience. Some things have taken several tries and several preps.

 

Our entry into the LS was like that. Safe, non-pressured, sample of different approaches and styles. Make the context safe, options open, accept variations and--above all--be a partner. Celebrate each other often.

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I don't think it's limited to just married people, and I don't think it's limited to women. Nonmonogamous monogamy is just something most people have a hard time wrapping their head around, doesn't matter if they are married or not. And, there are plenty of guys to whom the idea of getting some strange sounds great until they realize that in swinging, that is a two-way street...and then it sounds not so great at all.

 

There's an old saying that goes "the guys get them into swinging, but it's the girls who keep them there". I think what that gets at is it's the women who run the Lifestyle, and when a couple finds a way to swing in a way that makes both of them happy, then often she is the one who really seizes upon that newfound freedom. Not just freedom in physical form of having sex with others, but freedom from the burden that society places on women much more than it does men. Basically, the "good girls don't" thing alluded to earlier. The freedom to acknowledge that sometimes, she WANTS to be a bad girl, and being not only around but accepted by other bad girls who are reveling in the same thing, that can be intoxicating stuff. Along with intoxicating though comes scary. There is a secure comfortableness in strictly following the norm, and stepping outside of that is a big step. Some people are willing to take that big step outside the box, some aren't.

 

I almost think people are born swingers, or they aren't. If you are a born swinger, that doesn't 100% mean you will become a swinger, but that if the opportunity presents itself, then you'll at least give it a shot. If you aren't a born swinger, then no matter how much you try, it's just never going to feel comfortable to you. Through experience one can learn to be a better swinger, but I don't think you can learn to be a swinger at heart - you either have it, or you don't.

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1)...she did not want another person in our marriage.

 

It's true that you have to say goodbye to the old value system you once had once you go with non-monogamy. We found that what we gained was so much greater and richer than what we lost, our grief was very short-lived. It is something to consider carefully, because once you give away that "purity", you can't get it back. It will be gone forever. Now, ask me whether I prefer basing my measure of success or failure in my marriage on a body function (which any other human being can offer) or on emotional intimacy, honesty and trust (which is unique to us, and unbreakable).

 

2)...secondly she believed I would have a hard time handling it afterwords

 

That you would have a hard time, or she would? It's a legitimate concern. You can't unring the bell.

 

3)...that it would have a long-term negative effect on our marriage

 

It's possible. But whatever happens, it's because you allowed it to happen, or decided to make it happen. Being honest with each other and with yourselves can go a long way toward nullifying any lingering negative effects if things don't work the way you wanted them to. Ultimately, you get to decide how important this experiment is; if you want decide that the fate of your marriage hinges on its outcome, it could end very, very badly. Alternatively, if you want to see it as a fun little experiment, a short side trip, and agree to just bury it and never speak of it again if it goes south, you'll probably have an easier time of it.

 

4)...that I may want to make it something that we did all the time.

 

A common worry. I think you do go through a "honeymoon" phase with it, where all you want to do is fuck like rabbits. A pleasant side-effect, however, is that you want to fuck each other like rabbits, too. And again, wanting to do something is not the same as having to do it. You don't have to do it all the time, and you won't be wishing you were with someone else when you're making love to each other. I think that might be the root of the worry: "Will I be enough afterward?"

 

So why is swinging still so taboo ... So what !!! if I enjoy watching my wife having sex with someone else and it makes me feel excited and closer to her ... Why are my sexual desires so deviant still to society and also with my wonderful beautiful wife ????

 

Because we are a society fraught with insecurities, and our marital customs have only reinforced them. In my opinion, monogamy, as an expression of love, is about coddling one another's insecurities, saying, "I love you so much, I will brainwash myself into believing I'm unattracted to anyone else so you don't have to feel bad about yourself." The idea of love revolves around only ever being sexually attracted to your mate for the rest of your life. This is, of course, unrealistic, but nobody wants to hear that. The idea of monogamy being the ultimate expression of love is so pervasive, it has become the cultural default. So, cheaters, while their actions aren't condoned, are usually excused if they are suitably ashamed of themselves and are "trying their best." Swingers, however, fly in the face of all that is sacred because they have the unbelievable audacity to assert that they are doing nothing wrong. We don't even have the "decency" to admit how "immoral" we are. LOL

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We started swinging while we were still dating. Now, we were both older, we had both been in longer term marriages, and we had both been “out there” dating, etc for more than 5 years so we were use to having different partners whether it was over the course of a week or year. The discussion came as the result of an invitation to join in with another couple we had met. My biggest concern was that I had no desire to engage with another woman. When the discussion move to MFM, my concerns were the possibility of his jealousy and whether it could be some type of “test” to see if I was interested in playing around with others. Once I had his assurances that negated my concerns, I was like, why wouldn’t a girl want two guys at once! At the broader level though, I think as girls we are warned against sex from the time we are approaching our teens. Our young husbands wanted virgins and were wrought with jealousy. Its only as men grow older that they want their wives to be “hot” or sluts, or whatever.

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That's an excellent thought!!! Any suggestions or thoughts on how you can make Swinging your wife's idea???

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Just ask her what she thinks about it; but, you've already done that in a way. So, the seed has been planted and should the idea eventually grow into something she has more interest in, then she will bring it back up, either directly or indirectly, and likely with her opinion on what it means and what the rules should be, for swinging in general, not specifically you two. She knows you have interest, you know she knows, so now, if it ever progresses further, it will be her idea since the ball is in her court now.

 

If and when she does bring it back up, don't pounce like a hungry cat on a mouse. Just talk about it as a hypothetical - how would WE do it if we were going to do it? A lot of people start that way I think, but just having the hypothetical details worked out still doesn't mean it will become reality. But again, the seed has sprouted, and if she wants, she will let it grow some more.

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That's an excellent thought!!! Any suggestions or thoughts on how you can make Swinging your wife's idea???

 

I don't think you should "try" to "make" your wife think swinging is her idea. She should have it all on her own. From what you've written previously, it sounds like you and your wife have hinted or suggested bringing in other people into your bedroom to play with. If she likes the fantasy but shuts you down to make it a reality, then you need to respect that and wait until she brings it up. Maybe she'll do that next month, next year, or never. But if you keep bringing it up, it's the equivalent of her nagging you to take out the trash every week. You'd probably rather that she didn't nag you and just let you remember on your own.

 

She has to make up her own mind about swinging. Maybe there are issues she needs to work through. Culturally, religiously, whatever. No matter what, the main issue you should be concerned about it how she doesn't feel comfortable enough to share her sexual fantasies with you. She could be afraid that you'll judge her for her thoughts. Maybe she will feel that her thoughts will actually hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself. Maybe she feels ashamed for having those fantasies.

 

There are a few things you can do to help ease this journey for her. Be a loving husband. A patient husband. An understanding husband. And a non-judgmental husband. If she sees or hears you being judgmental towards others, she'll feel that you'll judge her, too. If you show her that you're an open-minded man who is willing to explore many facets of life, she may feel more at ease about opening these parts of herself to you.

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Why are most married women's minds closed to swinging ? Is it The Victorian style beliefs that still dominate our societies sexual views ...

 

I think it's societies perception of what it is to be a good wife.

Loyal, faithful etc...

 

MrsZ went to a Catholic School, taught by Nuns. Was always a Sexual woman though, but felt she had to follow some bounds.

 

Didn't take much for the realisation though that as we were both very sexual creatures we could only stand to expand our satisfaction & relationship by moving into a swinging lifestyle.

 

We've always had great fun together, now we just have a bit more & get to include other great like minded people.

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First, we have a LOT of listeners who surprise us by telling us the wife is the one who brought up trying the lifestyle! And maybe more men who realize they're jealous/uncomfortable watching their woman play with another man than they expected - the fantasy is hot but for some, depending on their relationship, the reality can be more challenging!

 

But we do think that our society is more "geared" to men looking at other women (look at how many more "gentleman's clubs" there are than strip clubs for women!) than the other way around, so there's a societal piece. I think woman fantasize about other men a lot, they certainly have affairs, they just are taught it is not as "acceptable" as it is for men.

 

Our experience is that once couples start talking about it between themselves, and the woman realizes her Hubby won't think less of her for expressing her feelings that that would be hot!, a lot more married women are open to the LS than you might think! ;)

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